Out Of The Ashes
by Tallulah Grammar Songstress
Summary: Kai and Yamagata have always been friends, but now Kai's feelings are starting to change. Can Yamagata handle it? And in the violent world of NeoTokyo, can such a relationship survive? KaixYama. Some angst.
1. Let's Get Out Of Here

Chapter One – Let's Get Out Of Here

(A/N: Gulp... my first full-length Akira fic. Okay. Everyone in this chapter is © Katsuhiro Otomo, not me. Also, this fic is yaoi, slash, shonen-ai, boy/boy, whatever you want to call it. So if you don't like that sort of stuff, don't read. And please don't flame! Oh, and also, I've only seen one version of the Akira movie - the latest one - and I know that there's some dubbing differences been made, so if I've misquoted something, that's (probably) why. **First and second chapters reposted due to formatting problems- no new material added.**)

"Discipline! Discipline! Discipline!"

Kai winced as Mr Takaba charged along the row of boys in front of him. Why the hell had he stood at the end of the line anyway? You knew this was gonna happen so why prolong the agony? His heart rattled in his ribcage. Suddenly the sun-soaked floor seemed very far away.

Not that he was scared. Right? It'd happened before, lots of times before, a bleeding nose or a loose tooth was nothing to whine about.

But still, his knees were knocking slightly. The gym teacher was three guys away from him…two…one…

Kaneda swayed as the fist hit his face, gritted his teeth. Kai hoped he wouldn't fall on him, he was gonna have enough trouble in the next few seconds of his life –

_Bam _

"Discipline!"

He was knocked to the floor and lay, crouched, on the itchy beige carpet. Slowly, slowly, the pain spread over his face like lava, like melting metal, clung to his skin and started to burn. He could feel blood oozing from his nose, down over his upper lip. Warm, sticky. And dull resignation heavy in his mind. Just _great._

Mr Takaba's shadow fell over him as the teacher called out, "You're dismissed!"

The others bowed, sending blood spots spattering onto the carpet, and droned, painfully, "Thank you very much, sir."

"Come on," Kaneda hissed. He pulled Kai to his feet, and they followed the others out into the warm, grubby corridor. It smelt of old soup and dirty feet, and their shadows slid over wave after wave of graffiti splashed over the walls.

Always the same, Kai thought, licking some of the blood off his mouth. We go in. We get smushed. We come out, and…

Three…two…one…

"You sick freak!" Kaneda hollered as they started to walk down the stairs. This was the signal, and the rest of the gang joined in, shouting between groans.

"One of these days you're gonna get it, Jaws!"

"Coward!"

"Mother!"

"You think you're such a big-shot!"

Kai didn't say anything. For one thing, he'd bitten his tongue when he got hit, and it hurt to talk. And for another, it didn't seem important any more. They always yelled. And sure it had been fun once, but what was the point now? Wouldn't change nothing.

None of the others seemed to realise that, though.  
He sighed, and tasted some more blood. Now what? Oh, yeah…head out into the courtyard…

The sun was blazing, and he screwed up his eyes as it tried to slice through them. Then the shrieks and giggles began, and he wished he could close his ears too.

Yeah. Head out into the courtyard, and be besieged by a bunch of sex-crazed girls.

"Look, there they are!"

"Hi, Kaneda!"

"Yamagata! Over here!"

The girls swooped down on them. Kai wrinkled his nose. They stank of perfume and hairspray, plastic smells that made his eyes water. And under that, they smelt of sweat. Vain, stupid sluts, that was all they were, with rattling jewellery and chipped nail varnish. They drove him mad.

_No. You're just jealous cos you don't have one. _

I am not! He straightened his shoulders, walked tall, rubbed away the blood that was oozing down his chin. I don't need one of those stupid bimbos hanging on _my _arm, thanks. I can just listen to everyone else's.

The chatter rattled around him like smashing glass.

"So what did you do this time? Trying to smush the Clowns again?"

"No, babe, we didn't _try. _We succeeded. Kind of. Not our fault the cops turned up too early…"

"And I told her, I said, if you're going to talk that way about my boyfriend…"

"Who'd that be then?"

"You, you idiot!"

"Tetsuo, are you okay?"

"I'm _fine, _okay, Kaori? Stop whining at me all the time!"

"Mr Takaba is such a jerk. I mean, how could he ruin such a gorgeous face, huh, honey?"

"Hey, I'm used to it, sugar. Don't worry 'bout me."

Stupid voices. Stupid girls. He didn't care that none of them ever draped themselves over him. Hell, who'd want that? He didn't care. He didn't. If any of them came near him he moved away, hunched up his shoulders. His back became a shield against the world, and he walked alone.

But he did care when the others said he was too small for any girl to notice.

And he cared when girls patted him on the head instead of kissing him on the lips, and everyone snickered.

And he cared when the other guys went on and on and _on _about what they'd done with this girl last night, or that one last week, or this other one way back when in some bar they could never remember the name of…

All right. Maybe he cared a little.

But who'd want a girl oozing herself round them like that? Sometimes he wondered if he'd missed out on some puberty thing that said _You will now want smelly bimbos covered in perfume to try and suck your tonsils out. This will become one of your sole reasons for being. _Sometimes he couldn't make the other guys out at all. He felt like he was watching them in a foreign language and needed subtitles to understand what was really going on.

Above him, the chatter, like shrieks, was still going on.

"If you're not going out to smush people tonight, we could meet up…"

"Oh, really? Well, smushing people can wait…I guess…"

"Don't worry, I'll kiss your bruises better, sweetie!"

"Hey, any time. Y'know, I got really _badly _bruised today…like all over my –"

"I'd never let anyone put me off going out with you."

"We're going out?"

"Come on, Kaori. Let's get out of here."

Kai looked round and saw Tetsuo and Kaori splitting off from the crowd, slinking off to the dark, shady-cold playground corner. They did this nearly every time. Kaori was shy, and Tetsuo was sulky, and they both preferred to spend time with each other alone when their friends met up.

_Let's get out of here. _

That wasn't a bad idea, actually. After all, what was there to look forward to? Just hanging around in the battered playground with the sun burning the back of his neck; until next class, when he'd be falling asleep in a stuffy, sweat-stained classroom, probably with a fan going that didn't work properly, so you sat listening to the endless clicking until your brain turned into mush.

And more watching. More wishing for subtitles.

Kai shoved his way past two of the girls, and started to walk away.

"Hey, watch it, you little jerk!"

And then going out with the guys and girls that night…and listening to the guys talk about them over and over and over…and no biking because, oh, Hiroko didn't like going so fast, and dear me, Ima didn't want to get oil on her dress, and damn it, Suki _hated _riding behind Yamagata because she couldn't see his face…

No. _Let's get out of here. _

Slowly, the chatter faded away as he walked round the corner, through the playground to the parking lot, and then he sat down on his bike, and it had gone.

That had to be an improvement, right?

Probably.

But although it was quieter, it wasn't _better. _It was only the girls he objected to, he liked hanging with the guys. They were cool. And now the day seemed so long and hot and tiresome.

Wasn't there anything better to do around here?

He could ride out. Go drive somewhere on his own.

But even biking didn't thrill so much when you weren't with a gang. Besides, he didn't want the Clowns breaking his nose as well.

Shrugging, he let his head fall back, and stared up at the white-hot sky, and the surrounding skyscrapers biting into it, and let the faint sounds of everyday school life wash over him; shouting, footsteps, breaking glass…

Footsteps.

"Kai, what the hell are you doing?"

He sat up, blinked the sun spots out of his eyes, and squinted through them at Yamagata, who had just walked round the corner.

"I was…looking at the sun. What do you want?"

"Why'd you suddenly run off like that? Forgot to hand in homework?"

Kai snorted. "Just got sick of the bimbo talk cluttering up the air."

"Hey, you wouldn't be so down on girl talk if you got girl something else."

Kai felt his face tense into a glower. "Look, just cos they give good head doesn't mean they're actually interesting."

"It doesn't?"

Kai turned his back on Yamagata, and stared at the sunlight as it glinted on a broken bottle someone had left by the wall.

"Oh, come on, what's with you? You're acting like Tetsuo when someone calls him dumb kid."

"I am not!"

Yamagata sighed, and then said, in a patronising-trust-me tone, "I suppose it's hard for you younger ones."

"Look," Kai said through gritted teeth, "I am not a _younger one. _I am older than Tetsuo. _Way _older."

"A few months older."

"Oh, yeah? Well, if that's what you think, why'd you bother to come see where I was? Why didn't you just stay with your wonderful, sensitive, oh-so-adorable _girlfriend?" _

"I just –"

"Yamagata honey! There you are!"

Kai heard the clacking of high heels on tarmac, and then the girl launched herself at Yamagata and twirled her arms round his neck.

"Um, yeah, hey Suki…look, Kai, don't go crazy on me…yeah, Suki, I'm coming –"

"I can see you're busy," Kai said, wondering if running Suki over with a bike would be defined as murder or pest control. "See you around, okay?"

He revved up his bike, and roared out of the school gates, and into the quiet of the Neo-Tokyo streets.

Riding took the edge off his temper, and as he charged through light and shade, the rage cooled at little as the rational part of his mind argued it down. There was no need to get so mad. Sure, the guys seemed obsessed with girls, but when it came down to it, nothing was gonna change, was it? They'd still go riding, they'd still have fun, no one was going to be married or nothing. No need to get mad.

And yet.

Over and over again, Suki came running over the baked tarmac, throwing herself onto Yamagata, and over and over again he yelled at her from the safety of his mind _Get away from him! I was talking to him! _

The scene itched at him. He wanted to rip it out of history, make it so it had just been them talking. Just the two of them. Then he wouldn't have stormed off, and he might actually have been hanging _with _someone, instead of skimming alone down a dustbin-lined street with a bunch of bikers at the other end of it –

Gaah?

He squinted as he moved closer. A lot of them there, and, uh-oh, it looked like they were wearing masks and stuff, and _shit, _there was Joker, sat right in the middle of the group, and _stop stop stop…_

He squinted as he moved closer. A lot of them there, and, uh-oh, it looked like they were wearing masks and stuff, and there was Joker, sat right in the middle of the group, and 

A motorbike was not normally the kind of thing you thought of as being _quiet, _but he did make an effort. Unfortunately, taking too long to stop would mean he rolled right up to the Clowns, and so he was forced to come to a screeching halt rather than a slow, silent, unobtrusive glide.

"Huh?"

One of them looked up. Kai tried to send out _I'm an innocent bystander who just happens to be on a bike _vibes, and hoped they'd ignore him.

"Hey, isn't that…"

_Oh crap oh crap – _he leapt off his bike and started to turn it round, his feet slipping on the dusty ground. Then he leapt back on, and started to ride, but –

"Get him!"

And the roar of engines behind him.

Okay, move, move _fast, _he told himself as the derelict houses rushed past him. You could take down one Clown, maybe two, but you sure as hell won't survive eight or nine or however many this is –

He glanced over his shoulder. They were gaining.

Well, no problem yet, his bike wasn't great but it could outrun them, right? He clattered over kerbs, through a row of parked cars, down another alleyway. And he was lighter, and a better rider, than a lot of those dumb Clowns, he could handle this no sweat. No reason to be scared.

He wasn't scared when it was a gang battle.

It wasn't a gang battle now. If they caught up with him it would be a massacre. And he didn't like massacres.

"Get a load of this, punk!" one of them hollered.

That wasn't good –

_Bang _

He felt the heat of the explosion first, waves of it rolling over his back and neck, then a millisecond later the ground shook and he was falling, his bike skidding across the ground on its own, hitting the dustbins with a clatter.

He lay there, watching it, his head singing slightly like it was bored. Maybe he'd hit it on the wall…

Bikes screeched to a halt around him.

"Well, well, well."

Was there any villain, _anywhere, _who didn't start their confrontational speech with _well, well, well?_

He blinked, stared up at the Clowns, who were edged with burning sunlight.

"I know him," one of them said. "Little punk knocked me off the road last night."

"Good. That means we can return the favour, heh, heh."

Kai fought down the urge to say _You just did. _

"This'll teach their stupid two-bit gang a lesson."

"Show 'em they can't mess with the Clowns."

"Let's get him, boys."

Dull iron bars smacked against gloved palms.

Okay, think, Kai told himself, wriggling backwards until he felt himself leaning against the sun-drenched wall. There's got to be a way out of this one…there's got to…

Being Beaten To Death With Iron Bars was, like, his least favourite way to die. Right up there with Being Run Over Several Times By A Bunch Of Drug-Crazed Bikers. Both of them looked depressingly likely.

The first bar shot towards his head, and he threw himself out of the way, and heard a _ching _as it bit chips out of the wall. One of the Clowns kicked out at him, catching him in the chin, and he nearly cried out as he bit his tongue again.

They stepped closer.

He was gonna _die. _That lump of mouldy chewing gum stuck to the kerb would be the last thing he ever saw. The panic buzzed in his ears, a faint, terrified growl. It was getting louder.

Hang on…

A bike! He sat up, dodged back and a bar clipped the front of his forehead – but yes, it was getting louder, and someone – someone was calling his name –

"Kaaiiiiiii!"

And as the rider shot past them, he stood up, clutching a length of piping, and swung it at the Clowns, and they dodged and scattered, rushed to their bikes –

"Kai, get on, quick!"

It was Yamagata.

Kai leapt to his feet and charged towards the bike. The world was full of roaring as the Clowns did the same, but he was a faster runner. He leapt onto the back and then they took off, zigzagging round the corner, left, right, left again, deeper and deeper into the backstreets of Neo-Tokyo. The Clowns tried to give chase, but the alleyway was too narrow for all the bikes to be used at once, and by the time they'd worked out the idea of taking turns, Yamagata and Kai were back on the main road, vanishing into the distance.

Slowly, as they rode down the street, Kai took stock of his injuries. A bruise on his jaw. A sore tongue and a bleeding mouth. A cut on his forehead. And a slightly woozy pain in his head which was probably due to hitting it on the wall.

But he'd had a lot worse before. Yeah, this was good.

"Thanks," he called to Yamagata over the roar of the engine. "How'd you find me?"

"Followed you. Once I threw off Suki, I took a guess on which way you'd gone, and then suddenly you come back the other way being chased by a bunch of Clowns. So I found a pipe, and came after you."

"I – thanks."

"Geez, why'd the hell you go off on your own anyway? Those Clowns were bound to find you, they spend way too much time hanging about on the streets."

"Not like us, with our burning desires to study and learn a vocation?"

Yamagata laughed, and Kai felt the sound vibrate through the other guy's body. "Nope. Not like us at all. But seriously – you do something that dumb again and I'll pound your head in myself."

"I get it…" Kai blinked. He could see the road, stretching out ahead of them, and the specks of grit flying up from the bike wheels, and the sunlight striking blazing light off the windows around them…but it was all going sort of blurry.

"Yamagata…"

"Yeah?"

"Uh…I don't feel so good…"

Way back in his memory, someone was telling him it wasn't a good idea to get dizzy on the back of a bike.

Yamagata glanced behind them to see if the Clowns were anywhere near, appeared to decide that they weren't, and screeched to a halt. "You don't _look _so good. You hit your head or anything?"

"Maybe…on the wall…"

"Crap. Okay, you better come back to my place. Yours is too far away, and if we go back to school Jaws'll knock you down by _breathing _on you."

"Heh…we all know his breath stinks, but I ain't that – that –"

The rest of the sentence seemed to evaporate somewhere in the darkness seeping over his eyes.

"Hang on," Yamagata said, and started the bike up again. Kai gripped him round the waist as they gathered speed, wishing he didn't feel so cold. The bike's motion wasn't helping his dizziness either; it just made his head swirl worse. He rested it against Yamagata's back, and tried to focus on that instead of the roaring and juddering below him. Skin under cloth. Muscles. Breathing.

Dimly, he remembered something.

"What – what about my bike?"

"We'll go back for it later, 'kay? It'll probably be…well, sort of still there."

"They're gonna bash it up…"

"You never know. Maybe they forgot to notice it when they started chasing us, and they won't remember where it is."

"Do…do you remember where it is?"

"Uh – sure I do."

Kai snorted. "Do not."

"Do too."

"Do…not!"

"Do too!"

He wanted to say _do not _again, but they hit a kerbstone and the resulting jump nearly made him black out, and all he could do was close his eyes.

"What…what if I can never ride a bike again?" he said a little later.

"That ain't gonna happen, don't worry. Hey, we're here now. You can stand, right?"

"Sure I can."

They skidded to a halt, and he swung himself off the bike and stood up. The world didn't quite catch up with him; everything wobbled when he looked at it, and the sun hurt his head.

He stumbled –

Then Yamagata caught his arm, and was helping him along into a shady hallway, cool on his eyes and skin.

"Oh, so you can stand, can you?"

"Ha, ha…very funny…"

"Well, can you manage stairs?"

"Course I can."

Shit, he felt so dizzy. The world seemed to be melting – shifting, strange, nothing stable, he could hardly even feel the floor. The only constant was Yamagata's hand holding him up.

And then they stumbled into a bedroom – a small part of his brain noticed the smell of old socks, half-drawn broken blind, lumpy bits of bikes…and then he was falling, being helped onto a bed, such a lovely soft bed, and then the darkness spilled all over his sight, and there was nothing for some time.

When he woke up, the sun had moved. It seeped through the blind, turning the room orange and humid.

He felt better, anyway. Things weren't melting any more.

"Kai? You okay?"

"I'm fine." He sat up a little. Yamagata was sitting in the far corner, wrenching at something oily with a screwdriver. "What're you doing?"

"Wanna see if I can customise this. Then I'd have twice the horsepower. I found it on a junk heap someplace."

Kai remembered his own bike, and sighed. Thinking about the Clowns wrecking it made him feel squirmy inside. They'd probably laugh as they did it. Burn it a bit, scratch the paint off before they actually bashed it to pieces. And it was all his fault.

Most of him wanted to go after them and get his property back, but a small part of his brain advised against standing. It could bring on unexpected side-effects.

"Worrying about your bike?"

"I'm just pissed, that's all."

"Hey, I told you, I bet they won't even have found it. They've got better things to do."

"I _liked _that bike," Kai said, picking at a loose thread on the blanket. "It was _my_ bike."

"Well, if you hadn't gone off –"

"If you say _anything _about being older and smarter –"

"Hey, don't get mad. It ain't good for your head, remember?"

"How would you know about what's good for my head?"

"Hey, you could have…concussion. Or…you know…dehydration. Or something."

Kai grinned. "Dehydration's what you get when you don't drink, you moron."

"Is not."

"Is too."

Yamagata stood up, rubbed his oily hands on his T-shirt, and strode over to the bed. "Well, whatever you've got, you got to rest. And not worry about anything. So quit getting edgy. Tell you what, when you're asleep, I'll go out and look for it myself."

"Why when I'm asleep?"

"Cos if you're awake, you'd wanna come with me, and the next thing I know you'd get your head beaten in with an iron bar. Again."

"Hey, I didn't –"

Yamagata flicked his fingers against the cut on Kai's forehead. "You did."

"Did not."

"Don't start that again, okay? Just get some more sleep."

Kai sighed, and lay back again, staring up at the ceiling. To tell the truth, he did still feel pretty tired. And it was kind of nice just lying here, in the dark warmth, not doing anything, not worrying about much. He felt floaty, light-headed. Yamagata had left oil on his forehead, but he didn't mind. It felt warm, made his skin tingle.

"Do you like her?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"That Suki girl."

"Kai, what is it with you and girls? You're one of those – those – misdirectives or whatever it is, people who hate women."

"No, I'm not. I'm just asking."

Normally he wouldn't have asked. But the sleepiness and the shade made it okay. He could always put it down to delirious ravings later.

"Course I like her. Why else would I put up with her?"

"No, but, but, if she was…fat, and ugly, and she didn't put out for you, _then _would you like her?"

There was a pause, then Yamagata said from above him, "You're bein' weird."

"Am not."

Yamagata snorted. "You're not jealous of her, are you?"

"I'm n –"

He stopped, puzzled, because maybe that was it…maybe he wasn't jealous of the other guys for having girls. Maybe he was jealous of the girls because they got to spend time with _his _friends.

Yamagata didn't seem to have noticed the hesitation, anyway. "Cos you don't need to be. _She _can't knock Clowns off the road, can she?"

Kai laughed, and raised himself up onto his elbows. "What, there's something the amazing Suki can't do?"

"Oh, get over it. She's just a bit of fun, is all. Here, pass me that spanner, I got to get working on this."

"Where's a spanner?"

"On the bedside table."

Kai rolled over to stare at the bedside table, which was buried in mouldy cups, more old socks, and faded magazines. "Where?"

"You're blind…" Yamagata sprawled himself over the bed, and over Kai's legs, and rummaged about behind the cups. "It's here." He slid back again, clutching the spanner, and shook it in front of Kai's face. "Idiot."

Kai blinked. Yamagata was so close to him, and so – so warm. And he smelt of oil, and sweat, and bikes. Nice smells, sensible smells, he wouldn't mind going out with a girl if she smelt like that.

He didn't even remember making a conscious decision. It just seemed so natural – like scratching an itch – to lean forward and kiss him.

So he did.

_Hey, this is good, _his mind said. _So this is why they all go on about kissing and stuff – only – _

Only it's –

For a moment they sat, frozen in the shade.

Then suddenly Yamagata dragged himself away as if he'd been burnt.

"What – what the hell are you doing?" he hissed. He'd gone very pale, and his eyes stood out in his face like blots of oil.

"I – I'm sorry –"

"No wonder you're so jealous of Suki." Yamagata rubbed a hand over his mouth, leaving a smear of oil across his face. Kai could see he was trembling slightly.

"I said I was sorry," he muttered. "I dunno know what happened. Probably the bang on the head."

_No, it wasn't, I wanted to do it and I'm glad I did because it felt so nice. So there. Only I won't say that, cos I don't want you bashing my skull in with a spanner. _

Yamagata glowered at him. "Get some sleep, okay. I'm – I'm – I'm going out."

He marched over to the door, opened it, Kai felt the stuffy air ripple.

"I'm not like that," Yamagata said over his shoulder. _"I'm not like that." _

And then he slammed the door behind him, and Kai heard his footsteps echoing down the stairs.

He lay back on the bed and tried to think.

It sure would explain why he didn't understand the others' fascination with girls.

But…

_Why the hell'd you have to do that with Yamagata? I mean, of all the people…he's your friend. Now he thinks you're…well, whatever he thinks, it isn't good. He looked so mad. _

He didn't want Yamagata to be mad at him. They were friends, weren't they?

_And you want another kiss. _

Do not.

_Do too. _

We're friends. Okay? _Friends._

Had been friends. Now what were they?

Yamagata sure didn't look like he wanted to be friends any more.

And that was the only option for them.

Right?

A lone sunbeam crept in through the window and tiptoed over his feet.


	2. I'm Scared Of Nothing

Chapter Two – I'm Scared Of Nothing

(A/N: Again reposted due to formatting problems. **No new material added.)**

I'm not like that!

Yamagata marched down the street, his thoughts gasping that line over and over again.

_I'm not like that!_

Above him the sun blazed like the sky was melting, and glanced off the skyscrapers, sending shards of light into his eyes.

_I'm not like that! _

He stopped, leant against a wall, and noticed his hands were shaking. For some reason this made him feel even worse.

_I'm not… _

Stop it. He mentally slapped himself, tried to get his thoughts to focus properly. They wouldn't co-operate, but he forced them to actually _think,_ rather than just panic. Panic like some dumb schoolgirl –

Stop. Stop and _think. _

Okay. So. Kai had kissed him. So. So what?

_It's sick, being like that…you shouldn't do it, you get in trouble…he guessed, he guessed and now everyone'll guess and they'll hate me, and, and…I'm not like that… _

The soup of panic washed over his brain, and he shoved his hands violently into his pockets because they still trembled.

He didn't guess, you moron, he told himself. It wasn't about guessing. He just, he just…thought you were cute, and, y'know, decided to do summat about it, and, and he had concussion anyway so he weren't thinking straight, and…

_You liked it, didn't you? _

Fear sliced down his throat and he felt sick.

No, I didn't. I'm straight, I know it, I'm not like that…

_I won't be like that…_

And slowly, without even trying, his mind peeled back and slid into that memory.

Five years ago, or something like that. Just before he'd met Kaneda and the others. He'd been hanging round with a bunch of other kids from his neighbourhood. They'd been lurking round the shopping centre for the past two hours. Now, as the sky started to turn yellow and tired, and the air changed from the warmth of the afternoon to the coolness of evening, they started to head back home, feet dragging over the dusty paving stones.

The newsagent's was a small building, tucked away down a back alley. One of the boys wanted to buy some sweets, so they all crowded into the tiny shop and kicked at the piles of newspapers and sniggered at the top-shelf porn. Pretty ladies with not many clothes and chests like balloons. He'd stared, laughing and wolf-whistling with the others, but inside not totally sure why he was doing so.

"Eeeuw, look, that one's got _guys _on it!"

"Why'd you want to buy one with guys in?"

"If you were a fag, stupid. Y'know, guys who get off on guys."

That nearly sent them all into hysterics.

"You ever bought any o'this stuff?" he'd asked.

"Yeah. All the time."

"Oh."

"You ain't?"

"I have." He shuffled his feet, and sent a pile of newspapers toppling over them.

"You have not. You're lying. Go on, I dare you to buy one."

"I don't wanna buy one!"

"I dare you. You gotta do it, if you're dared. Go on, buy the guy one. I _dare _you."

"Okay, I will!"

And he had. The newsagent had obviously just been desperate to get them out of his shop, because he'd taken the money despite the fact it was obviously an eleven-year-old offering it. And then they'd walked home laughing, and he'd whacked the others over the head with the magazine when they called him names, and then when he'd reached his apartment block he'd turned away from the rest of them and walked up the sick-coloured staircase, his footsteps echoing over the TV and shouting coming from the flats.

His mother was in the kitchen, and she didn't notice him slink past into his room. He didn't like his mother much, and he was pretty sure she didn't like him. Her eyes – watery, washed-out eyes – seemed blank when they looked at him, and she never smiled.

But he liked his dad. His dad was cool. No one messed with him, and why would they? The guy was over six foot and tough as hell.

Sometimes he'd hit Yamagata and his mum, but it was never that bad. Just a quick punch, and then he'd always buy you summat or pick you up afterwards. Sometimes the social services had seen the bruises or healing lip and taken Yamagata away from home, put him in care, but it never lasted, there wasn't enough room, and come on, it wasn't like he was in real danger or nothing. Besides, he hated being in care. Stuck with a bunch of nerds you wouldn't choose to even sit next to on a bus, whiners and bed-wetters and psychos. Stuck in rooms that always seemed to be painted some horrible shade of green or yellow. No, home was better any day.

Yamagata pushed the door of his room shut behind him, and dropped down to study the magazine. He'd shelled out his money for the damn thing, he may as well look at it, right?

The evening sunlight slid down over the ceiling, and smears of red, like wrinkles in the sky, throbbed outside the blind.

He didn't understand much of what he saw, but some of it was cool. It felt kind of nice, looking at it. Same sort of feeling he was beginning to get when he saw pretty girl singers, or Mishima Nara at school. A sort of tingly feeling.

So he put a hand down his jeans, and stroked the feeling, and the sun faded, and the sky began to turn deeper blue outside.

He was so involved in what he was doing that he didn't hear the door open, and only realised his mother was standing there watching him when she coughed, and said, "Dinner's ready."

He jumped, and looked up. She stood there, face blank, framed by stringy hair, but there was a blush, like a slap, spreading across her cheekbones. And she'd not only seen what he was doing, but what was making him do it. Her eyes scratched at him and the magazine like pins.

"Uh – yeah, I'm coming."

Her lips tightened, and she turned and walked out, into the dining room, where he could see his dad sitting and reading the paper.

Yamagata got to his feet, reluctantly closed the magazine, and went to wash his hands, and then headed into the dining room, and right away knew there was something wrong.

His mother slumped at the end of the table, staring down at her place, and his father had slammed the paper down – it lay, entrails spilling out across the table – and his face was knotted with anger, and Yamagata stopped, because this sort of anger usually meant a punch, and he didn't want to make it any worse for himself.

"Just _what _did you think you were doing?"

"I –"

And then his father had got up from the chair – the one with the snapped back, which skidded along the linoleum – and marched forward, and grabbed him by the shirt, and punched him.

"Your mother told me what she saw you doing."

Another blow, this one to the eye, and the world darkened and colours burst out of the walls and sparkled in front of his vision. And he swallowed, because he was really scared suddenly. His dad had never punched him more than once at a time before.

"I didn't do nothing…I just –"

"That disgusting magazine?"

"I was just lookin' at it –"

Another punch, and then his dad let go of him, and he collapsed onto the floor, and saw blood dotting itself across the linoleum like tiny footprints.

"Boys don't do that sort of thing," his father growled, and kicked him hard in the ribs, and the pain, hard, gritted, reverberated through the bones. "You get it? Boys don't do it. If they do, they ain't boys, they're not anything. They're freaks. That's what you wanna be?"

He shook his head, biting his bleeding lip to try and stop it trembling. He hadn't _meant _anything bad…he hadn't known…

His father looked down at him, and his face softened a little. "Then you get rid of that trash, and you don't do it again. Right?"

_I didn't mean anything bad._

And it had felt damn nice.

And none of the other guys ever let their dads boss them around. _His _dad never let anyone boss him around.

"I'll do whatever I want," he'd said through the blood seeping over his mouth.

That had been a mistake. That had been a big mistake.

His father had dragged him up on his feet again, and hit him again, lots and lots of times until he couldn't think any more, and then dragged him into the other room and beaten him with a belt and that had actually made him scream – and not much did, even then – and then left him lying there. There'd been so much blood, dotting the carpet, seeping into his T-shirt and down his chin. And he'd lain there as the night climbed up outside the window, and then – later – there'd been footsteps, and people he didn't know had come through the door.

His mum had called the social worker people. Yamagata often wondered if she'd planned it, known his dad would go crazy and get their son taken away from them. Not that he cared.

Because they'd taken him away from the flat, back into care, and this time he hadn't come back.

And he'd been in care ever since. No one wanted to adopt a trouble-making teenage boy with an attitude.

He remembered the first night he'd arrived. Lying in a hospital bed – on his front because his back still hurt too much to be touched – and trying to make sense of it all.

It was ten p.m. Several hours earlier, he'd been at home and expecting to stay there, he'd been normal, he'd been just having a bit of fun…and now he was here, in the dark, staring at the chipped paint of an unfamiliar bedstead, his body still sullen with pain, and listening to someone in another bed crying, over and over.

_Freak… _

He hadn't _meant_ anything bad.

Well, so what? He obviously had done something bad. His dad was smart enough to know. So he'd just have to be careful now. Ignore that part of him that seemed to like thinking about guys like _that. _Not listen to it. It'd be easy enough, right?

_Because if you don't, you'll be a freak, and everyone will know this time, and they'll really hurt you. _

He rested his head on his arms, and closed his swollen eyes.

_I'm not a freak. I'm not like that. _

Deep down inside him maybe there was something wrong with him. But he wasn't going to admit that, was he? He'd ignore the freak bit. And if he ignored it, maybe it would die.

He could control it. He wouldn't – couldn't – let it control him.

All that brought was pain.

It had been easy enough. For the last five years he'd been happy enough with girls, and hadn't let his mind ever think about boys at all, not in that way. And it had worked. A few dreams, that was all. And dreams didn't count, and he'd pretended he couldn't remember them.

And now _this. _

Kai had kissed him. Kai had kissed him and it wasn't fair, because he'd liked Kai, they'd been friends, he didn't want to hate him, but that was what he was gonna have to do, because going near the guy now would be too dangerous, it would be like touching a live wire, it could fry him.

_I didn't like it, I hated it, it was sick and gross and horrible and I didn't like it._

_Yes, you did… _

_No!_ Right, that was it. He wasn't going near Kai, no way, not ever. Besides, he had Suki now. He didn't need anyone else.

_If someone offered you Suki or Kai, both buck-naked, which would you choose? _whispered that part of his mind which knew exactly how he really felt.

He decided not to answer that question. It shouldn't be as hard a decision as it was.

Just because he'd never _seen _Kai naked.

Stop it! He mentally slapped himself again. Right. Okay. If he never, never thought of the kiss again – except in a _yuck _way – and if he reminded himself it was Suki who was hot, Suki who he was going with, Suki who was what he liked, and if he – if he just – just kept right away from Kai…

Things would all be all right.

Once Kai was over his concussion, he'd kick him out, and make sure he never got into such a dumb situation again.

Yeah. That'd work.

Cigarette smoke curled up through the hot night air, glowing in the light of a million skyscrapers.

Kai rested his elbows on the side of the bridge, and stared down at the road. On either side of him, the shopping centre glowed with music and neon, and below him, tiny glimmers of headlamps skimmed over the road. He was on top of the world here, right in the middle of Neo-Tokyo. The city buzzed with light around him, specks of streetlamp and skyscraper as far out as you could see.

He sighed, and turned towards the others. Kaneda was sitting on the edge of the fountain, Hiroko draped round him. He was talking to Tetsuo, who was looking kind of bored, probably because Kaori wasn't there. And on the other side of the fountain, half-hidden behind the curtains of glistening water, were Yamagata and Suki.

Kai felt his eyes narrow.

It had been a week since the, um, incident. His bike was still missing. And Yamagata was treating him like a cross between a loony and a plague victim – that is, always walking at least three foot away from him, only speaking to him when he had to, and never, never making eye contact.

Like I'd got a sign round my neck, he thought. _This boy is unclean._

Suki's shriek of laughter tore into the night. Kai wondered if he dared go grab two of the crushed beer cans floating in the fountain and pitch them at her and her boyfriend's heads. In the end he decided against it. He'd managed to keep his face unbeaten for the past week. Why break a good record?

Course, the main reason he _hadn't _had his face broken was that he hadn't been out riding, due to the lack of a bike. He hitched a lift with one of the others when he had to – like to get into school – but no one really wanted to risk riding two to a bike when you had a hoard of angry Clowns on your tail.

And hitching a lift sucked anyway. Kaneda didn't mind exactly, but he kept lecturing Kai on how important it was not to lose your bike, and that got real old after the second time. Hitching a lift with Tetsuo meant an argument because Kai couldn't resist offering to drive because he was _obviously _the better driver, which didn't go down too well.

And Yamagata…

Yamagata managed to never give him a lift, because Yamagata managed to be halfway down the road and accelerating whenever the subject came up.

"Kai, quit sulking and come act like a normal person."

Kai pushed himself off the wall and turned to face Kaneda. "I am acting normal."

"You've been staring into the traffic all night. You gonna fling yourself down there or something?"

Kai scowled, and slunk over to the fountain, feeling like the whole world was snapping and snarling at him. He sat down on the edge of it, between Tetsuo and Suki, who was leaning against Yamagata, her hair sprawled across his chest. That was just as irritating as everything else she did, he thought. But then, everything was driving him mad tonight, including the annoyingly perky music oozing out of the shopping centre doors.

Although maybe annoyingly perky was better than miserable love ballads. For some reason those were getting to him _way _too much. Whereas before he'd snort and turn off the radio, or roll his eyes, or make fun of it, now…now they sort of seemed to echo how he felt.

However _that _was.

Suki giggled again, and he glanced in her direction. She was nuzzling up against Yamagata, leaving lipstick smears on his chin.

Give me oil any day, Kai thought. Yamagata glanced up, met his eyes, and he felt an odd, nervous jump in his stomach.

_Yeah, cos even though he seems to hate your guts, you still want to kiss him again. _

I do not.

Yamagata dropped his gaze, and then suddenly grabbed Suki by the shoulders and kissed her so hard she yelped.

"What're you doing to her?" Kaneda called from the other side of the fountain.

"Oh, don't worry about –" Suki's last word was engulfed by another kiss. She and Yamagata were slowly moving into a more horizontal position, his hands crawling over her body. Kai crossed his fingers and hoped they'd fall into the fountain.

"Kaneda," Hiroko said, "I'm bored."

"Well, let's go someplace else, then. Come on, guys."

Tetsuo got to his feet. Kai stayed where he was. Yamagata and Suki continued grappling.

"Guys?"

"I'll stay here," Kai said.

"How'll you get home afterwards?"

"I'll walk. Clowns won't pick on me if I don't have a bike, they won't notice me."

"Okay…" Kaneda frowned, then shrugged. "Yamagata?"

"Mm…no, I, um, got stuff to do."

"Hah, I noticed. Okay, see you tomorrow."

Kai watched the others walk away from the glittering mall, their shadows stretching out dark from their feet.

So. Now what?

He glanced at Yamagata again, and felt a dull, heavy fury pulse inside him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't damn well fair.

He didn't need to freak out like that. I said I was sorry, didn't I? He doesn't need to keep treating me like I'm some sort of weirdo. And it's absolutely pathetic trying to make me jealous or whatever he's doing, because it is _not _working –

He realised he was clenching his fists so hard his fingers hurt.

"Yamagata?" he said. "You gonna be done any time soon?"

Yamagata sat up a little, and glared at him.

"Look," he said, "I know you're a freak, but I'm not. So why don't you just piss off and leave me to get on with stuff, like a normal person?"

"I'm a freak?" Kai heard his voice go tight with rage. "Hey, you're the one who's so desperate you'd – you'd screw a two-bit – fish-faced – whore. No one else'd have you, is that it?"

Suki sat up a bit now, flicked a strand of hair back behind her ear. "Watch your mouth, you little pig. Why don't you go and find something to do with some other kids, 'stead of sitting here watching the grown-ups?"

"Fuck _you –" _He wasn't thinking any more, his mind was a swirl of fury – suddenly he was running towards Suki, fists still clenched – and she shrieked – and Yamagata stood up, and backhanded him across the face, and then he was sprawled across the concrete.

Yamagata stalked over to him, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up to face level.

"Get the hell out," he said.

"Why should I?" Kai hissed. "Why can't I chat with Suki a while – just tell her what happened last week – how much you liked it –"

Yamagata hit him again, then dropped him.

"Get out," he said, and walked away.

But he'd gone pale for a second there, and Kai had felt his hand tense.

Slowly he picked up himself up, rubbed the bruise forming on his face, and staggered a little way along the bridge, and back into the stuffy, perfumed air of the mall. He felt dizzy again, like he was floating some way above his body, but as he stepped onto the escalator, he started to sink back into himself, and his bruises throbbed, and he felt stamped on, and stupid, and small.

Hate you. _Hate _you. _Hate _you.

That music was still going on, and it was squashing his anger, trying to make him happy. Well, he _wouldn't _be happy. He was going to hold onto this rage, going to make it burn.

Hate you. _Hate _you. _Hate _you.

you. you. you. 

Reached the ground now. Walking over old paper bags, kicking squashed drinks cans which rattled away from his feet, the blazing shop windows dazzling his night-soaked eyes. His thoughts meshed with his footsteps, and the anger flowed through him down to the soles of his shoes.

Hate you. _Hate _you. _Hate –_

And there, parked outside, was Yamagata's bike.

He'd ridden on that bike, a week ago. Now if he even looked at it Yamagata drove it away from him so he couldn't contaminate it with his weird, sick, _freak _eyes.

Hate you –

Suki would ride on it tonight, wouldn't she. Wrap her bracelet-covered arms round him, rest her messy, greasy head on his back, whisper stupid sappy stuff from her sticky, shiny lips. And they'd laugh, they'd laugh at him, the stupid freak kid who had no friends and no girlfriend, and Yamagata would say _he's so desperate he tried to leap on me, how's that for freakiness? _and Suki would giggle and then he'd stop the bike and turn round to her and they'd start eating each other's faces –

Hate you hate you hate you

He was hardly conscious of kneeling down, hardly conscious of dragging the knife that he carried from his pocket, hardly conscious of finding the brake leads on the bike and slicing, slicing, slicing, till all his rage had oozed out of his arm and he was just sitting there, watching the headlights rush along the knife's blade…

Eventually he pushed it back into his pocket, and stood up. He was shaking slightly, and he tried not to look at the bike.

But this'll show that stuck-up whore and – and –

Sabotage.

Sabotage was _bad. _Really bad. If – if any of them found out – it wouldn't be just Yamagata mad with him, it would be all of them –

But how? How could he fix it now? Oh shit, he'd just have to hope, maybe Yamagata would – would be able to stop okay, or maybe, maybe he could walk up to them now and say he thought the leads looked pretty dodgy, yeah, that could work…

Get real. They won't listen.

What had he done?

The evening air was cold, and suddenly he was scared.

Well, he'd wait here. He'd wait, and, and…then when they came, he'd do something. Something.

Something.

Much later, or so it seemed, there were running footsteps, and shouting. Familiar-voiced shouting.

"What is with you tonight?" Suki was screaming. "You've been after me like you lost your keys in my underpants! I like a good time but –"

"Well, what's your problem, then?" Yamagata snapped back.

"My problem is you're only doing this because you're bored." Suki sounded like she was pouting. "You're only doing to this to – to prove something to your stupid friends. You're not doing this to make me happy or anything. Are you?"

"I am so!"

"You are not!"

Suki crashed through the glass-fronted doors, stilettos hitting the pavement like bullets. Yamagata stormed after her, looking rumpled and extremely cross.

"Quit being such a bitch," he said. "You don't want a good time with me, there's plenty of girls who do."

"Oh, of _course. _Millions of girls want to go out with Yamagata the Great. Well, I'm not one of them! Find someone you actually like, not – not someone you just want to impress your mates with!"

Blinking mascara-dyed tears away, she click-clacked off down the road. Yamagata glared after her a moment, then turned to face his bike, and started slightly as he saw Kai sitting on it.

"I thought you'd gone," he said.

"Well…I haven't." Kai stood up. "Don't worry. I haven't polluted your bike and…and I'm gonna walk home now. Bye."

Yamagata didn't even want to speak to him. How the hell could he do anything now?

"You – uh – you want a lift?"

"Huh?"

"Do – you – want – a – lift, moron." Yamagata stood, staring at a point a few inches above Kai's head, and threw out the words as though he couldn't see who he was aiming them at. "Yes or no. I'm in a hurry."

Kai swallowed, and stared at the bike, which shone under the streetlamps.

This could kill you.

But…

He couldn't just let Yamagata drive off into the darkness. If – _if _what he'd done actually worked (oh, please don't let it) – then there'd be an accident, and Yamagata'd be all alone in the dark and he might get found by cops or Clowns…he might die…

At least if I'm there, there'll be someone to call an ambulance.

It was such a horrible thought he didn't want to keep it in his head any more than necessary.

"Sure, okay."

He climbed on behind Yamagata, and tried to breathe normally. Maybe, maybe if he acted normal, kept calm, maybe everything would just _be _normal.

I can't really have done anything really bad. I can't have done.

He knew enough about bikes to know that that was a big lie, but this thought was nicer. He didn't want to think about what might happen. Really didn't.

And the engine started, and they were dashing through glittering streets, pulsing headlamps, and adverts for noodles and movies, and shop windows stuffed with TV sets, glowing and dancing in the thick, smoky night. And even riding on the back of a bike was cool. Neo-Tokyo roared and sang in his ears. When you were like this, you had power, you could go anywhere, do anything, you were unstoppable.

He remembered his own bike, and sighed.

"We'll find it," Yamagata called back to him through the air rushing past them. "Your bike, right?"

"Uh-huh." Wow, for a moment the guy had actually sounded like he was talking to a human being.

"I'll drop you back home?"

Oh no, now it was back to the dead voice.

"Yeah, that's cool."

He wanted to ask _why are you talking to me at all? _but if he did, Yamagata might remember he wasn't supposed to, and go all silent again. And he was enjoying this ride too much, the rushing air, and the speed, and –

Yamagata being so close you could practically stroke him if you wanted.

Oh, shut up.

On the other hand, it was kind of nice being close to someone like this. Just because, you know, it was cool to feel you weren't alone.

Oh, yeah? Didn't notice you getting all mushy about hitching a lift with Kaneda or Tetsuo.

Shut up.

Anyway, he'd better not get too touchy-feely. Not that he wanted to, of course. But if he _did, _Yamagata would probably stop and fling him off into the road.

_No, he won't stop, he'll try and stop, and then he'll realise he can't. Remember?_

Kai swallowed as a nasty, sick, guilty feeling started to bubble in his stomach. No, he hadn't remembered. He'd been doing his best to forget. But now it slammed back into his mind like a brick or, heh, an iron bar, and it was impossible to think about anything else.

_Be careful…please be careful… _

"Don't get me killed," he said. "Just…slow down, will you?"

"You're telling _me _to slow down? Kai, what is with you? Don't tell me a week without a bike and you're turning into a wimp."

"No. I just…"

I just sabotaged your bike and I'm scared I'm gonna kill us.

"Forget it."

"Yeah, well, I know what I'm doing."

Yes. But you don't know what I did.

"Yeah. I guess."

Yamagata shook his head as he charged through the oncoming traffic.

Kai looked round at the streets. They were nearly back. Nearly safe –

Oh, shit. Yamagata would drop him off at the dorm, and then ride off alone…

On the other hand, he'd have to stop first. Maybe he'd notice what was going on. Maybe he'd slow down, and then realise the brakes weren't working, and then, then he'd see it was too dangerous to ride any more, and he'd be okay.

Yeah. That could work. Kai started to feel a little better. It would all be okay if that happened, and it could happen, it could happen easy. He'd just tell Yamagata to slow down a bit once they got to the right street cos of the complaints he'd get the next day about the noise –

"After them!"

"Huh?" Kai turned, and all his terror rushed forward again. "Yamagata, it's the Clowns!"

"Shit, what _is _it with them? They got homing beacons on us or something?"

"What'll we do?"

"Lose 'em – hope we don't get our heads whacked off –"

The tyres squealed as Yamagata wrenched the bike round a corner. Kai clung on as the bike tipped to the side, trying not to notice the warmth of Yamagata's body under his hands. This was no time to be getting…weird.

"Uh-oh, still following –" Kai glanced behind them. The lead Clown was gaining, and _shit, _he had a damn iron bar…

"Hang on…"

Another corner, another. Kerbs and lights and the clatter and spit of iron bars dragged along tarmac. Shouts and taunts from behind them.

And then – then Yamagata was charging straight towards a wall of slowly moving cars – lights noise petrol – and zigzagging between them – and an explosion of hooting and cursing from the drivers – and several crashes as Clowns met cars – and then, then they were coasting down the road, away from the gridlock, and most importantly, away from the Clowns.

Yamagata cheered, and punched the air. "See? Told you I knew what I'm doing!"

"Hey, I believe you. 'Cept we're now going in completely the wrong direction." Kai watched as the road sloped away into darkness ahead of them. Every so often a car charged past into it and was swallowed up. Empty houses lurked on the edges of it, shutting out the city-glow, spilling shadow over the pavements instead.

"Shut up. Where's your sense of adventure?"

"With my bike."

"Okay, okay. I'm turning round…"

His hand tensed on the brakes.

And then –

"Huh? We're not –"

Oh, shit – they were going faster and faster – lights of cars rushing past them – faster – faster – faster –

And then – then the bike rocked violently, and he was thrown off, and the ground slammed into him several times, and the night broke through his skull.

"Kai?"

Ow…

"Kai!"

His skull growled and throbbed…he hurt…

"Kai, if you're dead I'm gonna fucking kill you, now wake up…please wake up…"

He tried opening an eye. Nothing terrible happened, so he opened both.

Someone shook him. "Kai!"

"Yeah…"

Yamagata blurred into focus above him.

"You – you okay?" he said.

"I'm fine." Kai sat up, slowly. "You?"

Yamagata nodded. He was shaking.

"What the fuck happened?" he said, sharply, painfully. "I – I tried to fucking stop, and the fucking brakes…they wouldn't fucking work…"

Suddenly Kai remembered what he'd done.

"Are you _sure _you're okay?" he yelled. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just a little…shook up…"

He did look shocked. The headlights of the passing cars kept flaring up in the sweat on his face, and he was staring out at the world as though it was all too new and loud for him.

"You've taken tumbles before," Kai said slowly, and guilt started to crunch his stomach. _What have I done…_

"Yeah, but then I knew what I was doing…I mean…my bike worked, I worked, it was cos of the Clowns, or it was me not gettin' something right…this…it should've worked…"

He ran a hand over his face.

"And then I saw you lying over here out cold and I thought I'd killed you, I thought you were dead…"

"Well, I'm not," Kai said. "Don't worry."

He looked round, squinting in the darkness. They were sprawled at the side of the road, near the old houses. Every so often a car shot past them and burned out his eyes.

"Where's your bike?"

Yamagata jerked a thumb behind them. His bike lay on its side, embedded in a wall, looking as miserable as a bike could.

"Is it okay?"

"Dunno. Seems to be all right, but I'm not riding it again if it's gonna bail out on me…"

Kai swallowed, and rubbed a hand over his face, wishing he could block out this whole scene forever and wake up in bed having had a rather horrible dream.

"Kai, _are you okay?"_

"For the third time, yes! Quit freaking out!"

Yamagata shrugged, and started picking chunks of grit out of the grazes on his arms.

"Hey, I thought you might be getting dizzy –" he said, and then stopped, and reddened, and their eyes met, and suddenly Kai remembered they were supposed to be mad with each other.

_Coward. He can't even admit why he's mad._

"Why would you care?_" _he snapped. "Only freaks get dizzy, don't they?"

Yamagata folded his grazed arms, and scowled. "Yeah, that's what _I _always heard."

"Well, if I'm so freaky, why'd you give me a lift?"

"I dunno. Maybe I'm just a great person."

"Oh, yeah, _sure _you are."

"Well, at least I ain't…"

He stopped.

"This is stupid," he said at last. "Come on, let's start walking. We can't stay here all night."

Kai got to his feet, wincing as several bruises suddenly flared into life on his skin, and watched as Yamagata helped his bike out of the wall and started dusting it off. Watched in a totally non-interested manner, okay?

Well, all right, maybe slightly interested.

It wasn't his fault he was suddenly feeling breathless, that the air was trapped in his chest and flickering behind his ribs like a lantern flame. And it wasn't his fault he suddenly wanted to smile for no reason.

And it wasn't his fault Yamagata was damn hot in the first place…tall, and, and you wanted to run your hands over the muscles smooth in his skin, and…

Yamagata turned and met his eyes, and Kai felt himself blush.

"Quit staring at me," Yamagata snapped.

"Who says I was staring?"

"I saw you. Quit it."

"Why should I?" The breathless feeling was still there, and Kai took several deep swallows of air to try and get rid of it.

"Cos I ain't like that and I don't need you sighing over me like some ditzy fangirl!"

Kai suddenly really wanted to punch him. "I'm not _sighing _over you. I just…"

"What?" Yamagata climbed onto his bike.

"I don't see why it bothers you. When Suki gropes you, you just sit there and smirk."

"That's because Suki's normal, and I'm normal, and you're not."

For a moment there was silence, silence thick with the roars of cars and radios pulsing through the air.

Kai walked slowly towards Yamagata, anger burning a hole in his throat and glowing red behind his eyes. He didn't know what he was going to do – all he knew was that he had to do something, because the fury was too hot to stand still with.

They stood, facing each other, the headlights of the cars behind them rushing across Yamagata's eyes.

"You take that back," Kai said, and the anger gripped his voice and it hurt to speak. "You take that back _right now." _

"Make me. It's true, ain't it?"

_Hate _you. _Hate _you…

_I don't want him to hate me … _

Hate you…

He nearly hit out – he wanted to – the anger jumped around inside – but Yamagata, staring scornfully into his eyes, was close enough to touch –

To kiss –

So he did. It was dark, and the hot night wrapped around them, and Kai could feel the warmth from the other guy's skin seeping into him, dull and heavy. His head started to throb – but it wasn't a bad ache – it was part of the aching all over him that just sat up and _begged _for him to keep doing this – Yamagata had frozen, wasn't pulling away, wasn't responding, and Kai knew this could only lead to trouble, but it felt so good –

_I'll** make** you see I'm normal…or that you're as freaky as me…_

Yamagata clutched Kai's shoulders, and leant forward into the kiss, pulling Kai down towards him…and time really did seem to have slowed, just like in the movies, turned into an everlasting second of heat and darkness…

They broke apart.

Kai wanted to drop his eyes, but he made himself keep staring. He wasn't gonna let up.

_Go on. Admit it. _

Yamagata was shaking. Then he drew a long, slow breath.

"You bastard," he said at last. "Why…"

"Why not?"

_"I'm not like that!" _

Yamagata sprang to his feet, and starting dragging the bike along the road.

"What are you so damn scared of?" Kai yelled after him.

"I'm scared of _nothing!" _

"You're scared of this!"

"I'm just sick of locking lips with you!"

"You liked it!"

Yamagata didn't answer. Just vanished into the darkness.


	3. Now We're Even

Chapter Three - Now We're Even  
  
(The Akira characters © Katsuhiro Otomo, although Suki is kind of © me, I guess. Please r+r! By the way, if anyone knows how to stop ff.net changing ellipses (.) to full stops, please tell me! It's driving me nuts!)  
  
Yamagata kicked at the door of his room, and it flew back and hit the wall with a crash, followed by several smaller crashes as a pile of (extremely dusty) schoolbooks fell off the shelf and hit the floor. He marched into the sticky darkness of the room and slammed the door closed again, and as the sound echoed down the corridor outside, stood, trying to think - trying not to feel -  
  
It had happened again.  
  
He'd been so damn stupid and it had happened again.  
  
The room was baking hot, even though it was night. Sweat was already starting to ooze over his skin, smearing the dried blood from the grazes on his arms.  
  
He walked over to the window, wrenched at the broken blind until he managed to block out some of the city lights. No need to freak out when someone could see in.  
  
He shouldn't even have gone off with Kai in the first place! He should've left him at the mall and gone with Suki. Yeah, Suki, his girlfriend Suki, he was supposed to like her, she was hot.  
  
Only she'd been pissed with him and stormed off, stupid bitch. So he'd been standing there, feeling like someone had stirred him all up inside, mad with her and horny as hell, and then he'd seen Kai sitting there looking so damn worried.  
  
Not that the horny bit and the Kai bit were connected at all -  
  
(Liar.)  
  
Not that they were connected at all - he'd just, well, over this past week he'd really missed Kai. Not in any sort of weird way, just missed him because they were, like, friends. And also he felt dumb doing the silent treatment. Normally when he was mad with one of the other guys he yelled at them and they brawled a little and then it was all okay again.  
  
But he couldn't do that with Kai, because he couldn't go near Kai.  
  
He'd just wanted to stop being enemies.  
  
And instead this had happened. First his bike crashing - and that scared him because he didn't even know why, he'd been looking after it good, what had gone wrong? - and then Kai - Kai and him - kissing -  
  
Again.  
  
Part of his brain, the slightly more sensible bit, knew that it was dumb to worry about it, that maybe it was okay that he liked someone that way. Even if it was a boy.  
  
But whenever he thought of it - whenever he thought of letting go and just saying, even to himself, I'm gay - I'm like that -  
  
He couldn't. He just couldn't. It was like - like having to break his own arm or something.  
  
Even if he had liked that kiss.  
  
Really liked it.  
  
Wanted it to go on.  
  
And instead he'd walked away. He glanced out at the splinters of night sticking out between the gaps in the blind. Kai was still out there, he'd walked away and left him. Some lift that was!  
  
I don't care. He shouldn't act like a freak.  
  
One thing was clear. This wasn't just Kai liking him any more. It was him liking - liking -  
  
I won't say it -  
  
He sank down onto the bed, and found himself trembling.  
  
Damn Kai, anyway! Why'd he have to be such a pest - why'd he have to do that - why'd he have to be so -  
  
So cute.  
  
Yamagata groaned, and rolled over and buried his face in the pillow.  
  
So hot still. Outside the city roared and shrieked, and headlights blazed across the ceiling. It was too warm to even wrap a sheet over himself, so he just lay, the thick, damp air sitting on his forehead.  
  
***  
  
Boys don't do that sort of thing! Stop it! Stop it - please -  
  
It was dark and hot and he was being yelled at - and he crouched, trying desperately not to cry, because boys didn't do that either - Kai's kisses burned on his lips and his dad could see them - it was all gonna happen again - don't hurt me! Don't! You're stupid and weak, you gotta fight, everyone'll laugh. You're so dumb. You're so stupid. Leave me alone! Leave me alone!  
  
And suddenly he was awake.  
  
He lay, his breathing tumbling through the dark room, clutching the sheet to him. His skin was as cold and sticky as school custard.  
  
Slowly the shapes in the room stopped being monsters and turned back into familiar things, the pile of socks, the magazines scattered across the bedside table, the light bulb above him. He wondered what time it was. The dorms were silent around him, choked by the breathing of a million unwanted kids.  
  
He hadn't dreamt about his dad for years.  
  
He didn't want to now. On his side, just above his hip, was a small, curved scar, where the buckle of the belt had caught a cut and dragged it open. Normally he could look at that scar and see it as an everyday, normal thing, like his hair or his T-shirt. Now even thinking about it was making him feel sick, making him curl up as though someone had slugged him in the stomach.  
  
He wanted to sleep again, but he couldn't. Every time he tried to think of something else, he remembered what was going on, and then he started to feel sick and frightened again. But he wanted to sleep. Sleep would block everything out. If he didn't dream again. But even if he did at least time would pass. Time wasn't passing at all at the moment. Each dark, sweaty second was tangling round his feet, dragging him down. How could he stay awake with this fear when there were still so many seconds to go?  
  
The scar burnt.  
  
Stop it -  
  
Outside the city babbled. Cars screeched past the window. How could people still be awake at this time? How could they be just living without fear, sick strangling fear that he couldn't tear off?  
  
Stop it -  
  
Slowly, slowly, the night faded.  
  
Kai gazed at him from the shadows, his face sunken and dark, headlights glowing in his eyes. And their lips met, and then Yamagata wrenched himself away and lay alone again, cursing his mind with the worst words he knew. Dammit, why couldn't he think properly?  
  
The sun rose.  
  
Why was he so confused? He was sick with confusion, it made his stomach lurch and his head ache. And he couldn't lie still, he lay on one side of the bed, then the other, the sheet tangled round him like soggy rope and Kai and his dad stared out at opposite sides of his mind and fought for his thoughts and tried to tear them apart until Yamagata yelled at both of them to quit it, and then they slunk back into the dusty corners of his brain and waited.  
  
The sun rose, tinting the blind-sliced window grey, then pale yellow, then blazing gold.  
  
They waited.  
  
Yamagata sat up as the sun crept over the ceiling, and scowled.  
  
He hated everything. His eyes felt like they were sand-coated, and the tiredness was like being knocked slightly dizzy. And so what if the daylight had come? He still didn't feel any better. Because the problems were still there.  
  
He was still scared.  
  
Him, Yamagata, who was never scared, him who they called reckless, him who they knew would take up any dare.  
  
Why was he scared?  
  
And why the hell should he be?  
  
Why?  
  
He was sick of feeling like he was being torn up inside! He was sick of not being able to sleep! He was sick of not being able to think proper. And why was he like this? Like he'd said to Kai, he was scared of nothing! Why was he suddenly acting like a little baby, curled up in the dark unable to sleep? How pathetic was that?  
  
(You're pathetic.)  
  
It was stupid to be scared of something so - dumb.  
  
(You're stupid.)  
  
No. No. The voice chipped away at his mind, and he gritted his teeth against it because it had to be lying. It wasn't his fault he was scared, was it?  
  
He got to his feet, ran a hand through his tangled hair, which was leaking black stripes into his vision, and scowled. Yeah. His dad was the one who'd made him so scared. And Kai was the one who'd brought it all back, made him remember, made the scar burn on his skin -  
  
They'd given him that long, horrible night. And they'd given him that fear.  
  
No one gave him fear.  
  
He'd show 'em both. Maybe he was scared, but he could damn well fight back still. He'd show 'em both. Right now.  
  
***  
  
The Eighth District Vocational Training School didn't look any better in the sun. The graffiti just blazed brighter, and shadows spilled from the carved swearing speckling the walls.  
  
Kai was sitting with the others in the parking lot, looking slightly unconnected because he was the only one not perched on a bike. Not that Yamagata minded. It made it easier for him to march up, grab Kai's arm and drag him away from the others, growling, "We need to talk."  
  
"Couldn't we have - ow - talked there?" Kai gasped as he was hauled past the flat, glass-faced school buildings. "Where's the fire -"  
  
"You know what we're gonna talk about. And I wanna keep that secret."  
  
They stumbled up the steps into the school building. The corridors were very quiet - no one came into school early - and their footsteps echoed down them through the shade.  
  
Yamagata kicked open the door of a random classroom, dragged Kai through after him, and slammed him up against the wall.  
  
"What -"  
  
Kai's words were cut off as Yamagata grabbed the sides of his head and slammed a kiss into his mouth. It felt good - and inside part of his brain nodded and said Yesss - but over the pleasure was rage, rage that he smashed into the kiss like he would have into a punch, and the scar bit into his side and he didn't want to think about it.  
  
"There!" he gasped as they broke apart. "There, now we're even. Oh, yeah, I forgot -" He kissed him again, keeping the other boy shoved against the wall. "I mayn't be that smart, but I can count. Two for the two you did. Now you're happy! Now you can quit playing around!"  
  
Kai stared up at him. For a moment he almost looked - relieved? But then that vanished, was swallowed up by the apprehension in his face, and Yamagata tried not to notice that, because guilt was the last thing he needed right now.  
  
"Go on, say summat!" he yelled at Kai. "What the hell else do you want? You want more? You want me to do it again? You want me to fuck you senseless? What do you want?"  
  
Kai swallowed. His face was blank suddenly, but his eyes were dark and shiny like broken glass at night.  
  
"I wasn't playing around," he said at last, and his voice was low, and it shook slightly - anger, fear, sadness? Yamagata told himself he didn't care.  
  
"I was never playing around," Kai continued. "I just - I just did it, that was all. I did it cos I like you, and I mean like you, and I think you're cool. And you know what I want? I'd want us to, to, you know, start going out. I mean - that you wouldn't mind kissing me. And it wouldn't be like just some power struggle thing or whatever the hell you think it is. It would just be two people being together because they like each other. But I know what you'll say to that, so if you could just get off and let me get to class?"  
  
Yamagata stared at him.  
  
I like you - and I think you're cool -  
  
Two people being together because they like each other -  
  
And those kisses had felt - good -  
  
And suddenly the rage was shrivelling and melting inside him, and even as he tried to grab onto it, he caught instead some other feeling, a weird shiny choked feeling.  
  
And then he'd let go of Kai, had let him straighten up, and Kai stood there, straightening his jacket, which was shiny in the sun, and then stared at him, and Yamagata wanted to glare back, but somehow -  
  
"Yamagata?" Kai whispered. "Hey - you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine. I just -"  
  
He could walk out now. He should walk out. He should walk out and be cool and stop, stop feeling so weird! Any of the others would walk out. His dad would've walked out. He'd done what he'd meant to, shown he wasn't scared.  
  
Well, okay, he was scared, but he'd shown them he wasn't putting up with any crap even so.  
  
Yeah. Now he should go. He'd made his point. And now he and Kai could - could -  
  
Go back to being friends?  
  
His body didn't like that idea one bit. His body was melting, hot inside, at the thought of more kisses, and touches, and -  
  
His mind slapped it down, but that was like trying to hide an ocean.  
  
No. He couldn't be friends with Kai. Not now.  
  
Then walk out. Don't be friends.  
  
He couldn't do that, either.  
  
And even as the scar burnt and fear gnawed at his insides and drooled sweat over his skin, he opened his mouth, and said the only other option.  
  
"Never said we couldn't go out."  
  
Kai's mouth fell open. "Huh?"  
  
Yamagata grinned, and the grin broke up the tautness inside him, and he began to laugh. "You look like a fish."  
  
"Oh, shut up! This is important. You're saying - you're saying we - we could? I mean, we could?"  
  
"Yeah. If you want."  
  
I can do this. It's okay.  
  
And I want to do this.  
  
"Of course I want to, you moron." Kai ran a hand over his hair, then frowned. "Hang on. You do mean this, right? This ain't a joke -"  
  
"No."  
  
"And it ain't - that you're just saying it to get me off your back?"  
  
"No!"  
  
Kai frowned at him a moment, then walked forward, slowly, and reached up, and kissed him.  
  
It was a gentle kiss, and it was nervous, like he didn't know exactly what he was doing, or what would happen - and Yamagata knew this was dangerous, it was freaky, it was wrong, it was going to hurt him - but he told himself to shut up, and the desire washed over the fear like seawater over sharp rocks, and hid it from view, and suddenly he felt - okay again.  
  
"We'd better get to class," Kai said at last.  
  
"You're too keen."  
  
"Come on. Besides, there'll be a lesson in here or summat soon."  
  
"Point." The last thing Yamagata wanted was for a crowd of juvenile delinquents to catch them doing this.  
  
Especially not a certain group of juvenile delinquents -  
  
"We mustn't let the others know."  
  
"We mustn't?"  
  
"Kai, they'll freak."  
  
Kai shrugged. "They might not."  
  
"No. They might have a good laugh and tease us and then accept it as totally normal. Or they might think it's sick and kick us out of the gang. I don't know which, and I don't wanna find out." I won't find out. No way.  
  
Kai shrugged. "Well, I guess - so, we have to act - normal?"  
  
"Yeah. No - couple stuff."  
  
"What, like this?"  
  
Kai grinned as they kissed again.  
  
"To class," Yamagata said sternly, marching towards the door.  
  
"Spoilsport," Kai muttered, following him.  
  
***  
  
As the day faded into evening, Yamagata dragged his bike into his room, and sat wrenching at it, trying to discover what its problem was. But soon he stopped working, and sat, staring absently at the damp patches on the ceiling, while his thoughts flew dizzily through his head.  
  
I did it. I did it. I did it.  
  
I'm going out with Kai.  
  
He felt so - strange - happy, yeah, he'd never thought that this could happen but now it had it - it was so different. All those girls, that hadn't been much, that had just been some dumb bimbo who let you kiss her and do stuff with her, and that was all. But Kai -  
  
He actually cared about Kai, he actually wanted to make him happy -  
  
This was weird. Maybe those dumb stupid love ballads had a point.  
  
And yet.  
  
As long as it was secret still. He was fine with kissing Kai in private, but if the other guys even had the tiniest idea -  
  
His stomach clenched painfully, and he shivered, and one hand touched that scar, felt it grin beneath his clothes. No way. No way in hell would anyone else ever find out.  
  
After school they could've met up, but Yamagata had been feeling like he needed some time alone to get used to this, and he thought Kai might've been too - whatever, they'd both headed home alone. Now most of him was missing Kai, most of him wanted him back, wanted him in here to hold and kiss and -stuff -  
  
But a small part of him was glad, because a small part of him could pretend it wasn't really happening.  
  
That night he dreamt of falling into dark, and hearing his father yell at him again - and the fear - and then Kai, crying out, and Yamagata struggled against the dark to find him, to help him - and the crying and the shouting screamed in his ears - and someone laughed at his terror - but then he woke up, and this time, because he'd made a decision, because he knew he did like Kai and he wasn't, wasn't scared, this time, he could go back to sleep again, and ignore the fear.  
  
And then, the next morning, he got up, and started working on his bike again, and this time he found out what had happened to it.  
  
***  
  
Kai sat, his elbows resting on the windowsill, and stared out at the milky sunrise. He'd been up early, hadn't been able to stay asleep. The thoughts blazing in his brain were too strong for that.  
  
He likes me. He likes me and we're going out.  
  
Yet another grin broke over his face. He'd smiled more in the past twenty- four hours than he'd smiled so far in his whole life, or so it felt.  
  
He let me kiss him and he likes me and everything rules!  
  
Well, almost everything.  
  
He'd been trying not to think of what he'd done to Yamagata's bike. Because when he did, he felt all squirmy and nervous. And it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it. And he preferred to smile.  
  
Yamagata would never find out. Never know what Kai had tried to do to him -  
  
I didn't want to kill you, I swear it.  
  
But it was all okay. They were both alive and they were together.  
  
There was no need to worry. The secret wasn't that big.  
  
Yes it is.  
  
It just - hung on his back, that was all, lurked behind his shoulder. But as long as it stayed there, he'd be fine. Of course he'd be fine! He finally had someone to, to be with - someone who liked him liked him - even having to keep all of this a secret wouldn't be too bad. They could still meet up. They could still kiss and stuff. He couldn't see why Yamagata was so edgy about not telling, but it wasn't a problem or nothing.  
  
He got to his feet, brushed the floor dust off his pyjamas, and started to search for clothes, humming some old love song under his breath. He didn't realise he was actually singing it, loudly, and substituting all the 'she's' for 'he's', until the guy in the next room started banging on the wall and cursing him to hell. The sun bathed the street in creamy yellow as he waited outside the dorm building, and he squinted up at the blue sky, cool and fresh behind the Neo- Tokyo skyline, and started humming again.  
  
"Kai, just cos you got me to admit summat yesterday don't mean you got to lose your taste in music."  
  
Kai jumped as Yamagata tapped the back of his neck. "So I'm happy. That so bad?"  
  
"It is when it involves stupid love songs." Yamagata walked round to stand beside him.  
  
"Where's your bike, anyway?" Kai asked, and as he said it, the worry drummed its fingers on his stomach again. "Thought you were gonna check it over last night."  
  
"I did."  
  
"And?"  
  
They began to walk down the street together.  
  
"I found something funny."  
  
"What, gerbil in the gears?"  
  
"No. Snapped brake leads."  
  
Kai tried to act properly surprised. "Oh. Um, that's weird. How d'you think it happened?"  
  
Yamagata shrugged. "I don't know. It was a pretty ragged break - maybe - I don't know. I should've taken better care of the bike."  
  
"You take good care of it, you know that."  
  
"Oh, yeah, and then I nearly kill us both." Yamagata was frowning. "I'd've felt bad enough about that if we weren't - you know."  
  
"Going out. You can say it."  
  
"Yeah, well, as it is, we are, and - and that's great, but it wouldn't have been if you'd had your skull smashed in."  
  
"Look, don't worry about it, okay? I don't care any more. You shouldn't either. Just get some new brake leads, and then forget about it." Please forget about it.  
  
Yamagata sighed, took Kai's hand, and then dropped it as though it burnt when a voice tore through the summer air behind them.  
  
"Yamagata! Kai!"  
  
Kaneda skidded to a halt next to them, his bike sparkling in the sun. "What are you both doing walking? Don't tell me the Clowns got your bike too, Yamagata."  
  
Yamagata explained what had happened the night before last. Edited highlights, anyway.  
  
"Your brake leads were cut?" Kaneda said. "Hmm - were the Clowns around, Kai?"  
  
"I - um - dunno." Damn, he should have sorted out a story. "Yeah, they were - they chased us later on. Could've cut the brake leads, couldn't they, Yamagata?"  
  
"I suppose - I didn't see 'em, though."  
  
"Yeah, well, you were busy."  
  
Kaneda sniggered. "He looked pretty busy when we left. Suki worked you off your feet, did she?"  
  
"Um -" Yamagata let his eyes wander up to the sky, then down to the newspapers flitting along the pavement. "Something like that."  
  
"Sure, I get it. I'll see you in school, 'kay?"  
  
He revved up and vanished into the distance.  
  
"I feel so disabled," Kai muttered, staring after him.  
  
"Hey, we'll get both our bikes back. Let's get to school. And remember -"  
  
"I know. No couple stuff." Kai put on an innocent face as Yamagata narrowed his eyes at him. "What, don't you trust me?"  
  
"Trust you? Hah, I'd have to be crazy."  
  
***  
  
"And it can be seen that if the parallel lines are equal -"  
  
Kai tried to raise his head up from the desk in front of him. It wasn't easy. They were obviously stuffing too much knowledge into his brain and making it too heavy to lift.  
  
The classroom was baking hot. Long squares of sunlight lay stretched across the floor, dust particles floating above them, and the heat got into your throat and you couldn't stop yawning. Kai ran a finger over the rude words carved into the desk, but he'd already read them three times and there was a limit to how interesting they could be.  
  
"However, one can also look at the second method. If you study these calculations -"  
  
Mr Tamura never actually seemed to care if anyone was listening. One day, Kai decided, he'd have to get everyone to skip out from his class, and see if the teacher even noticed.  
  
On his right, Kaneda was busily engaged in some calculations on a piece of file paper. Kai was prepared to bet that they weren't anything to do with parallel lines, especially as the words 'bike', 'customise', and 'twin motor alloy wheels' cropped up a lot. Next to Kaneda, Tetsuo was slowly sliding down in his seat like a melting ice cream, his head ever closer to sinking below the level of the desk.  
  
Kai glanced at his watch. Still forty-five minutes to go. When you thought about it, forty-five wasn't actually a very big number, but these minutes had swelled and swelled until each one was like ten miles long, and then forty-five was a very big number indeed.  
  
Yamagata was sitting on his left, and he was trying not to notice him. Really trying. But it was kind of hard, because part of his mind was saying who'd actually notice or care if you just, like, did stuff? Everyone's asleep anyway.  
  
And, like, doing stuff would be so fun. He was sitting right next to the guy, I mean, come on, did they expect him to be a saint? He could smell Yamagata's skin, he wanted to press himself against it, get close -  
  
Besides, if he didn't do something, his brain was going to dry up and dissolve into dust and spill out of his ears.  
  
Distraction. Just focus on something.  
  
I'm so bored I feel like a dead fish, he wrote at the top of his paper.  
  
He pushed it to one side, deciding to write down more words if and when they occurred to him.  
  
Someone wrote down something on his paper, and pushed it back to him.  
  
Well, u sure don't look like 1.  
  
Kai felt a grin spread over his face. He glanced at Yamagata, who was leaning back, hands behind head, studying the light fittings.  
  
I guess that's a compliment.  
  
Yes. I'm so bored I feel like my head's gonna Xplode.  
  
Kai glanced at him again, felt his smile sharpen, and wrote, don't u just wish we were outside someplace alone?  
  
As Yamagata read that sentence, his eyes narrowed, and he wrote back, U promiss said u'd not tell.  
  
Just think of it, Kai scribbled. The sun - the peace + quiet - we could do anything we wanted  
  
He did think of it, and sighed. Yamagata snatched the pen out of his hand.  
  
Yr being a bad innflu infloo enflue yr being annoying  
  
Yes, so what r u gonna do about it?  
  
Yamagata yawned, and stretched, and let his hand brush down the back of Kai's neck. Then he took the paper, and wrote, That.  
  
Oh, yeah well I'm gonna do this.  
  
Kai shifted position, making like the sun was in his eyes, until he was leaning against Yamagata, who tensed, grabbed paper and pen, and wrote, U will die for this Kaisuke  
  
Is that sposed to upset me? I'm pretty happy where I am  
  
He let one hand curl itself around Yamagata's shoulders, and wrote See?  
  
Yamagata froze, and then scribbled, Quit it  
  
Or r u scared? Kai answered.  
  
No way am I scared!  
  
Prove it  
  
Yamagata wrote THIS MEANS WAR, and turned his head towards Kai, gripped his arms hard enough to hurt, and their lips were just about to meet when -  
  
"What are you guys doing?"  
  
Kai jumped. His knees hit the desk, making it wobble, and sending pen, paper, and textbook onto the head of the boy in front of him. The resulting confusion and violence for the next fifteen minutes meant that Kaneda didn't get a chance to ask his question again until the class had resettled, and Yamagata and Kai were sitting with the correct distance of about five inches between them, both looking innocent.  
  
"Doing?" Kai said. "How d'you mean?"  
  
"You were, like, lying on him."  
  
"I was practically asleep. It's all right for you, you got something to think about. What are you thinking about?"  
  
"Oh. Well, I was figuring if I get hold of one of these -"  
  
One thing you could always rely on, with Kaneda, Kai thought. Get him on the subject of his bike, and he could talk for hours. Even if he did remember what he'd seen, he'd think it unimportant compared to wheels, speedometers, and new coats of red paint.  
  
"You're pushing it," Yamagata muttered as they walked down the corridor after class.  
  
"You started it."  
  
"I did not."  
  
"Okay, you encouraged it," Kai said.  
  
"Kai!"  
  
Kai stopped in the middle of the corridor.  
  
"Look," he said, "don't worry. I won't do anything really obvious, okay? I don't want to get dirt thrown in my face either."  
  
"Why'd that happen?" Tetsuo said, coming up behind them.  
  
"Um - uh - people're gonna laugh at us cos we've both lost our bikes," Yamagata said.  
  
"They are?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
Tetsuo frowned. "Oh, okay. Have you tried -"  
  
"Hey, you should get to class," Kai broke in. "What is it now, business studies? Man, you don't wanna miss that. I know I don't. Come on, Yamagata."  
  
***  
  
Tetsuo watched them as they dashed down the corridor, and bit his lip. Okay, so they didn't want to talk to him. Fine. It wasn't like he cared or anything.  
  
Why don't they ever take me seriously? Why don't they ever look up to me like they do to Kaneda? He's just a show-off anyway. He just knows how to boss people around.  
  
He tried to block out these boiling, angry thoughts. This was stupid. Kaneda and the others, they were his friends. He was lucky Kaneda still hung out with him now there were so many other people wanting attention.  
  
Yeah. He was lucky. He had friends and they liked him. And that was how it was. He forced himself to smile, and tried to ignore the sour rage filling his throat.  
  
***  
  
School dragged itself to its tired, sulky conclusion, and finally ended with a whimper in general studies class.  
  
"Class dismissed," the teacher called, and everyone leapt to their feet to try and get rid of the pins and needles.  
  
"Let's move," Kaneda called to the gang. "Get out of here before we fossilise."  
  
As people hurried past them, he turned to Yamagata and Kai. "What about you two? Coming?"  
  
Yamagata shook his head. "I can fix my bike this afternoon. I'll go home and do that."  
  
"Kai?"  
  
"Uh - I'll go with him. Tell him the important bits, like how many wheels it's supposed to have."  
  
Kaneda grinned. "Sure. See you tomorrow or something, then."  
  
"Now we go," Yamagata hissed, grabbed Kai's arm and dragged him out of the classroom.  
  
"Hey, don't look so desperate. People might think we're up to something."  
  
"We're not up to anything. We just want to go home and do bike stuff."  
  
"Sure we do."  
  
They were outside now, hurrying along the street.  
  
"So, that was Day One," Kai said. "And it wasn't too bad."  
  
"Yeah, but it's like, the first day of - well, at least seven more."  
  
"You see this lasting for a week? Wow, I'm flattered."  
  
"I -"  
  
"Yamagata, wait up!"  
  
Yamagata froze as they heard the clatter of high heels. Then Suki threw her arms round his neck. Kai wondered if the girl's mother had had an affair with an exceptionally cutesy chimpanzee.  
  
"Uh, hi." Yamagata disentangled himself. "Um, good to see you again, Suki."  
  
"Is that how you greet me normally, stupid?" She giggled, and then pouted at him.  
  
"I thought you wanted me to go slower." Yamagata gazed down at his feet, kicked at the kerb. Kai felt himself tensing. If she made Yamagata go off with her -  
  
(What, you're scared he still likes her underneath?)  
  
No.  
  
(Liar.)  
  
Suki giggled. "Yeah, well, you know - so, come on. Let's go someplace."  
  
"Can't." Yamagata indicated Kai. "Got to go do stuff. Bike stuff."  
  
"Yeah," Kai said, glaring up at her. "And it's going to be really dirty."  
  
Ignoring Yamagata's muffled snigger, he continued, "And oily. And boring."  
  
Suki rolled her eyes. "Okay, I get it. You don't want me around, short stuff. Fine. Yama-kun, can we meet up later?"  
  
"Nah, I'm busy tonight."  
  
"Well, okay. Look, I've got to go, but call me, okay?"  
  
She rushed away, yelling, "Hiroko, wait up!"  
  
Kai gave Yamagata a look. " 'Yama-kun'?"  
  
"So she has a nickname for me. Is that so bad?"  
  
Kai shrugged. "I don't have a nickname."  
  
"I call you Kai, you moron!"  
  
"Everyone calls me Kai. It doesn't count -"  
  
Slowly, they made their way back to Yamagata's house, up the stairs, feet clattering on peeling, scratched linoleum, and up to the doorway of his room.  
  
"No one'll be watching us now," Yamagata said.  
  
"Cool."  
  
Yamagata opened the door, and they walked inside, and then as he kicked the door shut, grabbed Kai's shoulders, and kissed him, kissed him over and over again, and Kai wrapped his arms round Yamagata and kissed back as they swayed in the thick, humid air.  
  
"You're driving me crazy," Yamagata said at last. "This whole thing is a bad idea. Something's bound to go wrong."  
  
"No, it isn't. You like it - don't you?"  
  
"Yeah, but - oh, forget it -"  
  
And Yamagata kissed him again, and it was almost angry, like those ones he'd given the day before. But that didn't matter, Kai was happy enough being able to do this at all. It was scary-good, pulses of it bursting inside him and sending goose bumps down his skin. Why hadn't he started earlier? He'd wasted far too much of his life just existing. Not being here, doing this now -  
  
He opened his eyes briefly - and saw Yamagata's bike, watching him from the corner. It made him jump.  
  
"Yamagata," he said, "what's your bike doing in here?"  
  
"I was trying to fix it, wasn't I?"  
  
"I don't even want to know how you got it up the stairs -"  
  
"Same old logical Kai," Yamagata said, and kissed him again, but this time Kai couldn't relax into it, because the bike was still there, behind his eyelids, and it knew what he'd done to it.  
  
He tried to silence his thoughts. Kissed back harder, let his hands reach up under Yamagata's T-shirt to touch the warm skin beneath.  
  
They stumbled back, fell onto the bed, and somehow lying down made it even better - no, not better, but different - you didn't have to concentrate on standing up -  
  
His shirt was half-undone now, and the warm air on his skin - and Yamagata touching him, now that was good - funny, you wouldn't think you could be that sensitive on your chest, maybe it was cos most people didn't touch you there. So close, though. So warm, and these lovely feelings washing over him -  
  
"Kai - Kai, cool it."  
  
Yamagata sat up, and pulled down his T-shirt.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"We still got at least seven days, remember?" Yamagata swallowed, and stared down at the bed, picking at the frayed edges of the sheet. "Don't let's do everything now."  
  
"Spoilsport," Kai said, and he was only half-joking.  
  
"Besides, I do actually have to do something with my bike."  
  
"Mm." Kai wasn't sure he liked Yamagata's bike much any more. "Like what exactly?"  
  
"Like fix those damn brake leads and find out who cut 'em in the first place."  
  
Oh shit. Kai stared up at the ceiling as Yamagata knelt down by the bike.  
  
"Someone definitely cut 'em?" he said. "They didn't snap?"  
  
"No, they didn't. Trust me."  
  
"Well - who'd do a thing like that?"  
  
Yamagata shrugged. "The Clowns. Some random passer-by. A cop who was bored. I dunno, but if I find out I'll pulp 'em."  
  
"You - don't want to just let it go, then?"  
  
"Kai, they mucked around with my bike," Yamagata said. "And they hurt you as well. They went way too far."  
  
Yeah. That was it, wasn't it? Mucking around with someone's bike was low. Smashing it up - like the Clowns had probably done with his - that was bad, but it wasn't sneaky. But someone doing stuff so you'd have an accident - someone sneaking around, fiddling with it - someone who was supposed to be your friend - someone who was more than your friend -  
  
He was suddenly very glad he'd taken the knife out of his pocket. Last night, when he'd got back, and been feeling all floaty and bubbly and happy, he'd glanced at the knife and thought I don't need it any more - and hadn't let it remind him of what he'd actually done.  
  
He probably should keep it, you never knew what you might run into - but it would be evidence. It would sit and burn in his pocket.  
  
"Well - well, how're you supposed to find out who did it?" he asked. "If it was a cop or a bystander you'll never trace 'em, and we attack the Clowns enough anyway."  
  
Yamagata shrugged. "I dunno. I just want revenge, you know? Just want to show 'em you don't mess with my bike."  
  
Kai sighed, and wished he could stop the cold oozy feeling in his stomach.  
  
He won't find out. Don't worry.  
  
But what if he does? He'll - he'll hate me -  
  
Maybe he should just tell him now, before things went any further.  
  
"Yamagata -"  
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry." Yamagata looked up at him. "I guess you're kinda bored, huh?"  
  
"No, I just -"  
  
Then they were kissing again, the smell of oil, and he wasn't exactly going to break off the kiss just for one stupid little confession. And when they did stop, and Yamagata said, "So - uh - what did you want to say?" he was feeling too happy, and had forgotten why it would be a good idea to tell anyway, so he just shrugged and said, "Oh, nothing." 


	4. You Could Have Killed Him

Chapter Four – You Could Have Killed Him

(All characters are © Katsuhiro Otomo, except Suki.  Please r+r!)

The night was hot, the sky rolling with thick, city-glowing clouds.  Kai lay half-wrapped in a single sheet, dreams racing behind his eyelids.

            Afterwards, he remembered it as more like two dreams going on at once.  One dream was a pretty normal one (as far as dreams ever were normal.)  He was riding along a blazing orange road, trying to race Suki to school.  She was on Yamagata's bike, giggling like crazy, waving at him and sticking out her tongue, and wearing his T-shirt, her breasts distorting the rising sun symbol.

            The other dream…well, it was like he was listening in on a conversation.  A conversation that meant nothing to him.  At first it was faint, like listening to sounds under water, but then it got clearer, as if his brain was tuning into the right mental radio station.

            "The Colonel'll be mad if he catches us…"

            "We've got a good reason…"

            Suki put a finger up at him, and turned the corner.  He tried to ride faster, catch up with her – but of course, he hadn't got his bike, had he?  He was running, and he was falling behind, and his feet were sending up great clouds of dust which made it too hard to see.

            "The others didn't listen.  If we can only get this boy to, then…maybe we can stop it…"

            Odd, childlike voices…but so serious.  Too serious for children.

            He reached the corner, ran towards Suki.  She was still giggling, painting oily streaks over her face, putting it on her lips and eyes like it was makeup.

            "Why will he listen?…He doesn't know anything about it…"

            "Yes, but if he doesn't listen, his friend'll die…"

            "They're more than friends, you know that.  We saw them kissing."

            Kai jumped.  Who'd seen them?  They had to keep it a secret, didn't they?

            "Who are you?" he called.  "When did you see me?"

            He was standing in one of the classrooms now, at the highest row of chairs, and it was all so far below him, and all so empty.  Where was everyone?  He'd come in on the wrong day.  The wind howled through the vacant classrooms, rattling the windows, and over them the voices still spoke.

            "You've got to do something."  They were talking to _him _now, he could feel it.

            "About what?"

            The school walls started to crumble.  Light was tearing through them, curved light like the surface of a bubble, whisking away plaster and skirting board and desks, and it hummed towards him, and he started to run. 

            There were at least two voices there, maybe three.  "Akira…Akira will rise…people will die…your friend…he's dangerous…they'll die…Akira…your boyfriend will die…"

            "No!"  These voices knew what was happening, they told the truth, now they'd said it Yamagata _would _die, he could feel it.  "No, take it back, I won't let him!"

            And around him the city crumbled…the roads split like dry earth, the skyscrapers sank suddenly as their moorings gave out, and the sea oozed over it all and covered his feet.

            "We can't…your friend…Akira…you've got to…"

            "What?  What have I got to do?"

            "It's no good…"  This voice might have been female.  "I can't see a way…he can't alter his future…and he can't alter anyone else's…"

            "But, Kiyoko…"

            "He's going to be hurt…"  And the voice sounded very small and sad suddenly.  "He's going to be hurt and none of us can stop it, he can't, none of them can.  He'll be hurt.  Then – then the other boy, he'll become one of our number…and then…Akira…"

            "What are you talking about?" Kai yelled up to the dark, starry sky.  It was raining, and he was cold, so cold…drowning in ice and water…  "Who's Akira?  Who are you?  What do you mean, number?  How am I going to be hurt?"

            "I'm sorry…" the girl-voice whispered.  "I'm sorry…"

            And then one of the others just said, "Akira."

            And then suddenly he wasn't standing in a rainy night, he was lying down, he was lying tangled in a sheet, and the sun was just beginning to make a square on the ceiling, and in the next room, someone was playing rock music, and someone else was banging on the wall and telling them to shut it.

            He shook his head to get rid of the dream.  Whoever Akira was, he wasn't important.  

            Nasty, grisly premonitions, though.  You're screwed up, he told himself, climbing out of bed.  No one's gonna die, no one's gonna get hurt.  Well, not more than usual.  

            The sky was grey, and the air was hot and dry.  He figured there was going to be a thunderstorm soon, and sighed.  He didn't like storms.  They always made him feel gloomy.  Like something awful was going to happen any moment.

            "Let's goooooo!"

            He looked round, and saw two bikes, one red, one blue, hurtling down the street.  Both screeched to a halt in front of him.

            "Come on!" Kaneda called.  

            "I'll take you," Yamagata said, and grinned.  Kai climbed onto the back of his motorbike, and they set off.

            "So you fixed it?" he yelled over the roaring of the engine.

            "Yup.  You don't need to worry."

            "I am not worried."

            "Glad to hear it," Yamagata said as they charged round a corner.  

            _Your boyfriend will die…_

No.  Yamagata was alive, now, he was sitting in front of him, he was warm, he was breathing hard as they twisted and turned, and – come on, you couldn't imagine him as anything else.  They wouldn't die.  None of them would die.  

_            Going to be hurt… _

            Well, so what?  Kai shrugged.  He'd been hurt before, a bunch of times before, Mr Takaba, Clowns, various incidents involving bikes.  It didn't bother him.

            He let go of the dream, hoped it would blow out of his head and up into the fluff-coloured sky.

            "Hey, Yamagata, how fast can that thing go with two people on it?" Kaneda called.

            "Fast enough."

            "Let's prove it.  Race you to the parking lot!"

            "Eat my dust!"

            Kai clung on as the bike gathered speed, drew closer and closer to Kaneda – but not close enough.

            "Damn it…"  Yamagata sounded like he was gritting his teeth.  "Kaneda, you're not gonna get away with this!  Once Kai's got his bike back, we'll kick your ass!"

            "I'll believe it when I see it!"

            And there, battered, graffiti'd and grubby, was the school.  Yamagata put on a burst of speed, drew level with Kaneda for a moment – Kaneda accelerated – and there was the parking lot – Yamagata slammed on the brakes, Kai tried not to think of the last time he'd done that – they screamed to a halt –

            Kaneda and his bike sailed past them, and through the plate-glass window of the sports hall.

            "Kaneda!"  Kai leapt off the bike and ran over to the smashed window.

            "You okay, man?" Yamagata called.

            They both squinted into the shady hall.  Kaneda was standing by his bike, shaking specks of glass out of his hair.  They glittered as they fell to the floor.

            "I'm fine," he said.  "And I won."

            "You did not!" Yamagata yelled.  "It was a race to the parking lot!"

            "And I'm several metres _past _the parking lot."

            "You're a smartass jerk is what you are."

            "No, I'm just –"

            _"Shotaro Kaneda!  What on earth are you doing?"_

Kaneda turned slowly, to see Mr Takaba and a group of first year gym students at the door.

            "Uh…Mr Takaba, sir," he said, putting his I'm-not-only-innocent-but-wonderful smile on.  "What a surprise!"

            (A/N: Paraphrased from the Recess movie ^_^)

            Mr Takaba's eyes narrowed.

            "You two," he snarled at Yamagata and Kai.  "Get in here."

            "But we didn't –"

            _"NOW!"_

Reluctantly, Kai followed Yamagata past the wrecked window down to the door into the sports hall.

            "Right," Mr Takaba said.  "You three – to the principal's office.  _You –" _He turned to the first years.  "Get rid of this broken glass."

            "But sir –" one foolish boy said.

            _"Tanaka, if you don't want to be doing bare-knuckle press-ups for the next two hours, you will clean up the glass NOW!"_

"Yes sir!"

            The first years crowded into the hall, and Mr Takaba turned back to the three bikers.

            "Come on," he said.

            "I'll just deal with my bike –" Kaneda said.

            "Now."

            "But my bike –"

            _"Now."_

Kaneda scowled, muttered something unpleasant, and he, Yamagata and Kai followed Mr Takaba out of the hall.

            "Oh, this is gonna be a real good start to the day," Kai muttered.  "Thanks a bunch, Kaneda."

            "Ah, come on, guys, it wasn't totally my fault."

            "It was _all _your fault," Yamagata said.

            "Yeah, well, I'm gonna suffer too, aren't I?  He's left my bike with a crowd of psychotic first years."

            "They didn't look that psychotic to me."

            _"All _first years are psychotic.  Remember how we were?"

            "Point," Kai said.  

            Yamagata started humming the 'Jaws' theme as they reached the headmaster's office, and this reduced all three of them to sniggers.

"I'm sure you realise the seriousness of what you have done," said the vice-principal.

            "Oh, yeah, sure I do."  Kaneda put on his truly-sorry-seeing-error-of-ways face.

            _"We _don't," Yamagata muttered.  "We haven't even done anything, you dumb old goat."

            The vice-principal didn't appear to hear this.  "Therefore you will understand why we are forced to punish you."

            "Nope, not getting it, sorry," Kai said.

            "Silence!" Mr Takaba roared.  He stepped forward, and raised his hand.  Kai, who was first in line this time, gritted his teeth –

            "Discipline!"

            _Smack._

Ow.  Kai let himself fall heavily onto the carpet, and listened to the gym teacher above him.  That's me getting hurt, then, he thought.

            "Discipline!"

            _Thud._

"Disci –"

            Kai blinked, and looked up.

            Yamagata had been the last in line, and he'd been hit, sure, there was a bruise swelling on his face, but his fists were clenched, and – Mr Takaba stood there, clutching his jaw.

            _Wow, he hit Mr Takaba?  Isn't there like a law against that?_

"Uh-oh," Kaneda muttered next to him.

            For a moment Mr Takaba seemed to freeze, like a glacier – then, slowly, his expression transformed from puzzled pain, to thoughtful pain, to unmitigated fury – and then he charged.

            Yamagata flew back and hit the (mercifully empty) trophy cupboard.  Before he could stand, Mr Takaba hauled him to his feet by his shirt, and hit him again – and again –

            "We gotta do something," Kai hissed to Kaneda.  "Otherwise he'll kill him!"

            _Your boyfriend's going to die…_

            Kaneda nodded and got to his feet.

            "Uh, sir?" he said to the vice-principal.  "I so totally understand the error of my ways now, but I'd really like my friend to, you know, survive.  Otherwise I might go crazy with grief and start destroying things."

            The principal glanced up from polishing his glasses.  "What?  Oh – yes – Mr Takaba, I think you proved your point."

            Mr Takaba let go of Yamagata, who collapsed onto the floor, spat blood onto the carpet and raised a finger in the gym teacher's direction.

            "Thank you very much, sir!" Kaneda gabbled, grabbed Yamagata's arm and hauled him to his feet.  "We'll be off to class now, come on, Kai –"

            Kai grabbed Yamagata's other arm, and they helped him out of the office and down the stairs.

            "Yamagata?" Kaneda said.  "Um – are you alive in there?"

            Yamagata rubbed some blood off his face.  "Uh…yeah, yeah, I think so."

            "Good.  _Why the hell did you do that?  _I mean, I'm not saying it wasn't cool, but you know, if you want to attack Jaws, at least tell the rest of us, then we can all get together and kill him."

            "Mmm…well…y'know, it was a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing…"  Yamagata spat a tooth into his palm.  "Ooh…third one this year."

            "Look," Kaneda said, "I gotta go find my bike.  Kai, can you take care of him and knock some sense into his big fat head?"

            "No problem."

            Kaneda breathed a sigh of relief, and dashed off down the corridor.  Kai waited until he'd vanished round the corner before grabbing Yamagata's hand and saying, "Are you all right?"

            "Kai, I'm…I'm fine.  I just need to wash the blood off, and then, you know…"

            They walked down the next flight of stairs.  Kai was surprised to find that he was trembling.

            "Why did you do it?" he asked.  "Come on, you can't be _that _pissed.  So Jaws booked us for being innocent bystanders.  It's happened like loads of times before."

            Yamagata shrugged.  As they reached the bathrooms, he stumbled inside, and leant over a sink.  Spots of blood started to dot their way across the grimy porcelain.

            "Well?" Kai demanded, glaring at him through the shady, smelly air.

            Yamagata glanced round to check there was no one else in there, then said, "I just…got mad at him.  I just…when I saw him hitting you."

            "He's hit me loads of times before."  Kai blinked as light spots started to flower at the back of his eyes.  Even the sun couldn't get into the darkest corners of this school.  It was still hot though.  His clothes hung on him heavy and baking as greasy pancakes.

            "Yeah, but…I don't know, now it was…different."  Yamagata turned on the tap, splashed cold water over his face.  More blood oozed down the sink.  "I just…you know."

            "You say that way too much."  Kai could hear his voice getting sharper, but the sight of the blood and the bruises were making him angry.  "You didn't need to damn well do that and you know it!"

            Yamagata just shrugged, and rubbed his face.  "Well, I wanted to, and I'm glad I did.  He didn't need to book you in the first place, and he didn't need to hit you."  As Kai tried to speak, he said, "Yeah, I know.  But it's different now."

            Kai stared up at him, and suddenly he could see.  It _was _different.  Friends, you just put up with them getting knocked around if there was nothing you could do about it, and then you commiserated afterwards and helped them pick up their teeth.  But now…whatever they were now, boyfriend and boyfriend or something…you wanted it to stop.  You wanted them to be safe.           The feelings were very new, and made him jump inside like you would if you sipped too-hot soup.

            You wanted to make them safe, hold them, stop them hurting, always stop them hurting.

            This was different.  He'd never felt like this about someone before, so mixed-up and angry and sorry and worried.  Those sappy songs never sang about these sorts of feelings.  

            You wanted to stop them hurting.

            _Like I managed to do that._

            "I'm sorry," he said.  "I'm so sorry…"

            "Don't be.  Like I said, I chose to do it, didn't I?"  Yamagata grinned, and winced.  "You know, I hate to say this, but kissing might be a problem for the rest of today –"

            "Ah, _shit!"_ __

Yamagata hugged him.  "Don't worry, let's check…shouldn't be anyone coming in here…"

            As their lips met, Kai could taste the blood, but he kissed nevertheless, and then stood, resting against Yamagata's chest, and decided he liked being shorter than his boyfriend.  If you could lean your head against someone's chest, you could feel the ripple of their breathing.

            _Feel that they're alive._

He put that thought out of his head, and glanced over at their reflections in the dingy yellowed mirror.  

            "Hey, look at us," he said.  "We look like a couple."

            Yamagata glanced at them too, and then looked away.

            "We'd better get going," Kai said at last.  "You know – school?  Not to mention someone'll come in here sooner or later –"

            "Yeah, but they haven't come yet."

            They'd just started kissing again when there were running footsteps.  The door burst open, and they jumped away from each other.

            Tetsuo stood in the doorway.  He frowned at them, and Kai wondered if they looked guilty.

            "There you are," he said.  "Kaneda thought you'd be here.  We were coming to see if you were okay."

            "We're fine," Yamagata said shortly, splashing some more water over his face to remove the last of the blood.             

            Tetsuo glanced from him to Kai, then frowned.  "Hey, Kai, you got some blood on you too.  Didn't Jaws just black your eye?"

            "Um – no – bit my tongue – something like that."  Note to self, Kai thought as he spat on his fingers to rub it off.  Kissing beaten-up boyfriend leads to bloodstains.  Idiot, idiot…

            "How come you did it, anyway?" Tetsuo asked Yamagata.  "I thought you weren't bothered about them beating on you."

            "Well, I got sick of it."

            "But –"            

            "Look, Tetsuo, just quit quizzing me, okay?"  Yamagata straightened up from the sink, and pushed past the other boy.  "Just cos you ain't got the balls to stand up to Jaws doesn't mean nobody else hasn't."

            Tetsuo slumped back against the door, and his hands curled into fists.  

            "I just asked," he called as Yamagata walked out of the bathroom.

            Kai followed, trying not to meet Tetsuo's eyes.  That guy might notice something else.

            "Yamagata?" a girl's voice said.  

            Yamagata stopped in the doorway, and Kai nearly walked into him.

            "Oh, it's you," he said.

            "Yeah," the girl replied.  "I – shit, what happened to your face?"

            "Nothing.  Look, Suki, what do you want?"

            "I just thought we could…you know.  You wanna come for a drink with me?"

            "No.  I've got classes."

            "Since when did you ever care about classes?" she snapped.

            "Since now.  Maybe my burning desire to study and learn a vocation's got a bit more burning lately."

            "Fine," Suki snapped.  "All right, _go _to your stupid classes."

            "What's with you?" Kai asked him as they walked down the corridor.

            "Nothing.  This is all getting too close.  I should've been more careful.  Thought up an excuse."

            "Don't worry.  They won't guess."

            "Yeah, you're right."  Yamagata reached out to Kai as though to hug him, then stopped, took a deep breath, and said, "Let's go."

_Why the hell did I do it?_

Yamagata swallowed, and absent-mindedly licked at the split across his lip.  Maybe he'd be able to figure it all out better if he didn't ache so much.  

            Not that Jaws didn't deserve it, not that he hadn't always deserved it, but why now?  Kaneda was right, you didn't just decide to do summat like that and hope it would all work out okay.  

            But when he'd looked round and seen Kai collapsing onto the floor, it had – it had hurt, really bad, and he'd just been so _angry…_

But he'd seen Kai getting hit loads of times before.

            But it was different now.  He couldn't feel like a normal person.  It was all different – that guy in the mirror, hugging another guy, that hadn't been him…and yet of course it had.  His feelings had gone crazy.  Thinking of Kai made him feel all kind of warm…and yet excited…and like he just wanted to hang around him forever, and…and…he'd just had to do something, the feelings had made him.  He'd not expected that.  He'd never needed to do stuff like that for his girlfriends.  Where had all these feelings come from?

            And why was it getting so hard to hide them?

            It was like he'd been swept up in a flood and the water was so strong he couldn't even fight against it, he just had to concentrate on surviving and not giving up completely and sinking down into darkness.  

            The darkness being what it'd be like if anyone else found out about this.  And it _would be darkness, he was sure of it, just like in his dreams.  Scorn.  And laughter.  And being hurt as bad as when it happened before…_

            The scar flicked against his skin.

            _Damn you Kai, why'd you have to make me feel like this?_

The rage didn't make the other feelings go away.  It was like they were in a different part of his brain, a part he couldn't reach.  They'd go on glowing whatever happened, even when he was dead they'd still be there, they'd cut his head open and find this strange light…

            Okay, getting too weird.  He let himself remember more instead.

            _You wanna come for a drink with me?_

            Suki leaping on him had reminded him of how little he wanted to be with her now.  Yeah.  He wouldn't stand up to stop _her getting her face smashed in.  _

            But he would stand up for Kai.

            Well, so?  So what if Kai mattered to him?  Kai was his friend anyway.  They were just…friends who kissed.

            No.  No, that wasn't it.  They were something else.  Something stronger.

            But it didn't matter.  The others wouldn't figure it out anyway.

            Yeah.  Kai mattered to him and that was okay.  And Kai said he wouldn't tell.  And he could trust Kai.  He could trust Kai completely.

            "Hey, Yamagata?"

            He glanced down at Kai.  "What?"

            "Thanks.  You were an idiot, but – thanks."

            "Forget it."  But he was smiling again suddenly, despite the pain it caused.  

            The sun splashed gold over them a moment, and dust motes hung in the air.

"What is with him?"

            Suki kicked the wall, feeling tears sting her eyes like sand grains.  He didn't need to be so mean.  Just cos she_ asked _him some stuff.  

            Maybe he didn't like her because she'd told him to stop that one time.  

            So they're right, she thought, a sob bubbling up inside her head.  Boys really _do_ only want one thing.

            "What's with him?" someone said.  "Probably tense about his bike."

            Suki looked up, blinking away her tears, to see that weird kid Tetsuo leaning against the wall, watching her.  "What's wrong with his stupid bike?"

            Tetsuo shrugged.  "Someone cut the brake leads on it, that night we were down at the fountain.  He had a crash."

            "What – when you guys left me and him together?"

            "Uh-huh."  Tetsuo sighed.  "He wants revenge.  He and Kai are both really pissed about it."

            "Does he know who did it?"

            "No.  Kai didn't see anyone.  We think it's probably the Clowns."

            Suki shrugged.  "Why'd that make him hate me?"

            Tetsuo rolled his eyes.  "I don't know, do I?  I just thought you'd like to know – that's why he's mad.  Or maybe it's just he's a jerk in general."

            He pushed himself off the wall, and slunk away down the corridor.

            Suki scowled.  That excuse was all very well, but she couldn't see why Yamagata would blame her.  She hadn't had anything to do with his bike, she didn't know anything about it.  It was more likely to be one of his stupid friends thinking it was funny.

            Yeah.  All Yamagata's friends were stupid.  Kaneda was a stuck-up arrogant jerk, Tetsuo was just…weird, and as for that kid Kai –

            Suki glowered.  She stopped to pick some paint off the windowsill next to her, imagining she was digging her nails into Kai's eyes.  He was such a little _brat.  _Always acting like she had no right to even talk to Yamagata.  Acting like there was some big secret between them.  Always glaring at her, I mean, at that night by the fountain he'd even tried to hit her.  And then going and sulking down by the bikes, couldn't he just accept his friend had a girl?

            Wait.

            _Some big secret…sulking down by the bikes…more likely to be one of his stupid friends…_

Of course.  Of course!  Kai had sabotaged the bike!  He was so jealous of her he'd hoped _she'd _be riding home on it that night.  He'd tried to kill her.  What a freak!  What a nasty-minded, creepy little freak!  

            She chewed her lower lip, thinking.  She had to tell Yamagata this.  He had to know.  She didn't know where the guys would be now, but lunchtime was only three hours away.  They'd be hanging round in the parking lot, guarding their precious bikes; they always were.  She could talk to him there.

The sky was choppy and grey, and the washed-out sun poked through it like a torch beam.      

            Tetsuo was sitting off to the side, eyeing Kaneda's bike, which had survived its encounter with the first years and was now being lovingly polished by its owner.  Various other gang members were talking among themselves, Yamagata was sprawled across a low wall, gazing up at the sky, and Kai was trying not to look at him because it would be too tempting.

            It'd be so great if they could just _admit _it.  Just be like a normal couple.  Sit holding hands, or curled up with each other, or kiss in public if they wanted.  It would be so much _easier.  _He hated having secrets from the others, it was like living half in their world and half in his own, a darker, stranger world simply because no one else knew about it.  About Yamagata and him.  He didn't want their world to be like that.  He wanted it to link up with everyone else's and just – just be normal.

            And, of course, there was that even darker world that _nobody _else knew about.  The sabotage one.  The one with a guy in it who'd tried to murder someone, and not just any someone…

            That world could stay dark.  And then maybe it would shrivel up and die.

            But the other world, the Yamagata-and-him one…what was wrong with letting a little light into it?

            He glanced at Kaneda and Tetsuo and the others.  They could be cool about it.  Or they could…not.

            He wouldn't mind taking the risk, just to see.

            Yamagata did, though.

            But it would just be nice.

            The breeze flicked at his hair, rattled a crushed Coke can along the ground, in time with the high-heeled footsteps coming towards them.

            Oh, nuts.  Kai tried not to scowl as Suki came into view.

            "Yamagata!" she called, the breeze flicking her orange scarf round her body.  "Can I talk to you?"

            "Sure."            

            Kai focused on a cracked paving stone under his feet and tried to ignore her.

            "It's, um, it's about your bike," Suki said.

            She took a deep breath, twisted her necklace, and said, "I know who sabotaged it."

            Kai went icy cold for one moment, then fear started to jump out all over his body in hot, sweaty handfuls.  No.  No, she couldn't have.  She _couldn't _have…

            "Huh?"  Kai felt Yamagata sit up, frown at her.  "Who?  How'd you know anyway?"

            "I figured it out."

            "Well, who is it?"

            "Yeah," Kaneda said from his own bike.  "Tell us so we can go cream 'em."

            Kai could feel his heart, crushing and solid behind his ribs, choking him.  

            "It's Kai," Suki said.

            The thick, humid air was silent for a moment.

            Then Yamagata snorted.  "No way.  Come off it, Suki, you really think I'm gonna fall for that?"

            "It's the truth," Suki hissed.  "He never liked me, did he?  Remember how he nearly hit me?  He did it to hurt me.  He thought I'd be riding home with you.  He wanted me to die."

            Kai gripped one hand with the other to stop them trembling.  He wanted to run, or hit out, or cry like a little kid.  But he didn't know what to do.  Suddenly the light was being forced into the darkness, but it was too bright, it would burn him up…

            "That's – that's crazy," Yamagata said, but he sounded worried now.  "Kai wouldn't do a thing like that."

            "Why don't you ask him?" Suki said.

            "Because I don't need to.  Because I trust him, and I know he'd never do anything so scummy.  Because I think you're just saying this cos you want me to be like your _pet.  _Your kept boyfriend.  So I ain't asking him, and you can just piss off back to your slut friends."

            "You're not asking him because you're scared," Suki retorted at once.

            "You're a liar."

            "Ask him.  Go on.  Ask him.  Prove me wrong, you'd love that, wouldn't you?  You'd love to see me look stupid.  _Ask him."_

Yamagata was silent.  Kai kept his head down, kept looking at that paving stone, and digging the nails of one hand into the palm of the other.  He knew he must look guilty, but he couldn't think what he could do to make himself look innocent.  He couldn't think of anything to do at all.

            "Kai?" Kaneda said at last.  "You didn't do it, did you?"

            He looked up, met Kaneda's eyes.  Of course he could lie to him.  It would be easy.  Just say no and let Suki walk away, her relationship smashed.  Besides, it didn't _matter _any more.  He'd done it because he hated Suki for being Yamagata's girlfriend, but she wasn't, not any more.  It wasn't important, none of it was important…

            "Kai?"

            That wasn't Kaneda, it was Yamagata, and Kai did what he'd been desperately trying not to do; turned and looked at him, and as he did, he felt sick, because Yamagata had gone pale, and his eyes – his eyes were pleading – _say you didn't do it – say you didn't –_

_            Of course it's important…_

Kai wanted to start crying.  _I'm sorry, _he thought back.  _I'm so sorry…_

And the words spilled from his mouth.

            "Yeah.  Yeah, I did."

            There was a long, long silence.

            "Why?" Kaneda said, getting to his feet, and now rage was covering his voice like a coat of paint.  "Why the hell would you do something so dumb?"

            "Like she says," Kai said, trying to keep his voice flat, because it was threatening to tremble.  "I was jealous of her."

            "Jealous?" Kaneda snapped.  "Why the hell you'd be jealous of her?  She's just some dumb girl, she's nothing to any of us.  You could have _killed _him, Kai!  That mean anything to you?  You could have killed him!"

            Of course it meant something, it meant everything, it tore him open and sadness was bleeding from his eyes.  

            "I –"  He swallowed.  His throat had gone dry, and he could feel himself trembling.  "I was jealous of her because –"

            "I don't wanna hear it."

            Yamagata got to his feet, marched towards them.  

            "Whatever it is, I'm not interested," he snapped.  "Get out of my sight, _Kaisuke."_

"You know why I did it," Kai hissed at him.  "You know exactly why –"

            "And I said, I don't want you to tell me!  _I don't want you to tell anyone!"_

Kai stared at him for some moments as understanding dawned.

            _He won't even let me tell the truth.  He'd rather preserve his own damn reputation then let me keep a bit of mine._

And as he realised, his entire body was flooded with fury, so much fury it hurt.

"Oh, I get it," he said.  "You're too fucking scared to admit the truth, aren't you.  Well, fine.  You want to pretend I had no reason, fine, I had no reason.  No reason at all, because I don't give a damn about you.  I wish you _had _died when we crashed, cos guess what?  _You're so stupid no one would miss you."_

The words had spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them.  Now he wished he had, because Yamagata was staring at him, face blazing with shock.

_I'm sorry –_

_No, I'm not –_

Then the misery had gone, and Yamagata was simply scowling, shaking with rage.  "You take that back."

"Not unless you let me tell 'em why I did it."

"There's no reason.  I don't know of any reason.  Which I guess makes you delusional.  So you can just get out of here and I never wanna see you again."

"All right," Kai said, and he was trembling again.  "All right, I'm going."

He started to walk away, then stopped, and called over his shoulder:

"Guess it didn't mean much to you then.  And we couldn't even get past seven days."

And then he started walking again, faster and faster, until he was running, out of the parking lot, out of the school gates, down the street, past the boarded-up shops, tears blurring their faded signs, and finally he got back home, dashed upstairs to his room, and there he could do nothing else but sink down on his bed and cry.


	5. Skin On Skin

Chapter Five – Skin On Skin

(All characters except Suki © Katsuhiro Otomo.)

The next morning was even hotter, and the air lay flat and heavy like the smell of rot.  

            Kai awoke, and stared at the ceiling.  His eyes were sore and the skin around them was tender.  He'd been crying too much.  When was the last time he'd actually sobbed like that?  Ages ago, must be, because he couldn't remember it.

            He should really get up.

            Why?  So what if he missed school?  No one would miss _him._

            At the thought of what had happened yesterday, he groaned, and curled up, pulling the sheet back over his head.  No.  He'd lost his friends, his boyfriend and his self-esteem all in one day.  He'd wrecked his life.  He may as well accept the majority vote and lie down for a bit.

            Not that it was very comfortable here.  He was too hot, the room was stuffy and smelt of mould, and he'd gone to sleep in his clothes last night, which had been a mistake.  They were crumpled, it felt like he was wearing cardboard, and his tie was knotted and half-choking him.

            If he had his bike, he'd go ride.  Drown out his problems in the roar of the engine.  But no.  He was wheel-less, and so marooned here.  He didn't _want _to stay curled up, thinking of how dumb he'd been and how everyone hated him and how there was nothing he could do.  But there didn't seem to be another option.

            _You betrayed me and I betrayed you._

Sure, what he'd done was worse.  But Yamagata could've…could've at least admitted it.  At least let the others see that there was a reason for what had happened, that he, Kai, wasn't just a ruthless psychopath who attacked other people's bikes for the fun of it.  

            "But nooo," he muttered to the wall.  "Can't _possibly _let the others know that Yamagata The Great isn't perhaps as much of a man as they think.  Kai's evil – fine, cool.  Yamagata's gay – no, this can't be happening!  Oh, man…"

            He sighed.  There were more tears lurking at the back of his throat, but he wouldn't let them out.  He had cried _enough _in the past twenty-four hours, and that was final.  He was not wasting any more tears on Yamagata, who didn't need them and didn't care anyway.  

            In fact, why was he wasting his life for that guy anyway?  Why bother?  Just because one person was mad with him (well, all right, slightly more than one, more like two or three, but _anyway) _was no reason to hide.  And he couldn't hide for the rest of his life.  And this room was starting to drive him insane.

            He leapt out of bed, feet hitting the floor with a crash.  A quick wash and tie-retying later, he was ready, walking down the street, and trying not to notice the absence of friends.  

            He was glad he was setting off late, anyway.  Otherwise the lack of people coming to meet him would have been _really _obvious.

***

He got to school just as Mr Tamura's class was starting, which meant he was one of the first into the room.  Going to sit in his usual place, he rested his head on the cool desk, and hoped the maths would numb his brain.

            Twenty-five minutes into the lesson, he saw Kaneda stroll into the classroom, glance up at his usual space, and stop dead as he saw Kai sitting next to it.  Then there was a long pause as Kaneda considered the matter, which ended with him going to sit down because there were no other seats left, but in a brooding, contemptuous manner.

            "I'm surprised you showed up today," he said to Kai.  "Would've thought you'd be a little less confident about showing your face."

            "Hey, you don't own the school, Kaneda.  I'm still allowed to go to it."

            "Yeah, well, whatever.  Come anywhere _near _my bike and you'll die horribly."

            "I don't _care _about your stupid bike," Kai snapped.  

            Kaneda shrugged, and started scratching at some old graffiti on the desk with the nib of his pen.  

            "What was all that stuff about seven days?" he asked a few moments later.  "That you said to Yamagata before you left."

            "He didn't tell you?"

            "Nope.  Won't tell us anything.  Don't think he's here today, actually."  Kai wasn't sure whether he was happy about that or not.  On the one hand, he wasn't going to get to see the guy.  On the other, he wouldn't have to take more rejection from him.  Hmm.  Joy levels could go either way.

            "So?" Kaneda said at last.  "What's the big secret?"

            "Secret?"

            "What's going on between you two?"

            Kai chewed his lip.  To confess it now – Yamagata wouldn't back it up, would he?  Just laugh and shout _fag _with the rest of them.  No proof.  If he was going to tell Kaneda – tell everyone – he wanted proof, he wanted something that showed the fling…or whatever it was…had been real.

            "Ask him," he said.  "I don't know."

            "So you _did _just try and kill him for no reason, then."

            "I didn'ttry and kill him!"

            "Well, what else do you sabotage someone's bike for?" Kaneda hissed.  "To give them a bit of excitement in their lives?"

            "Oh, shut up."

            "Hey, I thought you were a friend.  And friends don't do that to people."

            "Thank you, Mr Guidance Counsellor.  Got any other bits of kindergarten philosophy you want to share with me?"

            "Kai, you are being a jerk."  Kaneda turned to face him.  "You're a good rider and all, but I don't want you in the gang if you're gonna do that every time someone calls you Shorty or whatever the hell Yamagata did.  So if you got a good reason about why you did it, start talking, otherwise, you're out."

            "You wouldn't believe me if I told you.  Yamagata'll deny it."  Kai rocked back on his chair, trying to act calm, trying to act like he didn't care about any of this, about the scorn in Kaneda's face, about the friendships being snatched away from him.  "And then I'll just look like a liar as well as a murderer or whatever you're calling me."

            "Fine," Kaneda snapped.  "You're out, then.  See you around."     

            Kai tried to ignore the tight, cold feeling in his throat.  

            I don't care.  I don't care about any of them.

            _Liar.___

            "Whatever," he said, and turned away.

            So that was it, then.  There were no more people in his life.  There really weren't.

            He didn't care.           

            Well, all right, he _did _care, but not that much.  It didn't matter, anyway.  He could handle life perfectly well on his own.  Always had done.

            _Nobody ever wants me…not mum and dad…not the guys…and not…_

He couldn't even think the name; he knew if he did it would smash through his face and send tears everywhere again.

            When class ended he let Kaneda leave first – waited until he'd actually gone out of the classroom.  No need to have it rubbed in that he wasn't welcome.

            This feeling was familiar.  This was like falling back into his childhood, in the old children's home where no one talked to him.  They'd gone off in groups and hung around in the grass-cracked playground, leaving him on his own in the middle of it.  He'd always hated that children's home.  

            His method of coping had been to sidle up to them and just stand, watching, pretending he was involved, pretending he was just the quiet one of the group.  It hadn't been much better than being on his own, because you knew you were silently begging for them to include you and your mind hated you.  And conversation hurt when it wasn't given to you.  And sooner or later they lost their tempers and jumped on you, or threw handfuls of grass at you, so you were perpetually waiting to be shoved or kicked at.  

            But it was still better than admitting defeat.

            The sun burnt down on him, and his skin stung, and he eased his jacket down his arms to get rid of the heat.  Around him the ground blazed, and when he walked through the shadows at the sides it was like all the lights going out and it made his head ache.

            Anyway, at that children's home it had been different.  Okay, they'd not liked him – they'd hated him? – no, it was never as bad as that, they'd never picked on him exactly, they just hadn't really wanted him around. 

            But it hadn't been his fault.  It had just been one of those times when your personality didn't catch light with anyone, when nobody really found you interesting.  

            Now it _was _his fault.

            _You could have killed him._

Kai sighed, and rubbed at a drip of sweat, heavy with dust, that was beginning to ooze down his nose.  

            Maybe he'd feel better if he _had actually been trying to kill Yamagata.  At least then it would be fair.  But he hadn't been…he hadn't…he'd just got mad, and it wasn't just Yamagata, it was Suki as well…and it had just been one moment, one moment when he'd done something really stupid.  Surely it wasn't fair to treat someone bad because of one dumb moment?_

            The playground was empty.  Too hot.  Most people were lurking in the shade on the other side of the building, Kai reckoned, or actually inside still.  It wasn't like there was anything better to do out here.  

            But he knew where the Capsules would be.  With their bikes in the parking lot.

            He would _not _use childhood tactics and hang around looking pathetic again.  Once that would have been a refusal to surrender, but now – now it would be admitting he did need them, and he didn't.  He didn't.

            Besides, Yamagata might be there, and then Kai knew his feelings would go haywire, he'd collapse inside like someone kicking over a stack of boxes.  And he didn't need that now.

            He'd stay alone, thank you very much.  Even though his head was starting to ache as the heat crushed it, even though the silence was itching him, even though part of him – a lot of him – just wanted to go _find _Yamagata and beg, and say he was sorry, and try, just try for forgiveness…

            Oh, please.

            He leant back against the wall, and stared up at the sky.  It was as blue as a Bunsen burner flame, and just as hot.  He thought he could hear the world crackle at the edges.

***

Yamagata wondered why he was doing this.  He wasn't sure he wanted to see Suki one bit.  He didn't want to see _anyone.  No, he did – he wanted to see the world and smash its face in._

            But he didn't want to see Kai.

            So he'd avoided the guys this morning.  Stayed home, pacing the room, feeling like his rage was going to smash the walls down.  

            _How could you do that to me?_

_            How could you?_

So damn stupid!  So damn stupid to think any of it would work.  He'd made himself look dumb, risked _everything for Kai, and then the bastard had just stabbed him in the back!_

            _And then he wanted me to tell them…_

_            Yeah, **right!**_

****"Yama," Suki said, "You're hurting my hand."

            "Huh?  Oh…"  He relaxed his grip.  The bones of her hand had been digging into his palm.

            At about ten-thirty he'd headed into school because it was either that or stay in this room and go insane.  But he hadn't got very far, because Suki had been at the gates.  Been looking out for him, she'd said, because he wasn't with the others.  

            He'd wanted to hit out and send her flat on her ass in the dust, but why bother?  He didn't _have anyone else now.  There was only Suki.  And maybe if he blocked out memory a bit…blocked out memories of Kai…and, like, stuff…then everything would be okay and he'd stop _feeling _so much._

            So he'd agreed to go off with her.

            "Your place or mine?" she'd said, every ridge and speck of her lipstick glinting in the sun.

            He'd nearly said _mine as usual, _but – no.  This was to smush memory, to grind it into dust, and his room was drowning in memories of Kai, Kai lying sprawled on the bed watching him, Kai collapsing with concussion as they'd walked up the stairs, Kai standing kissing him and glancing nervously at his bike –

_            And now I know why, how could you, I thought you cared, I thought you liked me…_

No way.  No way.

            So now Suki was leading him down the street back to her dorm, her fingers sweaty, with that dry, flaky feel underneath that damp hands always seemed to have.  She was more giggly than usual, and kept looking quickly at him, like a bird.  

            He didn't want to meet her eyes, so he kept looking down at their feet.  Hers were peeling and red from some old sunburn, and the ankles rolled inwards because of her stilettos.  If girls had such horrible feet, why did they _want _to show 'em off in those stupid shoes?

            Her dorm was slightly smarter than his – maybe girls didn't like scribbling on walls so much, or maybe they were just all too wimpy to do so.  And the corridors smelt different, perfume and soap and fruit-scented lip gloss, sugary smells that made him feel slightly sick, choked the back of his throat.  

            "We better keep it down," Suki whispered.  "The dorm mother'll chew me out if she catches us."

            "Why?"

            "Not at school…and we're not supposed to bring boys home either."  She giggled again, and he felt even more like hitting her.  

            _So this is what you've come down to?  Someone for Suki to use to piss off the dorm mother?  _

Again, he kept his mouth shut.  Suki wouldn't understand if he did say anything anyway.

            Her room was covered in sharp, eye-aching sunlight, because her blind had actually broken and lay at the bottom of the floor like a suicide victim.  Yamagata squinted, made out a million perfume-nail-varnish-makeup things, little glass bottles, chrome covers, faded elegant logos, pools of coloured stickiness.  The floor was covered in magazines, girls' ones, like dead leaves, and he slipped slightly on them as he walked over to her bed, and hated them.  His feet left dust spatters over the articles, _How To Find Mr Right, Why Men Don't Commit And How To Find One Who Does, Spice Up Your Love Life._

Suki pushed the door shut, glancing nervously out into the corridor before doing so, then turned to face him, grinning so desperately her face almost snapped in two.  

            "So, uh…"  

            Geez, she didn't need to act like they were having a fucking tea party or something!  He didn't want to chat to her, he just wanted to – to drown himself in her or something, because Kai was sitting in his brain, watching, with that miserable look that was _not interesting and was _not _making Yamagata feel guilty.  _

            He marched over the magazines, grabbed her shoulders, and kissed her.  Her lipstick skidded across his face, and they stumbled back, their four feet crushing the magazines, and onto her bed.  He scrabbled at her top, under it, her breasts smooth like cream, like bubbles, the straps slid down her bony shoulders, she gasped.  Her bed was unmade, the sheets still warm, but he didn't want to notice that.  He didn't want to think of her as someone who slept at night and had dreams and maybe sometimes felt as mad and hurting as he was at the moment…

            No, he wasn't hurting.  He was happy.  He was making out with a gorgeous girl in her bed and it was a sunny day.  Life was fucking wonderful.

            _I don't like this._

Shut up!  Her top was twisted round her throat now.  Her bra was orange.  He was pretty sure last time they'd done this she'd been wearing a purple one, how many bras did a girl have?

            Why the hell was he wondering all this anyway?  

            _Because I don't like it, I don't want to be doing it…_

Well, that ain't my fault!  That's her fucking fault, ain't it?  She's doing summat wrong, she's not helping me out, she's frigid, she's, she's _something…_

            "Just slow –"

            And he didn't want to damn well _talk to her.  He kissed her again, biting off the words _

            _Kiss as hard as when I did it to Kai…_

No!

            And reached under her skirt, to the heat between her thighs 

            _And I don't want to do it_

And I like this, I swear it

            And she grabbed at his wrist, and her long nails scratched and he flung her arm away from him

            _And why can't I just stop – please stop –_

_            And this is gonna be good, I've said it is_

            "What's with you?" she gasped.

            "Nothing's with me!"  He yanked at her skirt.

            "You're crazy!"  She caught his hand again, tore it off her clothes.  "What did I do – you're hurting me –"

            "No I ain't, geez Suki, can't you just get over yourself?  You ain't making this fun one bit, you moan all the time –" 

            _"I _ain't moaning, it's you, you're pissed off about something.  Look, you can't expect to enjoy this if you don't know how to make _me _happy too –"

            "I know how to make you damn well happy!"

            And he slammed his hands onto her collarbones, shoved her down again, but she was right, he wasn't enjoying it, why the hell not?  _Because you're a freak, you're a freak, you're not a guy, you're a freak, and you're gonna suffer for it – _no – he wouldn't – he would fuck her brains out if it made him sick, he'd prove it, he'd prove his dad wrong; he wrenched her arms back above her head, her wrists scraped against his palms; and he'd show Kai he'd never cared for him, never liked him one _bit –_

Far, far above him, back in the real world, he heard the door fly open.    "Suki, do you have any paracetamol – oh, sorry.  Hey – are you okay?"

            It all stopped.  

            And because it stopped, he was able to let go of Suki and slide off her a little, and she sat up, and they both turned to look at Hiroko, Kaneda's girl (or she had been last week, at least) who was standing there in a grubby nightdress, face shiny with sweat, a hot-water-bottle clutched to her stomach.

            "Um, yeah," Suki whispered at last.  "I'll – I'll go get it…"

            She glanced at Yamagata, and he was amazed, because he'd never seen her actually looking _frightened _before.    

            "Hello?  Yamagata?"  Hiroko shook her head.  "Let her get up, why don't you?"

            He shook himself a little, and climbed off her, and watched as she stumbled over to her chest of drawers and handed Hiroko the painkillers. 

            It was so silent suddenly.  The cars outside seemed miles away.  Him and Suki and Hiroko were all wrapped up in this room together.  Sun stroked their faces, and their breathing rang out harsh and ruffled like fraying in the air.

            "Suki, come keep me company," Hiroko said at last.  "I feel like shit."

            "But Yamagata's –"

            "I'm sure he won't mind goin' and finding some place else to hang."  She gave him a look.  Her face looked black-and-white without makeup, but it was no less stern for that.  "This is girl stuff, okay?  Ow…"  She doubled over, clutching the hot water bottle tighter.  "You can find your own way out?"

            "Uh-huh."

            He watched them stumbling off down the corridor together before making his way out of the dorm and back out into the street.  Sun-baked – yeah, and the buildings steamed, and the air rippled with heat, and the sweat patches on his clothes were icy.

            What had actually happened back there?

            It was hard to remember already.  Just a crazy blur of hands and skin and clothes and sun.

            He'd never been like _that _with a girl.  You didn't need to leap on 'em.  If you were close enough to a girl to be kissing her, or with your arm round her or summat, then you didn't need to force 'em, they were all gagging for it and with just a few words or touches you'd have just what you wanted.  Forcing a girl was what nerds did who couldn't get it any other way.  

            And it wasn't like she hadn't been wanting it, was it?  She'd _invited him back to screw, they'd done it before.  He shouldn't have needed to go postal on her._

            And he had.  

            Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he'd decided to be rough with her, if he'd known about it and been happy with it.  But he hadn't.  He'd just got…

            …scared?

            Oh, _shit._

This was Kai's fault like everything else, damn him.  He was still sitting there up in Yamagata's skull, watching, with that horrified, hurt look on his face he'd had the day before.  Yamagata wished he'd go away.  Just to have some time where you didn't need to _think any more.  _

            If even Suki couldn't give him kicks now…

            It was happening, it was getting worse.  He really was changing, changing into a freak like his dad had said.  And he couldn't do anything because it was inside him.  He was cursed.  Instead of being a normal guy who would have _liked _getting it on with Suki, back there he'd been something else – something that couldn't like it, something that had had to force both of them to believe they were having fun…

            He was trembling again.  He tried to stop, and tried to ignore the scar, which felt like it was growing, covering all of him, showing everyone else what he really was…

            And it was all Kai's fault, Kai had got close to him and messed up his head, had started living in it and how were you supposed to think about someone in a normal way when they'd left their footprints all over your brain?  And Kai was the one who'd sabotaged his bike, after all.  And with friends like that, and all that shit…

            He wanted to hate Kai like he hated other people, the Clowns and Mr Takaba and all those other stupid jerks who got in your way.  But he couldn't.  All those people were pathetic, there was nothing to admire about 'em, you could pin hate onto them and it'd stick.  They existed to be hated.  Plus, most of them probably hated him too.

            But apart from this sabotage shit, he (he _had) liked Kai, he thought Kai was cool and smart and funny _(and cute) _and a good person.  _

            And Kai didn't hate him.

            It was an odd thought, and he took a moment to consider it.  You'd figure someone who'd deliberately messed with your bike in the hope you'd have a nasty, possibly fatal accident – and Kai knew enough about bikes to know that was what would happen – had to hate you.

            But he just knew.  Kai didn't hate him.  

            _Okay, then, smartass, so if he don't hate you, why'd he do it?_

He was mad with me hitting him that time.  And going off with Suki.  Had to be.  He said he was jealous.

            But if you're jealous of someone, don't you hate 'em?

            He didn't want Kai to hate him…he wanted Kai still to be interested in him…and miss him…

            _He got on the bike with me.  He got on the bike and let me drive off and he could've died, we both could've.  _

How could you do that?  How could you be so dumb?  

            He saw the scene again – the sick icy terror as he realised they weren't stopping – and the cars tearing past them, suddenly too powerful, too strong – and the wall – and him jumping – and tearing grazes down his arms – and then Kai lying there – dead –

            Not dead.  

            But could've been.

            He must've been crazy.

            Yeah.  He _was crazy, wasn't he?  Yamagata was positive, no matter how mad he ever got with someone, he wouldn't do _that _to 'em.  He'd say it to their face, he'd break their skull against a wall, he'd bash their head in with a pipe, but he'd never do that.  _

            Would he?

            Anyway, that wasn't important!  The point was Kai _had done it, and the point was they'd both nearly died.  Nothing else mattered.  Not the misery in Kai's eyes when he'd owned up – not that they'd been going out –_

            _Not that if you'd said summat, the guys might've understood…or at least known why, properly why…_

Bullshit.  If he'd spoken, Kai would've had two problems to deal with.  He was practically doing the guy a favour.

            Wasn't he?

            Those sad eyes…Kai looked out at him, and said _like hell you are.  It's yourself you're helping.  Not me._

Man, it was getting hot.  His skin was slick with sweat all over now, and a dull headache was building behind his eyes.  

            He'd walk back to school, get his bike, and go find someplace shady.  And then he'd just laze around and forget everything.  The day seemed so long suddenly.  It was only like eleven-thirty or something, how was he supposed to kill the time?  Oh, well, he'd think of that later.  For now he'd get his bike back before some other bastard got their dirty hands on it.

            There was the school.  Grass slid through the cracked paving stones under his feet, dry and burnt like dead matches.  The parking lot was empty – he figured the others must have actually gone to a class for once – and there was his bike, the sun dripping along its corners, painting it with white-hot stripes that dazzled his eyes.  He was just about to leap on and get the hell out of there, when suddenly he heard footsteps, and turned to look, and Kai came round the corner.

            For a moment they both just stood there, staring at each other.  It was a shock to see Kai for real again, and Yamagata told himself that's why he was staring.  Kai's shoulders were hunched in his jacket again, and his face was shiny with the heat.  

            _He must be really hot in that thing – this is the sort of day you can really enjoy taking things off –_

_            Skin on skin –_

Yamagata screeched his thoughts to a halt, tore his eyes away from Kai, and climbed onto his bike.  

            _I don't need him and I don't even want him any more – and there's nothing he can do to make it up, I don't forgive people who try to kill me – and –_

_            I don't want to tell ever ever ever –_

Shit.  His brain talked too much.

***

Kai wished he hadn't come round the corner at just this time.  He didn't want to see Yamagata, he didn't want to see anyone, he was happy with his own company.  

            _Looks like __Yamagata__ wasn't – should I mention the lipstick stains?_

            That bitch Suki…if she'd just let Yamagata alone, it wouldn't have happened.

            Well, probably, anyway.

            No, he didn't want to follow that thought, that thought really did make him a murderer.

            Yamagata was staring at him like their eyes had been melded by the heat.  Kai wanted to shrug, wanted to turn away, show Yamagata he didn't need him, he didn't want him – but why not keep staring?  Now he'd been kicked out he probably wouldn't be able to again unless he turned stalker.  And that would probably result in a length of piping being used to smash his skull, and he wasn't _that depressed.           _

            Then Yamagata shrugged, and turned, and climbed onto his bike.  Kai wanted to call out for him to wait, to come back, to forgive him, but he gritted his teeth and kept the words back.

            _I don't need you._

And what would be the point?  Yamagata was obviously happy enough with Suki.  Probably heading back to her place now. 

            One day he'd have to assassinate Suki.  Just to make himself feel better.

            As Yamagata drove off, Kai sighed, slowly, and suddenly tears as hot as the sunlight were burning in his eyes.

            He rubbed them away with his jacket sleeve, and once the sound of Yamagata's engine had faded, he started to walk.  He might as well get used to his room; he'd be spending a lot of time in it alone.  


	6. I'm Sorry I'm Sorry

Chapter Six – I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry

(Everyone in this chapter is © Katsuhiro Otomo.  Except Chip.  Well…the idea of a Clown called Chip is © Katsuhiro Otomo, but his character is mine.  I didn't think up another name for my own personal satisfaction…anyway, please r+r!)

Slowly the sun set, twisting red in the blazing sky before it died completely.  The heavens were as thick and dull as mud, but Neo-Tokyo lit up with a million stars of its own as spotlights and skyscrapers reflected off the night clouds.

            The Capsules roared down the wide streets as passers-by scattered like rubbish and shrieked over the snarl of engines.  Yamagata hoped they'd all drop dead of heart attacks later.  

            Riding a bike should be making him happy.  Riding a bike was what he _did.  _

            So why did he feel like smashing the world to pieces for no other reason than that life sucked and everything was a pain in the ass? 

            _Thanks a bunch, Kai._

He was gonna enjoy himself.  He'd got his bike back, hadn't he?  He had to enjoy himself.  The other guys charged past him, their tail lights blazing lines over the darkness, laughing, cheering.  They were enjoying themselves.

            _They're normal._

He shivered suddenly, clenched his teeth, and gunned the engine until he'd caught up with them again.  The bike charged forward, specks of grit pinging off the painted sides, he leant as they turned the corner and it followed his lead.  It was fine now.

            Wasn't it?

            Of course it was.  He'd fixed it all up this morning.  Overhaul and everything.  Nothing'd go wrong.  

            _That's what you thought last time, and look what happened.  _

The scabs on his arms grinned up at him, reminding him _you screwed up. _

But it _hadn't_ been him.  It had been Kai.  

            _He wouldn't have done it again – would he?_

Yamagata was no coward.  But he preferred danger when you knew exactly what you were risking.  And when you had stuff you could trust.  Now he couldn't trust his bike.  

            And he couldn't trust Kai either.

            Oh, geez, quit worrying!  He sighed, and skidded to a halt outside the Harukiya, where the others were waiting.

            "You go into a dream out there?" Kaneda asked him.  "We been waiting – oh, at least a minute."

            "Ah, shut up."  Yamagata felt too vicious to try and think of a smart response.

            "What's with you?" 

            "Nothin'!"

            "Probably mad about Kai," one of the others said.  "That was pretty scummy.  I ain't surprised you're pissed."

            Yamagata shrugged.  Why'd they keep _talking _all the time?  Couldn't they just leave him alone?

            Their voices followed him down the steps and rattled off the graffiti-spattered walls.

            "Never thought he had it in him."

            "Ya didn't?  I always thought he was weird.  Just glad I never let him near _my bike."_

            "Yeah, well, he's gone now," Kaneda said.  "I don't want psychos like that even in the same room as mine."

            Tetsuo snorted.  "If Kai'd done anything to _your bike he'd be a stain on the wall by now."_

            "And I wish he was," another biker said.  "I mean, he was just bored or summat, wasn't he, Yamagata?"

            "Yeah."  The word tasted bad in Yamagata's mouth.  He tried to ignore it.  "Just bored."

            "No, he wasn't," Tetsuo said.  "He was – jealous, he said –"

            "You don't know shit about it," Yamagata said, turning round as they reached the bottom of the stairs.  "So why don't you just shut your face and give the world a break?"

            He wrenched open the door, and strode into the Harukiya.  It was baking hot, and the temperature hit him like a sandbag, and the headache which had been half-drowned in the ride earlier now bled through his skin again.

            And they were _still _babbling about Kai.  Didn't anyone have anything better to talk about?

            "I mean, you know, it's okay, like, _bashing someone's bike, but doing that –"_

            Drinks on the table, glowing rich-coloured in the dingy light.

            "And doing it for no reason except you're pissed off…that's, you know, that's like a little kid."

            Laughter like breaking rocks.  "Well, of course, that explains everything, don't it?  You always said he looked about eight –"

            Yamagata felt as if he'd been locked in a nightmare; the darkness, the rasping, soul-sucking heat, and the voices.  He told himself he didn't care, but it didn't work, because he did – he cared that they were saying this.  They didn't understand, they thought Kai really was that bad, and they were laughing at him.  They thought they were so damn smart and funny.

            _I could say stuff and stop it all, make them see the truth…_

_            I can't I can't _

The only way to get through this was to drink and send the itchy, painful guilt and anger down into the dark depths of a glass.  The liquid burned, cuddly burns, as he swallowed it.  Burn out the fear.  But it didn't actually make him feel any better.  Inside his mind was getting darker and darker, and he wanted to drown himself in it, because everything sucked.  Everything.  Kai hated him and he hated Kai, except he didn't because if he did he wouldn't _mind _the others saying this and he did, it was driving him crazy, but what could he say, what could he say?  He didn't know what to do.  It was getting too dark to work anything out these days.

            "Yamagata, you should slow down a bit…you gotta take your bike home, ain'tcha?  You'll be…weaving all over the road…"

            "Shut the fuck up, I can do what I like!" 

            "What's with you anyway?" Tetsuo asked.  "You're depressed."

            Then there was a lot more darkness.  And then he was riding.  And he _wasn't _weaving all over the road whatever Kaneda said.  Was he?  No, the world was weaving all over him…hey, that was damn funny actually.

            And then there was anger.  So much anger.  Thick black stuff in the air flooding his skull and making him feel sick with it.  

            But he was on his own now, so it didn't matter.  No one to piss him off.  And not Kai, and that was the best of all.  

            The anger didn't need people.  It survived on its own, and it hated the air and the lights and the neon signs of the bars flickering on and off.  Hated the skyscrapers, so tall, making him feel so _little.__  Hated everything except the roar of the engine beneath him._

            And he was chasing someone…a Clown, that was it.  A Clown who'd charged past him a little way from the Harukiya.  Some damn Clown on his fucking turf!  And the pipe was sticky with sweat in his hand, and he raised it – to try and hit – but he was too slow – no, not too slow, the other guy was too fast, and dodged –

            Cars screeching and roaring around them, burning holes in his eyes and in the darkness, melting it into sickly glowing.

            He accelerated, him and his bike charged down the road, yeah, like one person.  Or one bike?  Couldn't tell and why was he wondering because he was about to hit –

            His bike smashed into the Clown's head on – and the Clown flew off his – and up up up into the air, and then down, and landed heavily against the steps of a house.  Yamagata screeched to a halt and the anger dragged him forward and with every punch he spat out some of the anger but it just kept growing, he hit again and again…

            _Hate you all of you hate hate hate_

And then what?

            He'd left the Clown.  He was standing on the street, he'd been wheeling his bike because he couldn't figure on driving it again and the cars were moving too fast anyway.  No people.  He'd been trying to aim for somewhere – yeah – he'd been trying to find Kai's place, but then he'd remembered they hated each other and now what could he do?  

            Couldn't think…like walking through water, to try and think.  Where to go now?  Why was it so hard suddenly – could drink normally – could think normally –

            _You're a freak, you're getting weaker, boy_

He didn't know what to do and the shadows were too thick.

            And he felt ill too, a slow crawling feeling up from his stomach that he was going to die.

            _You're getting weaker_

            His hands gripping the bike were bloodstained.

            And Neo-Tokyo wrapped itself round him like a ghost, a ghost filled with noise and light and screaming and it wouldn't let him out into the darkness.  

            _Getting weaker…_

            _Help me –_

***

Kai heard the clatter outside the window, but didn't bother to get up and look at it.  For the last two hours he'd been lying flat on his bed staring at the ceiling, and he wanted to see if he could make it three hours.  So far he'd spotted five damp patches, sixteen scars of peeled paint, and seven odd marks that could be anything.  

            Okay, it wasn't as good as having friends and biking and stuff like that, but it came damn close.

            Downstairs, someone rattled the door.  Kai scowled.  Probably someone who'd forgotten their key.  Now, was that a damp patch or –

            "…Kai!"

            Huh?

            No, he was hallucinating.  He was so desperate for friends that he was hallucinating that the person trying to get in was actually calling him.

            The house around him was silent, though.  Most people were out at this time, blasting themselves with clubbing or drink or drugs or sex, sometimes all at the same time.  He didn't care that he was stuck at home in a dark room because he had no friends.

            _You should've said something to __Yamagata__ this afternoon._

Like hell I should.  I don't need another rejection, thanks.

            "Kai!"

            Oh, fine.  He'd go down, see who it was, tell them to piss off because they'd obviously got the wrong Kai.  They wanted some Kai whom people actually still liked.  

            He'd been thinking thoughts like this all afternoon.  At first they'd hurt, but now they were kind of fun in a numb, miserable way.

            He got up, yelping as the blood rushed away from his head, and stumbled out of his room and down the stairs.  This place _sucked in the evenings. The rooms were soaked in darkness, the air hurt it was so quiet, everywhere stank of mildew, and headlights and streetlamps burnt orange into the bare, chipped-paint walls, emphasising the lack of people to look at them._

            Kai hoped the person outside wasn't a tramp/psycho/killer.  But he couldn't leave them knocking here all night.

            _Admit it – you just hope it's someone who actually wants to see you._

He squinted at the glass panel in the door – yeah, there was someone, crouched on the step – 

            Yamagata?

            He pulled the door open, and street sounds swirled into the hall.

            "Yamagata?" he said.  "What the hell happened to you?"  Then he smelt the alcohol, which tore through his nose like fire.  "Oh, wait – I can guess.  You're pissed outta your skull, aren't you?"

            "I think I'm gonna be sick," Yamagata groaned.

            "How much did you drink?"

            "Dunno…a lot…"

            "Where're the others?"

            "Dunno…I rode here…I chased a Clown…"

            "You rode like _this?"  _Kai felt queasy himself.  How Yamagata had avoided becoming roadkill he couldn't guess.  "Well, you can't ride anywhere else tonight.  Come in and you can go home tomorrow."

            "Bike…"

            "I'll take it round the back, put it in the parking lot."

            "You won't do nothing to it?"

            Kai felt a sting of rage lash around in his chest.  "No, I won't do nothing to it.  You wait on the step."

            When he came back, Yamagata had sunk down onto the steps, and was resting his head on his knees.  Kai caught himself wanting to stroke him.  Sit next to him and just…do stuff.

            He rejected the thought as impractical both on physical and mental grounds.  Yamagata was not only a nice shade of green, he also thought Kai was a psychotic low-down bastard would-be murderer.  

            Okay.  Tonight he'd stop the guy going off and doing something really stupid; and tomorrow he'd let him walk away and be cool with it.  Totally cool with it.  And then he'd go back to staring at the ceiling.

            Yamagata had never been this out of it before, though.  The guys liked a drink, sure, but they weren't stupid enough to ride back paralytic.  A little tipsy and thinking it was really funny to goof around, fine.  But not like this.  And what the hell were they thinking leaving Yamagata to ride off on his own?  

            They stumbled up the dark stairs together, Yamagata groaning gently on Kai's shoulder and then just making it to the bathroom in time.  After a rather unpleasant interlude, Kai made him drink about six pints of water or something – he'd heard that was good to prevent hangovers, and by the looks of it Yamagata would be in agony tomorrow, ready to kick the nearest cat, or Kai in this case.  And there was plenty of stuff for him to be mad about…  

            Finally they got back to Kai's room, where Yamagata promptly curled up on the floor and fell asleep.  Kai lay down on his own bed, but he ignored the ceiling this time.

            Yamagata had looked so pathetic.  People always did when they felt ill.  You couldn't be mad with someone who looked that miserable.  

            If he hadn't come here tonight…

            He could've been killed out there, really killed.  

            What had made him get so out of it, anyway?  

            _Could be you, perhaps –_

No.  Yamagata didn't care about him, did he?  Probably he'd just got carried away, or someone had challenged him to a drinking competition.  But then he'd got on his bike and ridden off and could've been killed –

            _Life's dangerous enough without you sneaking around sabotaging things._

And suddenly the guilt broke over him like a shower of ice, and he swallowed, and whispered _I'm sorry, I'm sorry _even though he knew Yamagata, whose snores were dark and heavy below his own breathing, couldn't hear him.

            Tomorrow he'd tell him he was sorry.  It was okay to tell him now.  It didn't even matter if he wasn't forgiven, he just had to say it.  At least then, when he was alone again, Yamagata would be out there knowing the truth.  

***

Blink.

            And blink again.

            And suddenly the light shot through Yamagata's eyelids and started burning a line across the back of his skull, and he yelped and shut his eyes again.

            His head felt like someone was bouncing a tennis ball from side to side inside it.  

            What had happened last night?

            Slowly, like a dripping tap, memories started to thump back into his brain.       _Drip – driving away from Kai – __drip – and going to the Harukiya – __drip – and no one shutting up – __drip – and drinking – __drip – and laughter – __drip – and drinking – __drip – and the Clown – and then – then –_

            Where the hell was he?

            Slowly, slowly, he opened both eyes, hoping the sun wouldn't notice.  

            It did, and he slammed them shut again, but not before making out an unfamiliar ceiling.

            Well, he wasn't lying sprawled in a gutter somewhere.  That had to be good.

            And although he felt not totally great, the hangover wasn't half as bad as should have been.  He must have puked the drink out of his system last night.  He vaguely remembered _that…_

            But where was he?

            "Yamagata?  You awake?"

            The voice came through a faint mist of pain that curled round his ears.

            "Uh-huh…"

            "How're you feeling?"  The voice sounded slightly apprehensive.  And familiar.  Definitely familiar.

            "Not too great, but…"

            Slowly, slowly, his aching brain fumbled through a list of voices, trying to make a match.

            _"Kai?"___

"Yeah."

            Yamagata groaned again.  It was horror, not pain, but Kai said, "I'll go find you some paracetamol or something.  And see if there's any breakfast around."

            "Uh-huh…"

            Footsteps past his head, and then the door opened and closed, and he was alone.

            What the hell was Kai doing here?  

            He waited until the headache subsided for a moment, then flicked his eyes open and stared round the room.  Not his.  Kai's room.  Why was he in Kai's room?  How the hell had he got there?  

            He didn't want to be there.  He didn't _like _Kai.

            Did he?

            The scar grinned on his skin.

Several painkillers and splashes of cold water later, he was feeling a bit more human, but no less puzzled.  But he didn't really want to ask Kai what had happened.  He could've done _anything _last night, and he didn't want Kai to've seen.  He could've said anything.  Oh, shit…what if he'd said something stupid about…relationships, or sabotage, or…shit like that?  

            Alcohol sucked.  It really did.

            He heard footsteps, and looked round as Kai came into the room, chewing a piece of toast.  

            "Want any breakfast?" he asked.  "There's still a bit left, but you gotta be quick."

            "Nah, I'll – I'll wait."

            Kai nodded, popped the last bit of toast into his mouth, and, licking the butter off his fingers, said, "Your bike's round the back of the building, where I left it – I dunno if you remember much of last night."

            "Uh…not much."

            "Well, you showed up on the doorstep totally pissed, came inside, threw up, drank a lot of water and went to sleep on my floor.  That's about it, really."

            "Yeah, but why was I there?" 

            "Not sure…the others weren't with you, dumb bastards.  You said you'd chased a Clown."

            Yamagata glanced at his fists, and saw a smear of old, brown blood across one knuckle.  "Yeah, I remember that.  He – he was on our turf…I think…"

            "You know how you got so pissed?  Was it a bet or something?"

            "No..."  Yamagata frowned, and winced because that hurt his still-tender head.  "It was – I was –"

            Voices…voices talking about Kai…

            "I dunno.  I guess I just didn't keep count or nothing.  You know, one, four, seven, eighteen…"  He grinned, but inside he was feeling shrivelled and sour, and that was guilt.  He should've said something.  Should've stopped it all.  Not just hidden behind glass after glass of devil's piss.

            _Coward.__  Stupid freak coward._

"What're you gonna do today?" he asked.

            "Stay here, I guess.  Stare at the ceiling.  I'm looking for marks that look like countries, but I've only got Africa so far.  Least, I _think it's Africa."_

Yamagata stared down at the floor.  He didn't want to look at Kai.  Kai who'd lost his friends because _someone hadn't been brave enough to speak up and stuff.  _

            And still wasn't.

            The knowledge was like a gasp inside him.  He still wasn't gonna speak up, he knew he wasn't.  And the scar was sour and sickly on his skin because he _hated _admitting he was too scared to do summat.

            But why did he need to?  There was nothing to tell now.

            Was there?

            "You?" Kai was asking him.

            "Huh?  Oh…uh, go into school…or go, um, see people, or, um, something…"

            "You off now?"

            "I s'pose…yeah."  

            "Then, um, I'd better say…"  Kai swallowed, folded his arms and stared down at the ground.              

            "I'm sorry I sabotaged your bike," he whispered.  "They're right, it was a shit thing to do.  And I coulda killed you.  But I didn't mean to.  You do know that, right?  It was just I, I was mad…and I just lost it for a moment.  And you don't have to say nothing or anything, you just have to – know, I guess.  So, um, I'll see you, okay?" 

            He moved out of the way of the door, and stood, staring at his shoes.

            In Yamagata's brain, there was a brief struggle.

            _Say it!_

_            I don't wanna say it…can't we just go?_

_            Say it…_

_            Why?_

_            Because you like him and **he** needs to know **you're sorry.  Go on, ya big moron.  **_

"I'm sorry too," he muttered.  "Shouldn't have kept it quiet like that.  Don't wanna tell now, but…I'm sorry too."

            There was a long silence.  Outside, cars hummed past the window like giant bees, and below them someone was complaining about not having the last piece of toast.

            "Thanks," Kai said at last.

            Yamagata met his eyes.

            He said, "We could –"

            "Maybe –" Kai cut in at the same time.

            The silence tightened between them like a rubber band.

            And then suddenly they were hugging each other, Kai's head resting against his chest, Kai's arms round his waist, and kissing.  Kai tasted of butter and crumbs, and the kissing was like a dam bursting or something, Yamagata hadn't realised how much he'd missed it and all he could do was take as much as he could in case it got taken away again.

            "Yeah, that's what I meant," he said.

            Kai smiled.

            "Me too," he said.                              

            They were safe now, Yamagata thought.  They hadn't even said anything much, but he knew it.  They were safe now.           

***

Chip groaned as the sun slid over his bruised, battered body.  He tried to sit up, and winced as bubbles of pain burst all over him.

            Fuck those Capsules.  Fuck all of them and _especially _that tall bastard who'd got him last night.

            He got unsteadily to his feet, and looked round.  The street was empty.  His bike lay a few feet away from him, next to a fallen dustbin, rubbish tangled round the handlebars.  His helmet was at his feet, the Clown marks painted on it scratched and dented.  

            Was it his fault he worked at the Harukiya?  Which just happened to be proper Capsule turf?  

            All the other Clowns said it was dumb to work there.  Said it was dumb to work anywhere.  But it was all right for them, weren't it?  They were all tough, they weren't a scrawny little runt like him, a scrawny little runt who needed the money because he wasn't good enough at theft and needed a seriously good bike to survive on the streets.  And they knew that was why he worked and that's why they'd laugh themselves sick when they found out he'd got jumped, _again._

And that was why he was gonna teach that Capsule jerk a lesson first chance he got.

            You'd think, wouldn't you, that such a runt wouldn't be able to do that?  Wouldn't get that chance?

            Chip smirked, stretching the bruises and cuts on his face.

            Hah, yeah, right.  He'd find the chance sooner or later.  He was smart, not like those other dumb bastards.  He was damn smart.  And he noticed things.  

            He righted his bike, and started dusting the rubbish off, the sliminess of tea bags and potato peelings oozing through his gloves.    

            And working in the Harukiya could only help.  He could find something out about that guy, stuff like he already knew about the others.  Like he knew Kaneda loved his bike like it was his kid or something and would probably have three simultaneous heart attacks if, say, it was burnt up before his baby eyes…like any idiot could see that weird Tetsuo kid was bitter as hell, jealous because everyone else was older and always told him to shut up, and sooner or later, with the right words, he'd crack and take an AK-47 to the next drinks party…

            He'd find something on the tall guy sooner or later.  

            And then – Chip winced as a spray of bruises above his ribs started to burn – then he'd use it.  Payback for this pain, in spades.  Hell, yeah.  That'd feel good, _real _good.

            The air was still fresh at the moment, the sun hadn't got round to making the world stink.  But not for long though.  Soon the city would be burning.

***

Tetsuo groaned.  Could he drink _anything without a hangover coming on the next morning?  He bet Kaneda could.  He bet Yamagata could.  But no, not him, not stupid baby Tetsuo who everyone always stamped on…_

            It's only words, he thought through the tightening band of pain slowly cutting through his skull.  It's – only – ow – words –

            It didn't _matter _that it was only words.  The point was this was no better than in the children's home.  People still thought he was this dumb little kid who could be jumped on all the time.

            Another flood of pain, and he shut his aching eyes, and wrapped the sheet around him.  

            The anger was probably just cos of the hangover.  He didn't really hate Kaneda and Yamagata and the others.  

            He just wanted to…teach them a lesson, that was all.  Just show 'em he was as cool as them.  

            Who was he kidding?  He couldn't even beat either of them in a fight, let alone do anything else.

            _But one day he would._         


	7. They Killed You

Chapter Seven – They Killed You

(All characters © Katsuhiro Otomo.  I don't own them.  No, not even Yamagata *growls*.  However, I do own Chip's character although nothing else about him.  

Crazygirl Liz, thanks for sticking up for me although I don't reckon Assassin23 is going to be back…pity *hefts iron bar thoughtfully*

Assassin23, if you _do happen to be reading this, please e-mail me to tell me to die, die, die, then I can e-mail you back instead of having to waste my review numbers and introductions on you.  Okay?  Okay.  _

Errr…this chapter involves non-graphic rape and is quite, er, bleak.  Please don't tell me I have mental problems, I know and am attempting to come to terms with it.)

Darkness bled over the sky, and dim growls of thunder echoed above the skyscrapers.  The breeze picked up a little, sending takeaway cartons and chocolate wrappers skittering along the road.

            The Harukiya was stuffy and the lights kept flickering.  Kai swallowed as he walked down the stairs.  He wasn't scared.  He just wasn't looking forward to another dose of rejection.  

            It had been two weeks since he'd made up with Yamagata, but for all that time he'd still been out of the gang.  Yamagata had figured the others needed some time to forget about what had happened and just remember how good a rider Kai was.  Then he'd tell them he'd forgiven Kai, and Kai would be let into the gang again, and everything would be great.

            It sounded a lot better as an outline than when you were actually doing it.  As an outline it had sounded like it might work.  And Kai wanted it to work.  He was glad Yamagata had forgiven him – so glad – but he wanted his friends back too.  He was spending too much time on his own.         

            He reached out, gripped the slightly sticky doorhandle, and walked into the room.

            The guys were seated at a corner table, except for Kaneda, who was skulking by the juke box.  Kai took a deep breath of the hot, alcohol-soaked air, and walked towards them.

            Yamagata looked up, saw him, called, "Hey, Kai.  Come and sit down," and ignored the puzzled looks he was receiving from everyone else.

            "Weren't you – uh – mad with him?" Tetsuo asked.

            "We sorted it out."

            "But he –"

            "I _said," _Yamagata let a hint of menace echo in his voice, "we sorted it out.  Okay?"

            Tetsuo glowered at him, and slumped back in his chair.

            Kaneda selected a song, ignored the nasty look the barman gave him, and sauntered over to the others.  "Kai?  What're you doing here?"

            "They've sorted it out," Tetsuo muttered.  "Apparently."

            "That's okay, right?"  Yamagata put on a relaxed face.  "It's just, you know…seemed dumb to let it get in the way, yadda yadda, you know.  Okay?  Okay."

            Kaneda shook his head slightly, but all he said was, "Fine.  Just don't do anything to my bike or you'll really get it.  Uh – or anyone else's, of course."

            "I won't," Kai said.  "Honest.  It was just…um…a phase I was going through."

            _Or something._

He hadn't even asked Yamagata if they could tell the real reason.  He'd just get a no, and he wasn't risking this relationship-thingy-whatever again.  But he still wanted to.  Yamagata seemed to think it would be so terrible, but Kai was sick of feeling like he was watching the others from behind glass.

            But he'd compromise, and keep his mouth shut.   

The evening wore on.  Most of the gang seemed a little confused – when they spoke to Kai, there was still a strong air of _I don't think you should be here – _but Kaneda was friendly enough, and Yamagata was talking to him and that made everything okay again.

            Except that he'd really like to be doing _other _things with Yamagata.  Really, really like to.  And the wanting was making him itchy, and sort of hungry only not in a food way.  He'd got out of practice, only seeing Yamagata when they were on their own, getting used to being able to kiss him without worrying about other people… 

            Finally he couldn't stand it any more.

            "Yamagata?  Uh…could you, um come outside with me?  There's something I need to tell you."

            "Uh-oh," Tetsuo muttered.

            Yamagata gave him a nasty look, then got to his feet.  "Sure.  Back in a minute, guys."

            "You look too interesting," he hissed to Kai as they reached the door.  "You keep making me forget what I was gonna say to people.  Forgot how hard it was seeing you when the guys are around."

            "Same here."

            They hurried up the stairs, and out into the night air.  More thunder growled above them as they ducked into the alleyway to the side of the Harukiya, and started kissing like it was a competition.

Chip glanced at his watch.  He'd get out of here early.  The gang would be wanting to ride out, and Joker didn't like latecomers.  He'd lurk a little longer, see what info he could pick up from the Capsules, but not too long; he didn't want to get his ass kicked for keeping the others waiting.  

            He took a firm grip on the case of bottles he was carrying, and walked up out of the cellar, into the pre-stormy air of the night.  Great, the weather was looking bad.  Knowing his luck, it would pour later, and that lazy jerk of a barman would then ask him to go down this alley a zillion times to pick up more cases.  

            He was just about to walk round to the back door of the Harukiya when he saw the couple kissing at the entrance to the alley, and stopped, sniggering.  Geez, they were going at it all right.  If they actually started fucking against the wall, he'd get the camera.  He needed a laugh.

            A car rushed past the alley, and for a moment the walls and the people in it lit up with the flare of headlights.

            And Chip saw the couple's faces.  He felt his mouth twist like he'd eaten a lemon.  Two _guys _kissing; that just looked wrong –

            But not just any guys.  Those two, the tall one he hated and the little kid whose bike they'd taken.

            This could be it.  This could be the info he needed.  And even if it wasn't…even if the tall guy didn't care shit for the little one (and he looked like he was enjoying himself enough), this could still be the night they finally got some _good _revenge.

            He'd watch, and he'd listen, and then he'd head back to Star Bowl and alert his pals.  Most of the Clowns would be riding out, but some of them wanted – specific revenge.  Just like he did.

            Creeping so he didn't disturb them, he slunk away, back into the Harukiya.

Eventually, Kaneda put down his empty glass, gave a last hopeful look at the jukebox, and said, "Let's go."

            "Go where?"

            "Out.  At this rate the Clowns're gonna think we're giving 'em back the streets."

            "What about him?" Tetsuo asked, indicating Kai.

            Kaneda shrugged.  "Kai?"

            "Nah, I'll…go back.  Not much I can do, is there?"  He didn't want to, he wanted to be part of the group again.  Seemed all the time he was being different.

            "You can start looking for a new bike is what you can do," Kaneda said.  "But okay.  See you tomorrow, then."  

            They got up, and headed towards the doors.  Yamagata pulled Kai to the back of the group, and said, "Don't go home.  Come to my place, okay?  It's nearer.  And when I get back, we can…uh…hang out or something."

            "Sure.  Sounds great."

            Yamagata nodded, keeping his face normal, the face you'd use to talk to someone who was just a friend.  Then he clutched Kai's hand for a moment, and whispered, "I, uh…I'm glad we made up."

            "Me too."  Kai felt a huge grin spread over his face.  He'd got his friends back, and Yamagata still liked him.  He loved this night, every bit of it.  

            Except for the rain, of course.  It was pouring, sheets of it rushing over the pavement and pooling at the top of the Harukiya steps, turning the air damp and steamy.  The storm had come at last.  Kai sighed, and stepped out into it, calling goodbye to the others.

Chip watched him vanish into the damp city.  Then he scurried back into the Harukiya, and made for the scratched, gum-stained payphone.

            "Hey, it's me, Chip…he's just left…the others're gonna ride out, but he's walking someplace, down through Chuo Street, I think…Yeah, I'll be there soon as I can, that little punk deserves everything he gets…yeah, see ya."

Neo-Tokyo dripped.  The rain rushed down the gutters, sweeping the rubbish along, oozed over the billboards and advert screens, diluted a thousand pools of petrol, rattled on the roofs of a million grid-locked cars.  It speckled the goggles of the Capsules as they roared away from the Harukiya, and it pattered on the helmets and masks of the Clowns as they left the Star Bowl.

            Kai shivered as it sent icy needles through his jacket.  He'd be glad to get inside, get undercover.

            _You mean under **the **covers.  You and Yamagata…don't pretend you wouldn't enjoy it, _muttered a dirty-minded part of his brain.

            He grinned, and let it mutter.  Finally, for once, he didn't feel lonely.  He felt liked.  He felt cared for.  He felt –  

            Suddenly there was a clatter from the alley on his left.  He glanced at it, and then froze.  

No.  No way.  That would just make the day _too _perfect.

            His bike.  His bike stood there, slightly damp, but not battered, not broken, shining in the lights of the headlamps as cars rushed past them.  Kai ran towards it.  Yes.  It was undoubtedly his.  Three weeks absence, but it was still his.  

            Grinning, he took hold of the handlebars.  They fit his fingers.  Indeed, getting close to it was like putting on a favourite shirt.  Comfortable and unsurprising and trusting.

Suddenly he heard footsteps.  He turned, and then someone slammed their fist into his face, and he stumbled back against the bike.  Blinking through the shock, he saw about three heavy figures block out the sea of cars and lights at the entrance to the alleyway.  

            Then he saw their masks, and the patterns on their helmets.  It was the Clowns.  

Yamagata squinted as Neo-Tokyo's lights roared past him.  Soon the Clowns would leap out from somewhere, and the real battle would begin, but for now they were just waiting.  So while most of his mind concentrated on riding, one part was free to wander.  Normally it didn't – normally he was too high on adrenaline to let it – but tonight, tonight the coming chase didn't seem that important.  Just a vague smear on his life before the sharp, clear colours of seeing Kai again.  

            Geez, he sounded so sappy.  But come on.  Them getting back together had just underlined how much he'd missed him before.  Only it was better now.  Now he could trust him.  

            He'd have to, because they were going out again, and you had to trust someone when you were like that with them.  Like, you had to trust them when they said they weren't going to tell anyone.  

            Kai still minded about that, you could tell, but there was _no way _Yamagata was gonna tell the other guys

            _You're still scared…_

No.  It wasn't that.  But he _liked having friends, and for another…for another he didn't want them laughing at this…relationship-thing.  Or saying it was sick.  Or whatever.  Because it was special.  It was special, and it was _his.  _With girls he'd boasted about it like they all did, because it was scoring, wasn't it?  But this…it wasn't anything to do with scores.  It was probably a minus number or something.  And yet he still wanted it.  He wanted it loads.  _

            And so that was why he'd asked Kai to come to his place tonight, and that was why he could feel a permanent smile curled up on his face, and that was why bashing the Clowns didn't really seem that important now.

"Gotcha."

            "Where the hell did you get my bike?" Kai yelled.

            "We picked it up after you dodged out on us.  You remember that, right?  This time you ain't dodging."

            "Fuck you."  Kai got to his feet, trying to ignore the trembling of his knees.  "You guys are nothing but a bunch of freaks."  Think, think, how to get out of the alleyway?  They were blocking it completely, and they'd expect him to make a run for it through them.  Oh help…oh help…

            Don't panic, he thought, and then the sentence was shattered as one of them rushed forward and hit him again.  Even as the pain started to seep into his body, he was able to turn, slam his fist into the guy's jaw, and there was a howl.  He started to run for the exit, but one of the others caught him, and clutched his throat with fingers like pork chops.  The lights skidded and bled as his air started to fade, but he made out the other two, circling, their fists breaking into the rest of him as he choked.  Then, with one frantic kick, his foot met the other guy's groin – there was a yelp – and suddenly he could breathe, and he stumbled, and the world, and the road, wavered as he tried to run towards it.

            And ran into someone, a someone who caught his shirt and punched him again.  One of the others laughed.  "Good one, Chip."

            Chip, what a stupid name, the last rational part of his brain thought, just before he was hit again, thrown backwards, down onto the damp, gritty ground.

            They stood around him, surrounded him, and they were covered in darkness and he could hardly see the road any more.

            "Told you that bike'd come in useful."

            "Yeah.  Don't tell Joker, though.  Hear that?"  One of them kicked him, and his brain sighed and started noting down more pain.  "Joker wanted to smash it, but we're smart enough not to."

            He wanted to panic.  He wanted to be frightened, and cry, and beg.  But he wasn't going to.  This would just be…pain.  Some dumb old pain.  He could handle that.

            The guy kicked him again.  "Lost your tongue down there?"

            "Maybe he left it in his boyfriend's throat."

            Kai choked on the blood oozing in his mouth.  _Huh?  _How the hell did this sleazebag know about Yamagata and him?  

            "What d'you mean, Chip?"

            "I saw 'em, playing tonsil hockey outside the Harukiya.  That tall guy, you know."

            "The one who jumped you that time?"

            "Yeah."

            "What, so the Capsules are a bunch of queers?"

            "Sure looks that way, don't it?"

            Hysterical laughter and horrible words, but he didn't care about that either, he could get through this, he knew it…didn't he?

            "So what do we do now?  What do you think, Chip?  You're the one who's got problems with his _boyfriend."_

            "You all know what they like."  That was Chip again, he was pretty sure, but whoever was saying it, it didn't matter, because suddenly he was cold, cold with horror, and he had to get out of here, because otherwise – and then the sentence dwindled away into a black screaming fear, and he couldn't think through it.  

            "It's not like he's even a real rider, right?  With riders, you rough 'em up a little.  He ain't a rider, not now.  He's like one of those dumb chicks who cling onto the back.  So let's fuck his brains out."

The world screamed with rain.  Yamagata could feel it oozing over his skin, and drips from his hair ran down his face and dangled at the corner of his eyes.  He parked his bike at the back of the dorms, then unlocked the front door, and stepped into the silent hallway.  It was nine-thirty.  He hoped Kai hadn't been too bored, that was all.

            The stairs creaked as he crept up them.  He reached his bedroom, stepped inside.

            It was dark.  Rain cracked against the window, and the city lights sent shadows flying out over the floor.

            "Kai?"

            That was odd.  Where the hell could he be?  No bike, and the Harukiya was only about ten or fifteen minutes away.  He should be here.  

            Yamagata tried to tell himself he was only annoyed.  But he was lying, because suddenly he felt as cold and confused as the rain.  What the hell was going on?

He remembered rain.  It was really beating down now, heavy on him like buckets of water.

            He remembered grit and dirt, smearing his face, icy as it seeped through the front of his shirt.

            He remembered laughter, laughter he yearned to break and tear and force down its owners' throats.

            And pain.  Pain he wasn't going to admit to.  Pain he wasn't going to remember.  So he gritted his teeth, and forced his thoughts into one sentence only, so that he could keep all the frightened ones and the crying ones and the begging ones out.  _Screw you, you fucking bastards…screw you, you fucking bastards…_

His rational mind shook its head at the irony.

            "Hey, Chip, is he still awake?"

            Chip had been standing, staring down at him.  Now he squatted down, lifted Kai's head, and their eyes met.

            It was a shock to see a face.  For too long he'd been used to seeing only feet.  Chip's eyes and skin glistened in the headlights from outside the alley, and he was breathing quickly as he watched what was going on in front of him.

            His fingers seemed to freeze Kai's skin, damp, slimy –

            _You went first I don't want you touching me –_

He wanted to keep his head up, stare Chip in the eye and show him he wasn't afraid, that this was doing nothing to him.  But he couldn't, and as pain bit deeper, slammed him further and further into the darkness, he let his head fall forward so that he stared at the ground, and bit down harder on his lower lip so that he could focus on that hurt instead, and tried not to notice Chip's snigger.

            The Clown let go of him, straightened up.  

            "Oh, he's awake all right," he said, a grin in his voice, and shifted position, his boots splashing through puddles.  "Hey, you enjoying the mud down there?  Guess you don't look so smart now."

            He skimmed his foot along the ground, sending a spatter of rain water into Kai's face.  But it didn't matter.  He was covered in so much wet and dirt now it felt like he'd been swimming in it.

            Pain again –

            And again –

            _This is going to go on forever –_

He nearly screamed then, and quickly bit down on it, and started thought-whispering desperately.

            _Screw you you fucking bastards –_  

The payphone in the hallway was dusty, and the hallway itself was dark and cold.  Lightning jumped on it once or twice, or maybe that was just flickering streetlamps.  Anyway, it jumped, making spiky, sharp shadows from the dying pot plant and broken blinds.

            Yamagata rocked on his heels as he listened to the phone ring.  Kaneda mightn't even be back yet.  But it was ten p.m. now, and he wasn't just uneasy, he was scared.

            "Hello?" 

            It was some chick.  He swallowed.

            "Can I speak to Kaneda?  Please?"

            "I'll just see if he's in his room.  Hang on…"

            Footsteps, walking away from him, leaving him alone.  He was shaking and he couldn't stop.  And his thoughts had gone nuts – _oh Kai oh Kai oh please be all right, please, please –_

"Who is it?"

            "Kaneda?  It's Yamagata."

            "Uh…hi.  Um…why're you calling?"

            "I just wondered…you seen Kai tonight?"

            "Thought he was supposed to be with you.  Didn't you say to him to come round?"

            Kaneda sounded so calm.  Yamagata wished so bad he could be too.

            "Yeah…and he ain't here.  And it's like three hours since he left the Harukiya."

            "Well…maybe he went to find some fun or something."

            "On foot?  Without us?"

            "I guess…"  Kaneda sighed.  "You think…something happened to him?"

            "I…yeah.  Yeah, I do."

            "Okay.  I'll get my bike, and see you at your place in five."

_Screw you, you fucking bastards…_

_            Screw you, you fucking bastards…_

Over and over again, with his eyes jammed shut and his teeth digging into his lip.  He'd been like this for so long, years it seemed, years and years, and so his mind wasn't really noticing his body any more, it had curled up and slept while they hurt the rest of him.  And every time he thought he couldn't go on…he'd have to scream or something…he said that phrase again, and it froze the misery, stopped it in its tracks.  He had a whole throatful of frozen pains now.

            _Screw you…_

_            Screw –_

Wait.

            Had it stopped?  He gingerly let himself feel, just a bit, just a little.  Feel and hear.

            "See ya, honey!"

            "Real good lay!  Call me!"

            And laughter.  So much laughter.

            And the roar of engines.  

            And then…

            Then…silence.

            He waited some more, and some more, in case this was a trick, in case they were hanging around to see what he'd do.  

            Then he sat up a little, and still nothing happened.  The cars roared past him at the end of the alleyway, burning through his eyes into his pounding head, punches of light.  

            And then he dressed himself again, his hands frozen with damp and shaking too much, and still nothing happened.

            And then – then everything seemed to go twisty and echoey, and he felt sick to his stomach a moment as the world hopped on its axis.  

            And then he was back on the ground again, the rain cold-slicing on his face, seeping through his already soaked shirt.  But still nothing happened.

"Kai?"

            "Kai, where are you?"

            Yamagata and Kaneda walked down the street, their feet splashing through the shards of puddle round the paving stones.  

            "Harukiya's that way, right?" Kaneda asked.  "So he'd have walked down this road."

            "Uh-huh."  Yamagata didn't want to look into the shadows around him.  You didn't know – you didn't want to know – what you might see – what might have happened –

            "Kai!" Kaneda hollered again.  "Just answer, okay?"

            _If he can answer – no, don't think like that, he's okay, he's gotta be…_

Yamagata swallowed, and was glad of the rain.  Any tears could be blamed on it.

            They were getting close to the Harukiya.  If they got to it and they still hadn't found him…Yamagata shuddered.  What the hell'd they do then?  

            _Maybe he's back home now…maybe he's waiting for me…_

That was a stupid idea, a dumb dream, but it was so nice…it would be so, so nice…

            The alley was on their right, and Kaneda had stopped to look into it, while Yamagata stared at the puddles round his feet, and tried to stay calm.

            Then Kaneda said, "I – I think – yeah, his bike's in there!  And – oh, shit –"

            Yamagata turned and stared into the alley himself.  It was blocked with thick darkness, but then a car rushed past, tore the dark away a moment – and he saw, lying on the ground, a small, skinny figure, and he _knew._

"Kai!"

            He ran over to him, knelt down, and yes, it was him, but suddenly he was crying because he was so horrified.  Blood, blood diluted by rain, Kai's face was swollen, twisted, muddy, and he'd bitten so hard on his lower lip that more blood had oozed down his chin.  Yamagata touched his face, and it was cold, and suddenly he was screaming.

Kai was freezing.  The cold had eaten its way into him and was trying to split him in half.  He felt like he'd drowned.

            Maybe he had.  Maybe this was death.

            Then who else had died?  Why were they crying out like that?

            No…he knew that voice…

            Slowly, he began to rise upwards, towards the faint sound.

            Another voice now.  

            "Calm down, dammit…calm down…"

            And hands, damp, firm hands, tilting his head gently to the side, touching the point at his jaw where he dimly remembered a pulse.

            "He's alive.  He's alive…"

            "Kai…"

            "Look, he just got jumped, okay?  Yamagata, you gotta calm down!  You're like hysterical!  Now listen.  If he's real hurt, we need to go call an ambulance –"

            _No.  _Ambulance people were smart.  They'd figure out what had happened, and he couldn't let them.

            He forced his eyes open, and saw light rippling on rainwater.

            "Kai?"

            Two people, both crouching by him.  Kaneda, looking determined, tense, and…

            Yamagata.  So frightened, suddenly so _young_.  Kai tried to get up, to hug him and tell him it was okay, but he couldn't seem to move properly.

            "Kai," Kaneda said.  "You all right?"

            He shook his head before he could think, before he could decide to pretend.

            "I think we should go call –"

            Kai tried to sit up.  He was fine.  He was fine.  He just hurt.  He hurt –

            "No…I'm all right…" he whispered, and flecks of blood fell from his face as he spoke.

            His throat rasped, ached like he'd torn it.  He remembered, in horrible detail, choking when they'd kicked him in the stomach – to uncurl him – to get the jump on him – it had happened – it had really happened –

            "The Clowns?" Kaneda said.

            He nodded.

            "Bastards.  Don't worry, we'll fix 'em, we'll fix 'em good."

            "Don't…"  Kai swallowed, and tried to remember more words.  "Don't tell…don't call anyone…I'm fine…"

            "You are _not," _Kaneda said.  "Where'll you go if not hospital?"

            "He…he could come home with me," Yamagata said slowly, and Kai saw tears on his face, shiny in the lights.  "It's not far…I could look after him, and then if there was something wrong I could call."

            "Okay," Kaneda said.  "Let's go."

            That walk seemed so crazy, like a bad dream…cars roaring and rain hissing like banshees in his ears.  When he tried to stand up, he hurt so much he nearly fell, and the other two had to hold him by the arms to stop him.  And the lights were so bright and yet underneath everything was still dark, always dark.  Sometimes the pain rose up and up and up until it seemed like it would burst out of him like a bloodstained plant, but then it subsided again, then he could feel other things, like the water seeping through his shoes, like Yamagata's hand, warm and frightened, on his arm.  But even that didn't stop the cold.  It tore through him viciously like waves trying to shatter his skin.

            "I'll…um, get back then," said Kaneda as they stood at the doorway of Yamagata's room.  "You look like you need some sleep, Kai."

            Kai wanted to respond, but he couldn't think how to, so he just kept staring at the skirting board, which was grubby and speckled with acne-like graffiti.

            Yamagata nodded.  "Thanks."

            "No problem.  Just call if you need me, I am always here…"  He grinned, and walked down into the darkness at the bottom of the stairs.

            Yamagata pushed open the door, helped Kai into the dark room, and flicked on the light, which sent a feeble dribble of light over a few square foot of ceiling.

            "Kai?" he said.  "Um – you wanna sleep, or what?  You ought to put some dry clothes on or summat, you could catch…hypoallergica or whatever it is."

            Hypothermia, Kai thought but didn't say, and a shiver rattled through his body.  He could feel dirt and blood sticking to his face.

            And his skin was crawling, wriggling away from him.  It didn't want to be near someone that had had this happen to them.  He couldn't blame it.  He didn't want to be near someone like that either.

            "Can I…have a shower?" he asked.  He was a little shocked at how flat he sounded.  How dead.

            "Yeah, sure…bathroom's down the corridor, third on the right."

            Yamagata was frightened.  Kai knew it.  But he couldn't say whatever would make the other guy _not _frightened.  Whatever he said was just going to make them all feel worse.

The bathroom was dark.  The bulb had been smashed, and rain spat against the small, grubby window, grinning with the streetlights.  

            Kai suddenly didn't want to get undressed.  Outside the storm and the darkness moaned and rattled to come in.  

            A hiss of a car on a damp road –

            A memory yowled behind his eyes and suddenly he was gritting his teeth against some threat he couldn't even see.

            Taking your clothes off was too dangerous –

            He walked over to the sink, ran some icy water into it and washed his face.  Specks of dirt and blood speckled the cracked porcelain, and the water glinted as he stared at it.  

            His face in the mirror didn't look like him any more; it was like one of them was a stranger.  And yet it had to be him, who else was it?  

            Looked like he'd drowned, his skin pale and frozen, set into stillness like a mask.  His eyes suddenly so dark and the only part that still looked real.  His face didn't want to tell anyone anything, that had to be it.  His face was keeping the secret.

Only how could it when the rest of him gave it away?  Even in the dark he could see the mud and water smearing and soaking his shirt and tie and jacket.  He liked keeping clean.  He liked looking neat.  He knew that and so did everyone else, and going around all dirty would be like hanging a sign round his neck saying _Something Weird Happened – _

_Guess you don't look so smart now_

            And the dirt had soaked through his clothes and stuck to his skin, and then sunk through that and filled his insides.  If they chopped him down the middle it'd be like bursting a bottle of scummy water.  And it hurt –

He couldn't walk back into Yamagata's room with that all over him.  It wouldn't be fair…it would be like – like contamination.  It would hurt Yamagata too.  He had to take a shower, get out of his soaked clothes, put on the pyjamas Yamagata had loaned him and be normal again.  No sweat.  He'd done that sort of stuff a bunch of times.

            So why did it suddenly seem so hard?  

            He didn't want to do anything.  He just wanted to curl up, shut his eyes against the dark, and _not move.  _Movement would mean admitting he was alive and part of the world.  And if he admitted that, he'd have to admit what happened.  To be part of the world meant to be part of its people too.  He'd have to tell people – 

            _No!_

            Thunder again and suddenly he was trying to cry out.  He clenched his fists and forced the sound away, back down into the darkness, and took a deep breath.

            "Oh, great," he said to himself.  "Now you're scared of the weather?  That really is pathetic.  Look.  Just – just get on with it and then you can get out of here."

            _I can't…I don't want to do anything…_

            So you're gonna stay here all night?  

            _Better than having to see any people –_

They scared you that much?

            _Screw you, you fucking bastards –_

And that made his thoughts freeze again, and he could move.  

            His jacket was heavy with rain, and it oozed water when he dropped it onto the floor.  Under his sleeves his arms ached, and bruises were starting to swell on them like ghosts, and he _wouldn't _remember how he'd got the bruises, he wouldn't – he wouldn't –

            He'd liked these clothes.  They'd been comfortable, safe, trustworthy, and now they'd betrayed him because they knew too much.  Knowledge and memory spilled down them in rain.

            The shower water was icy cold, but it did get the grime off.  Froze it off more like, froze it and numbed him.  Numb was good.  But the pain was still there, just not so strong.  And he felt so horribly different.  Like he'd just been almost killed, or like – something else – had happened –

            The wrongness wouldn't come off his skin.  He tried not to care, clenched his teeth and repeated his mantra over and over again.  Finally he stepped out of the shower, knowing it hadn't helped a bit.

            Yamagata's pyjamas were warm, and about three sizes too big for him.  They covered his feet and hands.  He wrapped his arms around himself, and tried to remember how he felt about the owner of these clothes.  But he couldn't.  The feelings were too far away.

The rain had stopped, leaving a clear, silent night.  

            The room was silent too.  Streetlights rushed across the walls every so often.  Kai was still awake – Yamagata could see him – and the lights glinted in his eyes.

            _Ask him what happened._

I can't.  Anyway, I know what happened.  They jumped him and beat him up like the cowardly bastards they are.  I don't need – I don't want any gory details, thanks.

            _You know something else happened, because he's so quiet.  They've hurt him somehow, hurt him really really bad._

I don't want to know.  I don't want to know any of it.

            He was leaning against the wall, looking down at Kai, who was curled up in his bed.  Their eyes must have met any number of times, but Kai's never flickered.

            _Like he's a ghost._

Yamagata yawned, and shivered at the thought.  What if it was a ghost?  What if they'd never actually found him, what if he was dead and this was just some weird-ass hallucination?  Or a dream, because he'd been so scared – so desperate –

            No.  Stop it, this was just weird and stupid.  Kai wasn't dead, he was here and everything was all right.

            He glanced at Kai's silent, dull eyes.

            _No it isn't._

            He sat down against the wall, and wondered if the night was ever gonna end.  Maybe they'd just stay in here for ever and ever.  Maybe they were _both _dead.

            Weird and stupid again.  But thoughts like this woke up when it was dark.

            His eyes felt better closed, and the blackness didn't change much anyway.  He didn't like looking at Kai, it was worrying him too much, so he sat blind, and listened to him breathe instead so that he'd know the guy was still there.

Weird and stupid…weird and stupid…

            In his head, he was asking Kai what had happened, trying to find out, and Kai wouldn't tell him.  And then he said _I know what they did to you.  They killed you, didn't they? _and Kai shook his head, but his face was grey and Yamagata knew it was dead, and then as he cried out, Kai started screaming.  And somehow the screams led Yamagata out from his dream room back into his real room – but didn't stop – Kai's eyes were closed, but he still yelled –

            "Stop it, please, please I'll do anything oh, please, just stop it, _stop it!"_

And then he gasped, and then gritted his teeth as if he'd said too much, and then started sobbing, harsh painful sobs that were like bullets in Yamagata's ears.

            "Kai," he called, reaching up to him, "Kai, wake up!  You gotta wake up, it's a dumb dream, that's all.  Wake up!"

            He shook him, gently, and Kai blinked, and opened his eyes, and looked round to stare at Yamagata.

            "A dream?" he said.  

            "Uh-huh."

            "Oh, shit…"  Kai sat up a little, rubbed Yamagata's too-large pyjama sleeve across his face.  "Oh, _shit.  _I thought – I thought it was real…I couldn't speak, you see?  If I did, I'd let them win.  But I couldn't – I couldn't keep quiet…not this time…and I thought…"

            "Yeah, but it's only a dream.  So it didn't matter."  Yamagata climbed up onto the bed.  "Dreams suck."

            What did they do? he wanted to ask.  Only now a horrible idea was growing inside him, an idea sick and clammy when you thought of it, an idea he really, _really _wanted to be wrong about.

            Kai crawled over to Yamagata, rested his head against his chest.  He was still crying slightly, little sobs that shook his shoulders. 

            "Sorry," he said at last.  

            "What for?"  Yamagata put an arm round him, stroked his shoulder blades.

            "Waking you up."

            "I don't mind.  My dreams sucked too."

            _What happened?  What did they do to you?_

"Kai," he said.  "Uh…you know, I don't wanna upset you…but…what did they do?  Why're you so…wrecked?  You been in fights before…"

            Kai drew a deep breath, but then was silent.  He didn't pull away though, so Yamagata took that as a good sign, and kissed his forehead while he waited.

            Then Kai broke free, and sat, staring down at the shadows of the blankets, and sighed. 

            "You don't want to know," he said.  "And it ain't important, and I'm fine.  And you'll be mad.  And it's dumb anyway."

            "Course I want to know.  I got to know."

            Kai clenched his fists, gripping folds of the blankets in each one.

            "They fucked me," he said at last.

            For a moment Yamagata couldn't take it in.  Then, slowly, coldly, it began to seep through his mind, and he found himself trembling.

            He'd thought – but he hadn't actually _believed –_

            "They beat me up, and then they took turns fucking my brains out," Kai said, and his voice was cold and he was gripping the blankets tighter and tighter.  "They said I wasn't a biker, I was more like a girl who rides on the back of one.  And we all know what they do to _girls_ like that."

            "Why?" Yamagata whispered.  "Why – why'd they say that?  They –"

            "They knew," Kai said.  "They knew about us.  They'd seen us."

            Yamagata tried to hold down the feelings – rage, horror, shock, he didn't know what – that were rising up into his throat.

            "No," he said.  "Please…no."

            "Look, I think I know whether it happened or not!" Kai yelled, turning to face him.  "I think I can guess what's going on when that sort of thing happens!  I didn't exactly lie there in that damn alley and think, hey, let's make up a _really _good story to freak the others out with!"

            He choked for breath, and the blanket tightened between his hands, and then he carried on speaking, voice thick with rage.

            "But, you know, when four drug-crazed bikers decide to leap on you, there's not much you can do!  So sorry.  I can't tell you it didn't happen, I can't tell you it was all a dream, because that's what _I _want, and let me tell you, it's not gonna happen!  I want it really, really bad, and it's not gonna happen, and, and it never will!"

            Then he buried his face in his sleeves, and sank down into the bed.

            "Kai?" Yamagata whispered.  "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I didn't mean it like that, I just didn't want it to be true.  Please, Kai?  I'm sorry…"

            Kai turned to look at him.  His face was shiny with tears and bruises.

            "It's okay," he whispered at last.  "I know…"

            He put an arm round Yamagata.

            "Stay here?" he whispered.  "I know the bed's kind of small, but…just stay, just be here…"

            "Course I will."

            "Nothing else.  Not exactly the right time, huh?"  He laughed slightly, or maybe it was another sob.  "It's just…you're nice and warm…"

            "Just call me your hot-water bottle," Yamagata said.  He kissed him again, and then lay there, waiting, while Kai's eyes slowly closed.  

His own eyes wouldn't, not any more.  So he lay, watching the streetlights jump across the ceiling, and listening to the roar and music of cars, far away, and Kai's slow breathing.  

It was so _dark _tonight.  And so…not lonely, something else…so painful.  He couldn't remember ever feeling this sorry and angry over someone else.  It was like he'd been punched, really, really hard, and it wouldn't stop hurting.

Eventually he slept again, but his dreams were confused, his room and the Clowns and Kai and rain and bikes all mixed up together and bubbling in his brain.  He woke several times, and each time had to check that Kai was still there, still next to him, that nothing horrible had happened.  Well, nothing more horrible.  One time, Kai had woken up too, his eyes screaming, and they'd both stared at each other, and just hugged, for a long time, until Kai had fallen asleep again.  And Yamagata had gazed down at him and thought how weird it was that he cared so much about this guy.  Just another person, it was, and yet he'd do anything for him – anything – and especially anything that got rid of tonight and turned it into nothing more than a dream, a stupid, horrible dream…

And then, finally, he opened his eyes, and it was morning.

            Kai was still asleep, looking like a kid curled up in the blankets.  A kid with a really shit home life, that was.  At the sight of the bruises, which had come up during the night, Yamagata felt rage, tight in his hands and arms and round his chest.  He'd _kill_ those Clowns.  He'd go find 'em and kill 'em, beat them over and over again until their skulls cracked and their teeth flew all over the pavement like snow.  He'd kill them.  They deserved it.  

            _They did it because of…us._

The anger carried him along, telling him that that just made 'em dumb bastards as well as evil violent bastards.  Dumb rapist bastards – but he didn't like thinking that second word, because applying it to Kai was just horrible.  But deep down – deep down – 

            _Freaks, bad people, not real boys, they deserve whatever they get –_

No one deserved this!

            _It wasn't our fault.  It wasn't._

            But they'd seen him and Kai, together.  Someone had actually seen them.  Someone – well, four someones, Kai had said – _four! – _knew that they were…knew what they were.  And he was frightened again, someone had stood and watched them and he hadn't even noticed.  Oh, they were in trouble.  They were in big trouble.

            No.  He wouldn't let those Clowns scare him.  He'd never let the Clowns scare him before and he wasn't starting now.  _He wasn't scared.  _Maybe it was okay to be scared of your parents – and his scar nipped at his skin – but not just a bunch of two-bit crackheads.  No way.

            But he should've noticed them watching.  Then maybe he could have stopped it…

            _I wish I could've stopped it…_

            Kai yawned, and his blackened eyes flickered open.    

            "Hey," Yamagata called.  "Uh…how are you?"

            Kai considered a moment, then said, "Less tired."

            "You…gonna get up?"

            "I guess I should."

            He climbed out of bed, slowly, wincing as he did; ran a hand through his tangled hair, and picked up his clothes, which they'd put on the radiator the night before.  

            "Don't tell the others," he said, still staring at the clothes.

            "Ain't that my line?"

            "I mean it," Kai snapped.  "I don't wanna talk about it.  I don't want them asking why."

            "But – I thought it happened cos –"

            "Exactly."  Kai spat out the word.  "They don't like fags.  So if our lot had come across a pair of gay Clowns, what would they've done?"

            "They – they wouldn't –"

            "How'd you know?  You're the one who said you didn't want to tell them before, you didn't know how they'd act.  And now I don't want to tell them either.  So we agree.  Ain't that nice?"

            "But…"  He stopped, confused.  No, he didn't want to tell.  "You…"

            "I know I used to want to tell.  But then I didn't know what some people do when they find out that stuff."

            "So you're scared, now?" Yamagata said, and winced as he heard the meanness in his voice, because why shouldn't Kai be scared?  

            _You're scared too and he's got it much worse than you now, at least dad never did nothing like that._

            Kai tensed, and bit his lip.

            "Yeah," he said.  "Yeah, I am.  Wouldn't you be?"

            "I – I guess…but…"

            "I don't get it.  Why are you suddenly changing your mind?"  Kai dropped his clothes back onto the radiator, and sighed.  "You were so positive we had to keep it secret."

            "I…yeah…I just…you know."

            I'm changing my mind because we're keeping it secret…because we _are_ scared…the Clowns have made him scared and he never used to be…and I hate letting other bastards win…

            But the thoughts were too thin and flickery to make into words, so he kept them quiet.  And the scar reminded him he didn't want to tell either.  That he wasn't allowed to tell.

            _But I don't let anyone else tell me what to do…_

That thought was very faint, just a whisper, but he heard it all the same.

            Kai shook his head.

            "Hey, you know what?" he said.  "Actually, I – I don't feel like getting up after all…I think I'll…just stay in bed a little while."

            "Why?"

            "Quit asking _questions _all the time!" Kai yelled.  "I just do, is all!"  He drew a deep, shaking breath.  "See?  This is why we can't tell 'em…they'd be in fucking hysterics if they knew a bunch of dumb Clowns had made me – made me too scared to get dressed…"

            He swallowed, and rubbed a hand across his eyes.

            "Go on," he snapped.  "Laugh if you want, but I never want to wear those clothes again, I don't want them touching me, I can't – and – and –"

            Yamagata wanted to go and break something because the anger hurt so much, but he tried to hide it, and spoke in a normal, if slightly tense voice.

            "I ain't laughing.  I'll go round to your place, if you want.  Get you some others.  You wouldn't want to wear those anyway.  They're all dirty."

            "Yeah.  Yeah, that's it."  Kai slumped down onto the bed, stared at his bare feet.  "Shit, I feel so dumb!"

            "Why?"

            "I shouldn't…be like this.  You know that."

            "You wouldn't be if they just slapped you around a bit, but they didn't.  And that's why we gotta tell _something _to the others.  They're bound to guess…or they'll just assume you're freaking out for no reason."

            Kai didn't answer.  He just sat, staring.  Yamagata longed to hold him, to kiss him, to try and make him smile like them kissing had done before.  Give him back the expression he'd had when they'd walked out of the Harukiya.  But it was like Kai was behind glass.  Or _made _of glass, one of those statues you didn't touch unless you wanted to accidentally smash it and get yelled at.

            "Kai?" he said at last, sitting down next to him.  "Uh…do you…are we…"

            "What're you trying to say?"

            "Do we have to go back to being just friends?"  Yamagata spilled the words out as fast as he could, because he didn't like them at all.  "I mean, you know, couple stuff mayn't be, like, the best thing for you right now…"

            Kai looked at him a moment, then shook his head.

            "Not friends," he said.  "We couldn't ever be just friends.  But…I dunno…"

            He wriggled a little closer to Yamagata, took his hand.

            "I keep thinking about it," he said.  "And then – then feeling really sick.  And that doesn't exactly make me feel like…doing anything else with you…but…I don't just want to be friends, no way.  I – just don't leave me.  Please…"

            "Course I won't leave you, you prat."  Yamagata lifted their clasped hands.  "See?  I can stand not doing stuff.  I'll just hang around and be real boring."

            Kai laughed, and suddenly hugged him.  

            "That'll be cool," he whispered.  "That'll be really cool."

            Suddenly there was a bang on the door, and Kaneda's voice, yelling, "Yamagata?  Kai?  You in there?"

            The two of them jumped apart, and Yamagata got to his feet.  

            Outside on the landing stood Tetsuo, Kaneda, and the rest of the gang.  

            "We came to see how Kai was," Kaneda said.  "Did you have to pack him off to hospital?"

            "Nah.  He was…fine."

            Lying was getting so hard these days.

            "I guess you wanna come in?"  He stood back, and let them file into his room.  

            Kai looked up as everyone entered, and swallowed.  "Hey, guys."

            "Hey."  Kaneda leant on the front of the bed.  "So, uh, how are you?"

            "Fine."

            "You don't look fine," Tetsuo said.  "You look like you got hit in the face with a wrecking ball."

            "Well, I am fine.  Bruises look worse than they are, okay?"

            "So…can you come out riding tonight?" Kaneda asked.

            "I have a bike?"

            "Yup."  Kaneda smirked.  "I drove yours home after we found you.  And I'm still alive, so I don't think they did anything to it.  Not bad, huh?"

            "Cool."  Kai's voice was going dead again.  Yamagata wished the others would leave.  Kai couldn't handle them at the moment.  

            "Aw, come on, life's not _that _bad, is it?"  Kaneda frowned.  "You look really screwed up."

            "I am _not _screwed up," Kai snapped, his hands curling into fists.  "I am fine.  Okay?  I'm just…kind of tired today.  Didn't sleep too well cos of his snoring –" indicating Yamagata.  

            "But you can come out tonight, right?" Kaneda said.  "We need to teach 'em a lesson, they got way too smug now."

            "Yeah," Tetsuo said.  He was frowning.  "When me and Kaneda rode here this morning, we passed two of 'em, didn't we?  We gave chase, but they were yelling stuff at us all the way about how they got you."

            Kai went suddenly very pale, and the bruises on his face flared up like a scatter of stones.

            "Stuff?" he said, and his voice sounded like it was hurting him.  "What sort of stuff?"

            "Oh, you know, just stuff."  Tetsuo looked puzzled.  "The normal sort of stuff guys yell when they score points off each other."

            "Oh, yeah," Kai said.  "Point-scoring.  That's all it is, isn't it?"

            "Sure it is," Kaneda said.  "And don't worry, we're gonna get our points _back.  _Next time we catch one of 'em, we'll do exactly what they did."  He slammed a fist into his palm.

            "Course you will," Kai said, and his voice had gone flat again.  

            "Well, you could try and sound a bit happier."

            "Sorry."

            "You coming into school today?"

            "No.  No, I'll…be off sick, I think."  He grinned, weakly.  "You gotta have some compensation."

            "Damn straight," Kaneda said.  "Okay, then, but don't get too lazy.  You wanna make some Clown jam tonight, right?"

            "Mm."

            Kaneda shook his head.  "You really are tired.  I guess we better go, guys.  Yamagata, you coming?"

            Yamagata shook his head.  "I gotta make sure Kai doesn't trash the place, right?"

            He waited until the others had left, then closed the door behind them, and sighed. 

            Kai was resting his face in his hands, and he sighed as well.

            "I didn't realise how hard that was gonna be," he said. 

            Yamagata came to sit next to him.  "I guess it wasn't fun, but don't worry.  They won't be like that always, they'll have forgotten by next week."

            Kai swallowed.  "How the hell can I go _near _the Clowns?  They'll – they'll say stuff.  They'll blab it all out and that is one conversation I do _not _want.  And don't say we should tell first, I don't need that conversation either."

            "Well…"  Yamagata tried to think of something else to say.  "Maybe they won't say exactly what they did.  I mean, you said it wasn't all of 'em, right?"

            "Uh-huh.  Yeah, they said – they said something about how Joker had wanted to just smash my bike, but – but they'd wanted to use it as a trap.  He mightn't be totally happy with them…maybe."

            "Yeah.  Maybe they didn't tell him any details.  Or anything.  Anyway, you know, you could just say they were making it up.  Right?"

            "I wish I was that good a liar.  Once they say it, Kaneda and the others, they'll figure why I'm acting so weird.  You know they will."

            "So they'll be sorry for you.  Like I am."      

            "I wish."

            Kai slowly lay back on the bed, and closed his eyes.

_They'll find out.  They'll have to find out._

Kai's thoughts scurried about behind his eyes like frightened chickens. 

            _They'll find out and there's nothing I can do.  And it won't be just what happened, it'll be **why **it happened, and they'll know.  And what if they do think the same as those Clowns, underneath?  What if they think I was a wimp?  They'll say I should have stopped it somehow, because that sort of thing don't happen to real guys.  Oh, yeah, but I'm not, am I?  Cos real guys like girls.  And then I'll be on my own again for good and then I'll keep remembering and I can't live like that – I can't – I can't –  _

Too many thoughts, too fast.  They shoved and scratched at his mind.  He couldn't deal with them.  How could he, there was nothing he could do about any of this, was there?  All he could do was lie there and wait…lie there and wait…_yeah, you're good at that…_

_            Couldn't make them stop, couldn't move – and nearly screaming and they noticed that and were hurting him more and more trying to make him actually snap –_

"Kai, snap out of it!"

            Kai wrenched his eyes open, took a deep, slow breath.  "What?"

            Yamagata stared down at him, and shook his head.  "You are _so _not fine."

            Kai shrugged.  "I was – I was…"  He swallowed, feeling tears crawl up his throat.  He wasn't going to cry again, he _wasn't.  _

            "Look, there ain't no way they won't guess something's wrong."  Yamagata was holding him, hands caressing his back, and then he kissed him gently.  "You're a wreck."

            "And I'll be even more of a wreck once my friends abandon me.  Look, don't bother, okay?  I'll be fine."

            He didn't feel fine.  He felt like someone had jumped on him.  Every time he breathed, there was a stab of pain from the bruises over his ribs.  In fact, he felt like he'd turned into nothing more than a bruise.  Hurting inside and out, so bad.  Maybe they hadn't – done what they'd done at all.  Maybe they'd just taken a rusty butcher's knife and disembowelled him.

            No.  He didn't feel fine.

            And Yamagata looked like he'd figured that out, because he shook his head, and said, "Liar."


	8. Deeper Than Sleep

Chapter Eight – Deeper Than Sleep

(Hi all!  Thanks for r+ring.  Chip and Suki are © me, more or less.  Everyone else is © Katsuhiro Otomo.

Crazygirl Liz, I pity gay people in America then ^o^ I guess as in England we don't have such a strong fundamentalist movement gay people probably don't get so much religious stick…I dunno, I'm not gay myself or anything so I guess I wouldn't properly know.  This fic is pretty much guesswork and imagination!

This chapter's a bit…short and uneventful, but I sort of felt I needed it in there.  Hope it's not too dull.)

The nights were cooler now the storm had passed, and the air was thinner.

            Kai didn't like the coolness.  Or was it just he'd hated the storm?  He didn't know.  But whichever it was, he was awake more these days.  In the darkness and the silence where he was the only person alive and where his thoughts began to panic and grow and crawl through his head until they cast monstrous shadows on the side of his mind and all he could do was watch them –

            He lay flat, and stared up at the ceiling.  Specks of streetlamp dotted it.  In the next room two people were having a shouting match, but it had been going on for about an hour now and was becoming background noise.

            Yamagata was slumped next to him, deep asleep.  One arm hung out of the bed, almost brushing the floor, and his hair was tangled and sticking-up, untidy blackness against the pillow.  

            Most nights they ended up doing this, not doing anything _else, just hanging out at one of their places and then sleeping next to each other.  Kai still _liked _Yamagata – in that way – but those feelings were buried under an avalanche of others.  At the moment, he just liked having Yamagata around because the guy was the only person who knew – who knew __anything, really, so didn't get puzzled or pissed off when Kai went silent or miserable.  At least, if he did, he didn't show it.  Not like the others._

            Kaneda's voice echoed through his mind.  _Kai, what is with you?  I know you got jumped, but you gotta get over it.  Y'know?  It's not like it hasn't happened to the rest of us before.  _

Get over it.  Get over it.  If Kaneda knew, would he stop saying stuff like that?  Or would he just think it was the same as anything else you'd do in a fight?  Maybe it was, Kai thought.  Maybe he was just overreacting.

            Yamagata got plenty mad when the others said stuff like that, though.  Once or twice he'd come really close to blurting something out – or hitting out – and Kai had had to step in and drag the conversation away, back to safety.

            He was getting pretty mad with Kai, as well.

            _Why can't we just explain something to 'em?_

_            Because I don't want to!_

_            Kai, they're getting really confused…sooner or later they'll guess –_

_            Well, if we tell 'em what happened, we'll have to say **why it happened.  And you don't want that any more than I do.  Right?**_

Yamagata hadn't answered that.  It puzzled Kai.  He'd not wanted to tell before, right?  Scared the others would freak out.  Well, now he'd seen what people did to people like them.  Surely that would make him even less keen?

            _Or maybe it wouldn't…he's tough enough, they couldn't do it to him…I'm small enough you can manage, but he's stronger…he's much stronger than I am…_

_            Like everyone else is._

He sighed, and shivered, and wriggled closer to Yamagata, who muttered something, rolled over and put an absent-minded arm round him.    

            At night…Kai needed someone else there at night.  The dreams were getting worse, so horrible it felt like they'd burst his skull, and if there was no one there to kick him awake – 

            When there was no one there, he didn't dare go to sleep.

            But even though Yamagata was the only person who knew, he still didn't know enough…never would.  You couldn't know _everything unless it actually happened to you.  You couldn't know what it felt like when they forced you, rubbed it in your face you were helpless, took your – your dignity, held it up in front of you and slowly sliced it into pieces._

            And most people were better off not knowing.

            The problem then being if you did know, you weren't the same as others – you were cut off – you saw things different.  And he knew too much and he didn't want to know it, he wanted to forget it all and be happily dumb again, but he couldn't, the knowledge tangled in his throat, slimy and dark.  

            And what if something happened, and Yamagata left him again – left him forever this time?

            Lots of reasons why it could happen.  Who wanted to go out with someone so miserable?  Yamagata liked a good time, always had; he'd want some girl, or some boy, who could give him that – who could be kissed without tensing or acting like something horrible was about to happen – who could go out and have fun, who didn't just want to stay quiet and unnoticed and left alone, who could handle sex like a normal person, who wasn't sick in the head because of what had happened to them –

            It'll happen, he thought.  It's bound to happen.  

            And it would _hurt.  _Hurt so much he wouldn't be able to take it, he'd smash like glass.  

            He was so sick of hurting.

            He wanted to ask Yamagata this stuff.  Tell him and then say _so is it true?  But if he did that, and Yamagata said __yes…___

No.  You were better off not knowing.

            He could hear them breathing together, filling the room with life, two of them, together in the dark.  And warmth, good warmth when their skin brushed.  And Yamagata still had an arm round him, shielding him, keeping back the real blackness.

            So why did he feel like he was alone?

The air wasn't so bloated with heat now.  It was easier on the mind, stopped your head aching.

            Kai was screaming again, and the sound dragged Yamagata up out of sleep, away from some dream about the Harukiya, up, up into the small, dark room.  Headlight reflections skidded across the ceiling.

            "Kai," he whispered.  "Come on, it's okay.  I'm here."

            He shook his boyfriend gently, and Kai went silent, and then dropped back into sleep again.  Yamagata watched him for a few moments, but then decided this particular nightmare seemed to have been driven back for now, and let go of him.

            At least, he hoped it had been driven back.  For all he knew, Kai had thought it was just someone else coming to pick on him and shut up because he was too scared.  But he always said he couldn't remember nightmares, and so Yamagata had to assume he was doing the right thing.

            He hated feeling doubtful.

            He hated feeling scared.  

            He hated a lot of things at the moment.  The Clowns, for starters.  And the Capsules.  Couldn't they just shut up and leave Kai alone?  Couldn't they just stop asking questions all the time?  And the fear and misery in Kai's face.  He hated that worst of all.  It dragged the light out.  It was like a mask and while Kai wore it, he wasn't himself at all, he was someone else, someone who was hurting too much and Yamagata didn't know what to do to help him…

            The day after it had happened, when he'd brought Kai some other clothes, he'd seen the bruises, dark, mouldy-coloured marks all over Kai's ribs and arms, and he'd nearly thrown up.  Him, who smashed in rivals' heads every damn day of the week.  

            Maybe it was the knowledge of what _else had happened.  That knowledge was too heavy for one person to hold, especially when the others didn't understand why you were struggling._

            So, perhaps most of all, he hated the secrets.

            He was sick of having to find dumb excuses for saying things.  He was sick of not being able to tell the others a few home truths that would make them just _shut up for a bit.  _

            He was sick of being scared.

            Was he still scared?

            He didn't know.  Thing was, you couldn't afford to be scared yourself when there was someone else who was really _terrified.  _You had to be strong for 'em, or else you both just drowned or something.  

            And at first you just ignored your own fear, because it was just distracting – and then – then sometimes it went away – 

            Had it gone this time?

            Didn't matter if it hadn't.  He'd taken too many steps into this having-a-boyfriend thing.  Even if he stopped now, his dad would still kill him, and it wasn't terror now, it was just…it was gonna happen, and you had to accept it sometime.  

            Oh, come on, he thought.  You're makin' no sense.  Dad could be anywhere, probably not even in Neo-Tokyo no more, and even if he is, who says he'd notice you or care?  His father was part of a past now.

            Yeah.  For the first time, his dad wasn't looking over his shoulder.  
            The knowledge uncurled inside his ribs, and it was like a torch suddenly being shone into his brain.  His dad _wasn't _looking over his shoulder.  And his dad was who he was scared of, right?  He'd just been a stupid little kid when he'd got beaten that time, but he was stronger now, and taller, and that scar was nothing more than a hair-thin mark, and he knew more stuff and if he wanted to go out with a guy, then no one was gonna damn well stop him!  No one was gonna stop him yelling it from the rooftops if he wanted to!

            Well, almost no one.

            Kai sighed against him, and muttered something.

            No.  If Kai didn't want to tell, that was cool.  

            Well, okay, it wasn't cool, because the reason he didn't want to tell was those Clown bastards had scared him too much.  But that wasn't his fault.  And so if he didn't want to tell, Yamagata would help him not tell.  Even if it did mean sooner or later he'd be punching Kaneda's face in and have to say it was for no reason at all.

            He liked Kai relying on him a bit.  If only he knew what was the right way to help him.

            But not telling had to be one of the ways, so fine.  They wouldn't tell.

            Not yet, anyway.

Your skin wasn't glossy with sweat now.  Instead it was speckled with goose bumps sharp as grains of salt.

            Chip paced the room.  His eyes wept for sleep…his whole body ached for it, screamed for it…but he couldn't.  He couldn't most nights.  

            He hated Neo-Tokyo at night.  It never shut up even then, did it?  So many people, people screeching and singing and fucking and driving cars down the freeways.  Too many people.  He'd love to see them all just…wiped out…make the world so much cleaner…white light, and then all these fucking morons and bastards and perverts would be gone…

            While there were people, he had to try and hurt them, and he was so tired…too tired to hurt a lot of the time, but the need wouldn't go away…it was like a rat lodged in his ribcage, pacing, snapping, pushing him onwards.  _Hurt them.  Hurt them.  In the daytime it was okay, but it was just now, when he was so tired…_

            The rat snarled.

            You shouldn't be snarling, Chip told it.  You should be damn happy.  We did good this time, remember?

            And he did, and sat down on his bed, and a smile slid across his face, warm as a trail of syrup.  Even when he was this tired he could still feel satisfaction.  That had been a job well done.

            He wished it would rain again.  Rain made him feel good, because he remembered and because the rat remembered and it stopped biting.  That whole night made him feel good.  The bike-as-bait thing, which had been his idea.  That stupid kid looking up so scared as they surrounded him.  The other Clowns' faces when he'd told them what he'd seen at the Harukiya, and the warm, fat pride in his chest when they'd asked him – _him! – what to do next.  And then the best bit…_

            Chip fell back, the springs in his bed creaking, another smile dusting his face like the sound of giggling.  Who cared if he couldn't sleep?  He bet that little creep wasn't sleeping either.  Because of him.  

            He was _sick _of people beating on him.  And they always would because he'd always be weak, always be not too great at fighting, always get fists in his stomach and patronising pats on the cheek.

            But he could get his own back.  Always would.  Had last night, right?  He hoped that stupid _relationship _was dead as he'd felt after the tall guy had finished with him.  

            The rat hissed again, spat hate.  Chip lay back, and remembered the rainy night, and the good feeling spread through him, and he gasped happiness up to the ceiling.

The air nipped sometimes, and you wrapped yourself up in sheets and tried to ignore it.  

            Suki's feet were cold.  She cursed, silently, and sat up in bed.  It was hopeless trying to sleep tonight.  The house was too noisy, creaks and groans and people whispering and music playing.  Still.  As the world had fun without her.

            As people got loved without her.

            She was so _lonely.  _No one else understood.  Hiroko, Ima, Kaori, they were all happy.  They all had guys who loved them.  They all had boyfriends.

            Well, kinda.  Kaneda and Hiroko bitched at each other half the time they were together and fucked the other half – but hey, it worked for them.  Ima didn't have a steady boyfriend, she just hung around with whoever wanted her to.  And Kaori and Tetsuo were practically _married.  Personally Tetsuo wasn't Suki's type.  He didn't have that – that __air about him, that cool casual I-don't-give-a-damn air that the other guys did._

            That Yamagata did.

            Suki sighed again.  She wanted to be asleep.  She didn't want to be awake thinking about Yamagata.  Every thought was sharp and made her feel sad, made her want to wail out into the night before she splintered like crunched glass.

            But she couldn't stop thinking.  He'd got her brain between his hands and he wasn't letting go.  He found his way into every aspect of her life and then stayed there until she was almost sick of him and sick of longing for him.

            Sighing, she reached out and clicked on the bedside light.  The bulb flickered, then came on, and the glow spilled over the room, too bright, sore on her skin and in her eyes.  She reached out for a magazine, and started to read it at random.  If she did that, maybe she'd get back into the mood for sleeping.

            She'd read this article before.  It was about how women these days had decided they didn't need men or something.  Suki didn't really get it.  She sure needed men.  Or more specifically, one man.  

            Hiroko had said she should give up on him.

            _I mean, I like a good time, Suki, but you know, he was getting a bit violent just now.  Weren't you scared?_

She had been scared.  She'd been really scared, but she hadn't been able to work out when it had changed from the oh-this-is-good-let's-do-it-feels-so-good-it's-almost-scary feeling to the realisation that it wasn't good any more but _just scary…getting out of control…that he wasn't going to stop…that she couldn't make him…that __she didn't want this –_

Of course.  That had to be why he hadn't called or nothing.  He knew she wouldn't give him what he wanted, so he'd dumped her.  

            Suki blinked, and then a drip fell onto the magazine, turning the paper grey and wrinkling the words.  She swallowed, and rubbed her eyes on the sheet.  

            She _had _to get him back.  Somehow.  She was sure, deep down, he'd be nice to her.  Make her feel special.  Yeah, he'd made her feel _damn special when they were actually doing stuff.  _

            Just never made her feel special any other time.

            But that didn't matter!  Guys were like that.  You just had to put up with it.  Even if you did think you deserved better.  Even if the magazines and movies talked about princes and knights who helped you _stop crying.  Those guys weren't real, so you settled for the ones you knew.  _

            Even if they did act like they found you a pain in the ass most of the time.  You just pretended you didn't care.

            Anyway, she thought, yawning a little, Yamagata was stressed at the moment.  She wasn't sure why, but she could tell.  She saw him hanging with his friends, and he was tense and gloomy as front-page war headlines or something.  So when he got over whatever it was that was bugging him, he'd have time for fun again.

            And time for her.

And then the sun rose, and the cool night air began to heat up as grey light oozed into your room.

            Tetsuo groaned as it glowed on the inside of his eyelids.  He didn't want to wake up.  Tired.  He rolled over, and cursed as he remembered Kaori, who was lying curled up next to him.  She'd be awake and wanting to _talk _and stuff, and he couldn't handle that today…he didn't want to yell at her, but it was just – when she was all sappy and good and sweet – he wanted to be nice to her, when she was like that, but he couldn't.  The words stuck in his throat and by the time he'd got them out they'd changed, changed into things like _shut up _and _leave me alone and __get a life._

Everyone was driving him crazy these days.  People who called themselves his friends…his girl…even just random passers-by.  Everyone.  And why?  Because he was at the bottom of the pile.  Him and Kaori.

            And that was why he didn't like talking to her.  Who needed to be reminded they were pond scum?  

            "It's not fair…I can't do anything right and when I try they just laugh…or tell me to shut up."

            The words tangled in the cobwebs smearing the misty grey ceiling.  

            "I'd love to do summat that'd show them – just show them _all –"_

Well, most of 'em, anyway.  Especially Kaneda, who was supposed to be his friend and yet who he hated sometimes, really, really hated.  Once he'd used to be grateful Kaneda even bothered to be his friend.  

            Who wanted to spend their life being damn _grateful all the time?  He didn't owe anyone anything and he was sick of feeling like he should!  _

            Yeah, show most of them.  Kaneda.  And Yamagata, who jumped on everything Tetsuo even said these days.  Always telling him to shut up or that he didn't understand.  Yamagata was no Einstein himself, was he – but _no, _just cos he was older and more sure of himself, he got say whatever he damn well liked, and did.  All the time.

In fact, the only person whose skull he didn't want to jump up and down on was Kai's, and that – that was because Kai was practically taking his place as the small pathetic kid these days.

Tetsuo smirked.  At least I can hold a conversation without sinking into my jacket, he thought.  At least I don't get depressed when I've only been jumped.

            This superiority – tasted like wine, sort of warm and sour – was actually making him feel quite kindly towards Kai.  You didn't need to hate people who really were lower than you.  

            Kaori was different.  Kaori was on the same level as him, only she was a girl.  She'd never be a proper cool girlfriend.

            And he'd never be a proper cool boyfriend.

            Tetsuo sighed, and fought down the urge to shout and kick the wall and break things.  It didn't quite die, so to free it he pinched Kaori's arm to wake her up, and then so that he didn't need to look at her hurt eyes – puppy eyes, they forgave you, they just asked _why? – _he got out of bed, and started looking for some clothes.

The sun had risen now, and your bed became too warm, and sweat started to pool on your feet and in the dips of your body.

            Below the Olympic site, hidden under the crater left by a far-back cataclysm, something still slept.  

            As Kai congratulated himself on getting through another night, as Yamagata kissed him and tried not to notice him tensing, as Chip gave up on sleep and threw off the sheets and snarled at the sunlight, as Suki realised she'd fallen asleep on her magazine and smoothed the crumpled pages, as Tetsuo dressed, trying not to look at Kaori –

            Akira still slept, no longer whole, a slumber deeper than sleep but not as low as death; unaware of how he would send people's lives spiralling downwards into darkness.


	9. I Just Wanted To Be Normal

Chapter Nine – I Just Wanted To Be Normal

(All characters except Chip © Katsuhiro Otomo.  Please r+r!)

The sun was setting, blazing bright light over Neo-Tokyo.  Over everywhere except the inside of the Harukiya, which was as dark and close as it was all year round.

            The Capsules were lurking at one of the tables in an awkward silence.  Yamagata had persuaded Kai to come out with them for the evening, but now he was wondering if maybe that had been a bad idea.  As usual, Kai was acting like he was partially shut down, saying nothing except to answer questions put to him, and then only with one or two dull words.  By this point in the evening, most of the guys had grown impatient with him, and had stopped talking to him at all.  

            Kai didn't seem to care much though.  All he was doing was staring at the table, tracing some ancient graffiti on it with a finger.  

            Kaneda was definitely getting impatient.  He kept glancing at Kai, and Yamagata was prepared to bet it was only a matter of time before he grabbed Kai by the collar, shook him, and yelled _Why are you being such a zombie?_

And, of course, Kai would just shrug him off with that old, stupid lie; _I'm fine._

_            You're not fine and I can't help you to be fine.  _Yamagata sighed, and stared down at the table himself.  These past two weeks – since it had happened – he'd been feeling more and more angry.  Angry because he was worried, because Kai was sinking fast, because he looked so damn dead, like inside his mind had collapsed and was being bled out in all the tears.  He was trying to pretend he didn't need to cry, he'd do it when he thought Yamagata was out of the room, or asleep – but Yamagata wasn't that dumb.  Even when he missed the actual tears, he saw the red eyes afterwards.

            And the others just thought Kai was being a wimp.

            Yamagata sighed.  He had to do something about this.  All of this.

            He _wanted _to lean over to Kai, grab him and kiss him till they both got dizzy – maybe that would shut the others up – but he was resisting the temptation.  Kai would kill him if he didn't.  

            He sighed again, and leant back on his chair, staring round at the Harukiya.  This place seemed too small.  And too dark.  He'd much rather be out riding, where you could go anywhere and do anything and nobody, nobody could stop you.  And he knew how to ride.  None of this feeling powerless.  Riding was easy, and so was chasing…and so was bashing in the heads of certain Clowns…

            Instead he was stuck practically underground, forced to watch his friends treat his boyfriend like an idiot, and it was driving him mad.  The fury growled inside him, and he let it turn into hate, hate for the dark and the stoners lying on the benches and the barman and the skinny kid sweeping the floor, hate for everyone and everything – but no.  Not Kai, not Kai sitting next to him, taking an unenthusiastic sip of his drink.  Not Kai.

            "How much longer you guys gonna be here?" the barman snapped to them.  "Those tables could be used by people who buy proper drinks."

            "What, you mean those saps who actually believe this stuff's legit?" Yamagata called.  "Don't insult us."

            The barman scowled, and called to the kid, "Chip, you get the new case of glasses up from the cellar?"

            "I'm getting right on it," the kid sneered, dropping his broom.  _"Sir."_

Suddenly there was a crash.  Kai had dropped his glass.  He sat, eyes wide with horror, staring at the kid who was sauntering out to the back of the bar.

            "Kai?" Kaneda said at last.  "What's happened?"

            Kai swallowed, slowly, and gripped one hand with the other.  Yamagata noticed that both were trembling.  

            "Nothing…" he said at last.  "I'm fine…"

            "You look like you seen Jaws doing a striptease."

            There were a few sniggers, but Kai didn't join in.  "I'm fine," he said again.  "Fine."

            "If you say so," Kaneda said.  He glanced from Kai to Yamagata, then said, "Hey, anyone want another drink?  My round."

            As the others clustered around him to consider this, Yamagata was able to hiss to Kai, "What is it?"

            "It's him…"

            "Who?"

            "That guy…he's a Clown…he saw us, and he told them, and he, he…"

            "He was one of 'em?"

            Kai nodded.  He was biting his lip, and Yamagata could see tears in his eyes.  The anger roared up again, but under it there was pleasure because now he _could _do something.  At last.  

            "Right," he said.  "Hey, the alley we were in…that's how you get to the cellar, ain't it?"

            "I think.  But –"

            Yamagata leapt to his feet, and ran out of the bar.

Outside the sky was burning, and the sun was hot on his back and neck.  And there was the alley, dark, shady, covered in old beer bottles and crates.

            And there was the kid – Chip, that was it – coming up from the cellar door, holding another crate in his arms.

            Yamagata walked forward.

            "Hey, you," he called.  

            Chip turned.  "Yeah?"

            "You know who I am?"

            "You're one of those Capsule punks.  So what?"

            "And you're a Clown."

            "So?"  Chip's eyes flickered over Yamagata, taking in his height, the muscles in his arms and body, and the dark expression on his face.  "I – I'm off duty.  I just work here."

            "You're off duty?"  Yamagata walked closer, broken glass crunching under his feet.  "Funny.  That didn't seem to stop you before."

            "Huh?"  Chip swallowed.  "Dunno what you mean.  I know we're rivals…we're meant to fight.  What's so wrong with that?"

            _"You _don't fight.  You and three of your bastard pals sneak around like the fucking cowards you are and ambush –"

            It was so easy to say it.  Was this really what he'd been scared of all that time?

            "My boyfriend…down an alleyway."

            He'd done it.  

            He'd actually said it.  

            And nothing terrible had happened.  He was alive, the sun was still blazing, the scar lay dead on his side, and now he was gonna _pound this guy._

            "Or have you forgotten?" he said.

            Chip shrugged.  "You got the wrong guy."

            Yamagata marched forward and hauled the Chip up to face level by the shirt front.  "No.  I ain't.  _He _recognises you."

            Chip swallowed again, then his eyes narrowed.  "Get off me, okay?  So we have turf wars.  We fight.  Why're you so uptight about it?"

            _"My _team fight.  Yours attack four on one and trick people by usin' their bikes as bait.  Remember that, too?"  Yamagata tightened his grip on Chip's shirt.

            "Okay, whatever.  Just get over it, okay?"  The sunset glowed on Chip's sweaty face.  "Quit picking on me.  I didn't do anything –"

            "You had the idea.  You saw us.  You set him up.  You did _everything _and I'm gonna make you suffer for it."__

            Chip licked his lips.  "So – so what?  I woulda thought you'd be grateful – we gave him a good time, didn't we –"

            That did it.  Yamagata punched him so hard he half-expected he'd end up wearing Chip's head as a bracelet.

            Chip gave a squeak of pain, swayed a little, then slammed his fist up into Yamagata's jaw.  But the rage was so strong it numbed him, and he was able to ignore the punch, slam Chip back against the alley wall, and beat him over and over again.  There was a silvery crash as the crate of glasses hit the ground.

            "Bastard…fucking _bastard…"_

Couldn't see, couldn't think, nothing but rage, red, blazing, choking him…

            "Bastard…"

            "Yamagata?"

            Rage…

            "Yamagata, quit it!"

            Someone grabbed his arm as he drew it back to punch again.  He whirled to hit them…then recognised Kaneda, and stopped, and slowly the alley slid back into his vision.  The sun had almost set, and the shadows were darker now, and cooler.

            Chip sprawled at his feet, gasping and spitting.

            The others were standing around, everyone gaping.  Yamagata didn't bother to look at them – all he could see was Kai, who stood at the back, pale and silent.

            "What the fuck are you doing?" Kaneda said.  "Why're you beating up the bottle-washer?"

            "He's a Clown, and he – he jumped Kai that time.  He tipped 'em off that he was leaving here."  The words were short, sharp, and Yamagata couldn't see any point in saying them.  Talking seemed fake.  He'd rather punch.

            "You could've killed him," Tetsuo said, eyes wide.  "I never seen you get so mad.  Why did you?"

            Yamagata shrugged.  Kai was staring at him, and he looked terrified.

            "No reason," he said.

            Oh, there's a reason…a damn good reason…

            But no.  Kai was begging him, and he'd promised.  

            Then –

            "There's…there's a reason…"

            Chip gasped out the words.  Blood was running down his chin like raindrops down a broken window.

            "We…we fucked his boyfriend," he choked.  _"That's _a pretty good reason."

            Then his eyes rolled up, and he collapsed against the wall, speckling it with dark red drops.

            There was a long silence.  

            "There are way, _way _too many things wrong with that sentence," Kaneda said at last.

            Yamagata felt like he'd just misjudged a jump and ended up falling.  His stomach was doing flips.

            "Mm," he said.  "You could say that."

            "He – he must've meant girlfriend," Tetsuo said.  "He's pretty confused.  He must've meant girlfriend.  Mustn't he.  Right?"

            "Um.  Well.  Uh.  You know."  Yamagata couldn't stop staring at Kai, who'd gone bone white, and seemed to be trying to melt away into the darkness.

            "No," Kaneda said.  "We don't."

            "Is it _anything _to do with Suki?" Tetsuo asked.

            Yamagata considered that idea for a moment, before deciding it would be way too confusing.  Not to mention he wasn't that good a liar.

            "No," he said.  "No, it's nothing to do with Suki."

            "I hate Twenty Questions," Kaneda muttered.

            "In that case, let's all go back inside," Yamagata said quickly.  "It's getting cold, and I want another drink –"

            "Yamagata," Tetsuo said, "you have to tell us."

            "I – I can't."  Yamagata stared at Kai.  "It's just…you know.  Stuff."

            "This is getting dumb!" Kaneda yelled suddenly.  "Look, Yamagata, answer me one question.  Without saying 'you know'.  _Do you, or do you not, have a boyfriend?"_

Yamagata took a deep breath, and stared up at the sky a moment.

            _Kai – I'm sorry –_

_            Dad – I ain't –_

            "Yeah," he said.  "I do."

            Kai's eyes widened, and then he sighed, and his head dropped, and Yamagata couldn't see his face any more.

            "You _what?" _Kaneda hollered.

Yamagata tore his attention away from Kai with difficulty.  "I, that's me, have a boyfriend, that's a guy I'm going out with.  Geez, Kaneda, I know you're dumb, but –"

            Kaneda gave a small yelp that could best be described as _ing?_

"You're a _boy," _he said.

            "Yeah."

            "But you…go out…with a boy."

            "Yeah.  And you know what?  Babies _aren't _brought by the stork.  Do I have to give you the entire Talk from Day One?"

            "So…you _do_ have a boyfriend," Tetsuo said.

            "Ain't that what I just said?" Yamagata snapped.  

            "So…who is it?"

            Yamagata stared at Kai again.  _What the hell can I say now?_

Kai was shaking.  He glanced from the guys, to Chip, to Yamagata, his eyes large and frightened.

            Then he straightened up, clenched his fists, and said, "Uh, guys?"

            "What is it?" Kaneda said without looking round.

            "Uh…I'm his boyfriend."

            _"What?"_

"We're going out," Kai said, voice strained, staring at his feet again.  "We have been since the day after he had that crash."

            Kaneda's eyes bulged.  

            "Anything else anyone wants to tell me?" he snapped.  "Anyone else gay?  Anyone else got any relationships they forgot to mention?  Anyone, like, secretly psychotic?  Tetsuo, what about you?"

            "Kaneda, calm down."  Tetsuo was frowning again.  "Your eye's twitching."

            "I know, and it's driving me nuts –"  Kaneda slapped at his eye a few times.  "Okay.  Okay, I'm calm."  He glanced at Chip, then frowned.  "Hang on.  What exactly did he say about you guys…"

            "Kai?" Tetsuo said slowly.  "What – what did they do to you?"

            Kai elbowed his way forward, to the middle of the group.  The night had turned everyone into silhouettes, and they stood dark against the slate-coloured sky.  One streetlight flickered on, and sent drips of light over Kai's face.  He'd gritted his teeth, and his eyes were narrowed.

            Yamagata found his hands forming fists again.  Could Kai say it – and what would they do when they heard –

            "Oh, they didn't do anything _bad," _Kai snapped.  "And they had, like, perfectly good reasons for it.  They saw us, they saw us together.  They knew what a freak I am.  Freaks aren't real riders.  Freaks don't get to fight.  Freaks just get their brains fucked out because that's all they're good for."

            "They – they did – did _that _to – you?"  Tetsuo's voice snapped over the words like someone stamping on twigs.  "Shit, Kai…"

            The alley was silent again for a moment.  

            Then Kaneda laughed, shattering the silence, a harsh, forced laugh.  

            "They jumped _your _bones?" he said.  "Ha…man, they must have been desperate."

            Yamagata wanted to kill him.

            Kai stared at Kaneda a moment, strength slowly oozing out of his face.

            "Thanks a bunch," he said at last, and turned, and walked away.

            Yamagata stared at him a moment, then his rage tore itself free and snarled at Kaneda, "You stupid fucking moron, can't you ever fucking open your mouth without saying something dumb?"

            Kaneda scowled.  "Well, what was I _meant _to say?  It's not like I got loads of experience with this."

            "'I'm sorry,' might've been nice," Tetsuo said sarcastically.

            "Why the fuck should I say sorry?  _I_ ain't done anything to him!"

            Yamagata couldn't listen to them any more.  He forced his way through the gang, out of the alley, and out onto the street.

            "Kai!"

            Where'd he gone?  

            He started running down the road.  There was a scraping of light left, which just made everywhere else seem _really _dark.

            "Kai?  Come on, it's me.  Where are you?"

            Darkness…darkness down this street…and his mind's eye painted blades of rain lashing through the sky…his skin tingled with imagined cold…and it was later…and Kai was gone, and something bad had happened…

            Happened here.  

            "Kai?"

            Kai was slumped against the wall of the alleyway.

            Yamagata tried to drown out the flashbacks, walked towards him.  

            "Kai, come on.  It's me."

            Kai looked up.  He was crying.

            "Come on.  Let's go home.  Or ride.  Or summat.  Don't sit here."  
            "It's _not _raining," Kai said, to himself it seemed.  "It's not raining…and there's no one here…and nothing's happening…"

            "Course there ain't," Yamagata said, pulling him to his feet and trying to ignore the oozing shivers breaking out all over his body.  "You're totally safe with me.  Come on, let's go get our bikes."

            Kai glanced at him, his face blank, then nodded, and they began to walk back to the Harukiya.

            "I – uh – I'm sorry 'bout what happened," Yamagata said at last.

            "How d'you mean?"

            "Didn't figure on the guys all coming and finding out…and all that."

            Kai shrugged.  "Forget it."

            You don't mean that, Yamagata thought.

            "Thanks for speaking up, anyway," he said.  

            "S'okay.  Didn't have much choice, did I?"  He snapped out the second sentence.  

            "I'm _sorry."_

"Oh, you would be, wouldn't you?" Kai suddenly yelled.  "When it's all your dumb fault this happened!"

            "No!"  Yamagata felt like he'd just been stamped on.  Automatically you denied everything.

            Kai turned to face him, quivering with rage.

            _"You _went after that Clown!" he yelled.  _"You _admitted it all to them.  _You _made me stand there and tell them all what happened!  You came along in the first place!  I just wanted to be normal!  I wish I'd never met you!  I wish you didn't exist!  I hate you!  Why couldn't you have just _died on that bike?"_

            Yamagata couldn't quite believe how much it hurt.  It was like someone had just stuck a knife in his chest and then wrenched it down and split him in two.

            "You – you don't mean that…" he said slowly.

            "Yes, I damn well do!"  Kai shouted it, his mouth crumpling with sobs, his voice cracking.  "You promised you wouldn't tell!  You promised!  And – and you just stood there and – they all think it's funny and – it's all right for you, no one ever laughs at you – no one would ever do _nothing to you – I hate you – I hate you –"_

            "Stop it –"

            "Just shut up and leave me alone!"

            Once Yamagata would have hit him, and they would have had a fight.  Now – now he couldn't hurt him.  He couldn't.  And if Kai wanted him to leave him alone – then fine.  He would.

            "All right," he said.

            He started to walk away, down towards his house, and waited until he'd heard Kai's footsteps start as he walked in the opposite direction.

            Then he turned back, and followed Kai all the way through the city, back to his house, and watched him walk inside, and then walked away from him properly, back to their bikes behind the Harukiya, and tried to ignore the hot tears trying to sting his eyes.

            Kai was right.  It was all his fault.  He'd been so keen to show he'd finally lost the fear – so keen to show he didn't care what anyone else thought of him – and so he'd blabbed everything out and hadn't even _tried to keep it a secret…_

            So damn stupid.  So what if he'd lost that fear now?  He had another.  He didn't need to curse the Capsules, or the Clowns, for hurting Kai.  He'd done good enough on that himself.

            The scar was nothing now, just dead skin.

Kai stumbled up the stairs, hardly seeing them.  He kept tripping and having to clutch the banisters.  Sooner or later he was going to fall and break his neck.

            Good.  Good.  Then it would just all stop.  Then it would be okay again.

            His room.  He stared at it numbly – at the streetlight squares smeared across the walls, at the shadows rushing over it – then staggered over to the bed, and sank down. 

            Every time he remembered anything about this evening he felt sick.  Sick of himself and sick of everything.  He'd had to stand there – stand there and tell them all – tell them – see their faces – and Kaneda had thought it was _funny –_

And then – then he'd said all that stuff – and Yamagata had looked so hurt, so horribly hurt – probably hated him now and no wonder – 

            Why?  Why had he said that?  

He told!  He told and he promised he wouldn't!  He promised…

_            He didn't exactly have any choice – and you could've kept your mouth shut –_

But he wasn't angry now, he'd bled out the anger to Yamagata's face.  And it hadn't been Yamagata's fault…Chip had said it first…and he himself had spoken up too…no, he wasn't angry now.  Now he was just…lonely.

Anyway, it didn't matter, it had happened now, and so Yamagata hated him, and so he was alone again, and so…it didn't matter, did it?  He was used to being alone.      

            Only the air was so quiet in this room.  It crowded in on him, rang with silence. 

            Silence was good.  

            There wouldn't be any silence tomorrow.

            Some of them had actually looked sorry tonight.  But not Kaneda, of course.  To him it really was just funny.  And tomorrow it would be just funny for all of them, because Kaneda was the leader, and the others would copy him, and it would all become nothing more than a joke.

            _You don't need to face them.  You could just stay here and…be on your own._

And how long could he spend in here before he went crazy – or before someone dragged him out – or something else happened –

            _There's other ways of hiding…like you thought on the stairs.  If you just fell…or if something else happened…then you'd never have to see any of them again…_

No.  No, he wasn't that desperate…he wasn't…stop it, stop it, that wasn't the way, it never was.

            Was it?

            It would be so easy.  Why bother to keep struggling when you ached all over because you were just so damn tired?  He'd be alone.  Alone at last.  Was that good or bad?  He couldn't tell any more.  He couldn't think.  Probably the headache from all the tears.  

            _If you did it you'd never have to think again…_

That voice had to be wrong.  Had to be.

            Once, ages ago – in his first year at the Eighth District Vocational Training School – some kid had climbed up on the roof after a row with a teacher.  The entire school had scrambled out into the playground to take a look – Kai could still remember the sharp, wintry air flicking his hair – and the kid had started to play to the crowd – walking along the edge – bowing – they'd cheered and clapped.  Kai remembered doing it, grateful to the boy for brightening the day – for sticking up a finger at schools old and new (he'd only been expelled a few months before) –

            When had they realised something had gone wrong?

            When the tiny dark figure against the sky had frozen for a long moment – the cheering had stopped as people became puzzled – and then – then –

            Someone had screamed.

            And then the figure had stopped being a figure – and become a falling blur – and then turned into a mess –

            Kai had wondered what it had felt like – whether he'd realised he was going to die or whether, right to the end, he'd hoped something would save him – and how long it had taken – and how much it had hurt –

            Now, thinking in the darkness, he wondered whether he dared doing something similar.  And he walked through his mind, through the memories and tangled lines of his life – and wondered if he could cut himself loose from them –    

            One thing was stopping him.

            He didn't hate Yamagata…he didn't…

            Even if he was sick, so sick, of being weak in front of him; of Yamagata being _sorry _for him all the time; of having to be treated like a trauma victim who'd break any minute –

            It would still hurt too much to be dragged away from him. 

            So he wouldn't break.  Well, not in the most final way.  He was staying alive.  If Yamagata didn't hate him, that was something to live for.  

            And if he did, well, you didn't need to let other people drag you down.  

When he awoke the next morning, he didn't feel any better.  The sun was blazing in through the window, hurting his sore eyes, and he felt even sicker now he had to actually make a decision about whether go face the others or not.  

            Most of him wanted to stay in here and hide.  Loneliness was easier than humiliation.

            But then he pictured his so-called friends, at school, laughing about how he was too scared to talk to them, and the sick hatred inside himself turned on them like plague.  No.  He wouldn't make it easy for them.  They'd have to face him.

            Of course, he'd have to face them as well, but he tried to ignore that.

            And Yamagata.  He'd have to face Yamagata.

            And whenever he saw Yamagata now, he ended up melting into tears and crying on his shoulder and he didn't want to be like that.  He was normal.  He was strong.  He was going to show he didn't need anyone to keep crying on.  He could cry perfectly well on his own…

            Let's go, he thought, and climbed out of bed.

It was getting hotter again, and Kai was sticky with sweat under his clothes.  Neo-Tokyo was curdling, and the school stank of sour milk.

            He saw the rest of the gang sitting in their normal spot in the parking lot, sprawled among their bikes.  That was a point – his own bike was still at the back of the Harukiya.  Or had been.

            Considering what he'd had to go through to get it back once, he'd be really, really pissed off if it was pinched again.

            Anyway.  Bikes.  And bikers.  He made out Kaneda, Tetsuo, several others, but Yamagata didn't seem to be there.

            _Probably doesn't want to see you and no wonder.  _

Guilt blinked wearily in his overcrowded brain.

            "Hey," he said as he got closer.

            "Uh – hey, Kai."  Kaneda glanced at him quickly, then pretended to be very interested in his bike.  Although of course, there was always the possibility he really _was _very interested in his bike, Kai figured.  It wasn't unlikely.

            Tetsuo just stared at him a moment, then said, "Thought you wouldn't come in."

            "Why not?"

            "Well…you don't look too good."

            Kai was prepared to admit that.  He'd glanced at himself in a mirror before leaving.  His eyes were swollen, he seemed to be going for the crumpled look, and his face seemed a lot bonier than usual.  Did stress-related weight loss happen that fast?

            He'd tried to smile at himself, but it hadn't really worked.  In fact, smiling in general didn't really seem to be working.  It was like sticking a sign saying _Party Animal _on a corpse.

            "Well…I'm fine."

            "Good," Kaneda said, still staring at his bike.

            "You don't look fine," Tetsuo said, frowning.

            Kai sighed.  "Tetsuo, you are always saying that, and you don't need to.  So I'm not Superman-healthy.  It don't matter."

            "Okay, I get it."  Tetsuo shrugged, and turned his attention to his bike.  Kai wished he had his so he could do the same, but he didn't, so he glanced at the other bikers instead.  One gave him a rueful grin, two glanced away, and one scowled at the ground.  Hmm.  

            The world was aching with silence.  Why wasn't anyone saying anything?  He couldn't remember them ever being this quiet before.  

            _A little difficult to have a casual conversation with a gay rape victim sitting in their midst._

Yeah, that was probably true.

            Not that he was going to go away and make it easier.  It was the children's home all over again.

            But what could they say?

            _You know…act normal…_

How can they?  You're not normal any more. 

            The silence was really starting to drag, though.  He could feel it prickling on his skin.

            "So…uh…anyone seen Yamagata?" he asked.

            The reaction to this question was varied.  Three bikers went painfully blank, one rolled his eyes, Tetsuo shook his head while keeping his eyes on the ground, and Kaneda yelled, "No!"

            "I only asked," Kai said.  

            "Fine!" Kaneda snapped.  "That's absolutely fine!  I don't care, okay?  I don't care!"

            "About what?"

            "Anything."  Kaneda started smoothing one of the stickers on the front of his bike.  "I'm completely unfazed."

            "Liar," Tetsuo said.  Kaneda glared at him.  

            Kai wondered what he should say.  

            "I don't care if you are fazed," he said at last.  Was that true?  He wasn't sure.  He did care, kind of, deep down, but on the other hand he hadn't expected them to be cool about it.  Not any more.

            Maybe it was pointless trying to keep friends with them. 

            Kaneda shrugged, not looking at him.  They sat in silence for some time longer, then finally trudged into school, only twenty minutes late.

The building got hotter and hotter as the day wore on.  The sun rose, screamed through the windows and skylights.  Sour smells rose from the floors, and trying to breathe in the cloakrooms was like trying to breathe mud.

            Kai slumped over his desk, the heat sapping his thoughts.  Nearly lunchtime.  Then he might just walk out.  Being with anyone he knew was like standing in a crowd of sharks.  Peaceable sharks, but you never knew what they might do…

            HHHe didn't care about having friends any more.  He just wanted to be alone.  He was so sick already of trying not to feel.  To curl up and admit you were breaking inside and wanted to die would be a luxury.

            On one side of him, Tetsuo was digging his pen nib into the desk, trying to carve writing into the wood.  On the other, Kaneda was staring out across the classroom, resting his chin on his hands.  He looked thoughtful.  

            Kai hadn't tried talking to either of them for about half an hour now, even though this was business studies which no one ever kept quiet in.  Tetsuo was bound to say something about how ill he looked, and Kaneda…he just didn't want to talk to Kaneda.  There was a bad atmosphere between them.  He didn't know exactly why, but he had a feeling it was to do with last night.

            Everything was to do with last night.  

            Yamagata was still absent.  Maybe it was better this way.  He didn't need to apologise.  And Yamagata would be pissed the others were being weird, so it was better he wasn't here.  But –

            He wanted to see him so _much.  _So desperately, like hunger, like an itch you needed to scratch, it clawed at the sides of his throat.  Forget apologies.  Forget civil conversation.  Forget everything, just have one kiss, one hug, just be with him, strength, warmth…

            Far away, he heard the door open, and looked up, hope quick and painful inside.  Then it vanished as he saw the latecomer, just some other kid he didn't know, and he sank down onto the desk again.

            "Geez, Kai," Kaneda muttered from beside him, "quit acting like a puppy.  It's only Yamagata you're waiting for, after all."

            And the prickly heat, and the headache building in his temples, and the loneliness, and the yearning, and the rage and pain heavy in his chest all combined, and he hissed, "Why don't you just get off my case?  You've been acting like a jerk all morning."

            Kaneda hunched his shoulders.  "Well, excu-use me.  I just meant you're getting a little obsessed."

            "No, I'm not."

            "Yes you damn well are."

            "Well, what's wrong with liking someone?" Kai snapped.

            "Nothing – if it's a girl!"

            "Oh, so you are a phobe, then."

            "No, I'm not!"  Kaneda blushed, and rubbed a hand across his shiny brow.  "I just think it's…weird, that's all.  And I – I just think you're weird."

            "I'm weird?  This from a guy whose only real relationship is with his bike?"

            Tetsuo snorted with laughter, then quickly smothered it as Kaneda glowered.

            "Ha bloody ha," he said.  "Geez, Kai, if you're so damn touchy, why'd you come in?  Why didn't you just stay home and have your emotional crisis in peace?"

            "I am not having an emotional crisis!  Why the fuck do you get to decide whether I'm weird or not?  Why'd I have to stay home just so I don't rock your fragile little world?"

            "That ain't what I meant," Kaneda snapped.  "I just meant you seem to be finding, like, normal life a bit tough at the moment.  So admit defeat and go home."

            "Just cos you're our leader doesn't mean you get to tell me what to do in every bit of my life."  Kai felt his hands curl painfully into fists.  "I wanted to come in today –"

            "And spend every bloody _moment _looking out to see if Yamagata's coming –"

            "So fucking what?"

            "It's freaky, that's what!" Kaneda yelled, and there was a clatter as their teacher dropped his book.  "It's just weird!  You're not normal and, and you do weird things and you have weird things happen to you, and…I dunno how to act around you.  You're just weird."

            "I'm not," Kai said, and to his shock, felt tears drooling at the back of his eyes.  "I'm not weird."

            "Well, the Clowns never did that to anyone else!"

            "I didn't ask them to do it to me!"  His voice was starting to shake, oh shit, oh _no…_

"Didn't you?  Maybe it was a fucking turn-on!"

            That was it.  Kai punched him so hard his knuckles hurt.  Kaneda stumbled back against his chair for a moment, then leapt forward, hit Kai in the chin, and they both fell down, onto the floor space between their chairs and their desks.

            The class watched with interest.  Business Studies was rarely this cool.  Sure, it was difficult to fight in an aisle space thirty centimetres wide, but Kaneda and Kai weren't letting that stop them.  

            Meanwhile, the teacher slunk out to fetch Mr Takaba, who was usually required to sort out problems of this nature.

            Kai never remembered much of the fight, he was too angry for memory to work.  He couldn't see, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but hit and hit because all that he could hear was that one line, ringing in his ears – _maybe it was a fucking turn-on – a turn-on – a turn-on –_

And with every punch, his thoughts screamed back, _it wasn't!  It wasn't!  It hurt and it was horrible and it's breaking me apart!_

He flung Kaneda off him, the other boy sprawled a few feet away – then staggered onto his knees again – Kai waited, gasping for breath, feeling blood smooth and silky running down from a cut by the side of his eye.  

            Kaneda was gasping too, and one of his eyes had turned bruised and mouldy.  

            "Freak," he choked out.

            Kai stood up, and ran towards him.

            And as he did, Kaneda kicked his feet out from under him, and he fell, catching his chin on one of the chairs, and landed heavily, face down.

            Kaneda leapt onto his back, pinning Kai's arms with his knees.

            "Just get over it!" he yelled.  "Quit going mental!"

            Kai struggled to get up, but Kaneda was too heavy.  The floor stank of dust and chewing gum, and the grime of it was sticking to his chest and neck.

            "Look, Kai, just calm down!" Kaneda yelled.  "Trying to kill me ain't gonna help!"

            Kai tried to focus, but – but –

            _A foot slammed into his stomach, and he curled up, choking and retching – and hands, grabbing his arms, pulling them away from his body, their feet on his wrists so he couldn't move –_

Someone was screaming.  Kai reflected on it.  He'd fallen out of the classroom now, into some safe, shady corner of his brain.  But he could still hear the screaming.  Whoever it was sounded really frightened, like they were being burnt up, like it wasn't a choice to them, like it was as natural as breathing…

            His throat was starting to hurt.  

            "Kai!  Kai, geez, what did I do?"

            "Oh, what's wrong, honey?  You scared?"

            "Fuck…Kai, snap out of it!"

            "I'll say he is, look at him."

            "You stupid idiot, let him up!"

            "Well, let's make it all better, let's make him feel _real _good."

            His mind was unravelling, and it wouldn't stop playing the memories, and he knew their order, he knew what was coming next…

            "No – no – _don't ­– stop it – stop –"_

And then suddenly he was being dragged to his feet, and something, someone's hand, slammed into his face, sending him sprawling back onto his chair, and now he couldn't think or remember anything, all he could do was bury his face in his hands and howl…

            "Kai…Kai, come on…"

            Someone was patting his shoulder, shaking him gently.  He blinked, and made out Tetsuo through the blur of tears, looking increasingly concerned.

            "Come on," Tetsuo said.  "You're disrupting the lesson."

            "Fuck the lesson…" he managed to say.

            "Besides, Ja – Mr Takaba'll think he actually hurt you."

            Kai blinked, and saw Mr Takaba standing glaring at them all, holding Kaneda by the collar.

            He scrubbed his jacket sleeve over his eyes, and sat up.  

            "You," Mr Takaba growled, "are gonna be in serious trouble if you keep this up.  You're on probation already, at this rate you'll be banged up behind bars by the end of term.  Get it?"

            Kai nodded, and managed to say, "Sir…"

            Mr Takaba considered him a little longer, evidently decided that he was sufficiently miserable, and turned to Kaneda.

            "You'd better watch out," he snarled.  "You're even worse than him.  Riding through windows…gettin' arrested…leading this gang of troublemakers…"

            "Yes sir, very sorry sir, won't do it again, sir!" Kaneda rattled off, and tried to look sincere.  Mr Takaba hit him across the face, and then turned his attention to Tetsuo.

            "As for you, Shima," he said, "I don't like your attitude.  You probably had something to do with this.  You're young, and you could still change your ways…make something of yourself.  _Do you understand?"_

"Yes, sir," Tetsuo muttered, staring at his feet.

            "Good."  Mr Takaba turned on his heel, and walked out of the classroom.

            The whole class was staring at Kai, he could feel their eyes on him like drips of scalding water.  He would've liked to stare back, but his own eyes were too damp.  They'd see for sure he'd cried.

            "Uh…"  Their teacher glanced at the clock.  "Lesson over.  Class dismissed."

            Slowly, people left, still staring at Kai, still whispering, still looking back.  Kaneda, rubbing his bruised face, walked out, not looking at anyone.  Tetsuo followed Kai, frowning.

            "Kaneda?" he called eventually.  "Where're we going?"

            Kaneda turned.  He was glowering.

            _"I'm _going to eat lunch, and then I'm gonna hang with _my _gang, and _my _bike," he said.  "You two can do whatever you want."

            "Hey, what did _I_ do?" Tetsuo said. 

            "Oh, everything!"  Kaneda carried on walking.  "You're so stupid sometimes, Tetsuo.  Teacher's pet.  'You're still _young.  _You could make something of yourself'.  Yeah, right.  Bullshit."

            "Hey, I could," Tetsuo said.  

            "Like hell you could."

            Kai had a feeling Kaneda was taking out his rage on the nearest available target, and felt a little sorry for Tetsuo, who muttered, "Fine," and kicked at the ground as they carried on walking.

            The sun hit them like a bucket of water as they reached the open air.  Halfway across the playground, Kaneda muttered, "What the hell was wrong with you, anyway, Kai?  I didn't even twist your arm and you just started yelling your head off."

            Kai shrugged.

            "Okay, fine, be a stupid freak and _don't _answer.  I don't care."

            "You just don't get it, do you?" Tetsuo sneered.  "He had flashbacks."

            "Huh?"

            "Someone holding him down on the ground and hurting him…use what passes for a brain in your empty skull, Kaneda."

            Kaneda froze a moment, and then shuddered.

            "Well…well, how was I supposed to know?" he said.

            "You could've figured it out," Tetsuo retorted.  "You could've left him alone in the first place and not started picking on him!"

            "Tetsuo," Kaneda said, in the voice of someone who is only just managing to hold onto his temper, "Just shut up.  Okay?  Just shut up and quit acting dumb."

            Tetsuo scowled, and didn't answer, and the three of them trudged along to the parking lot in dull, angry silence.

            "What happened to your face?" one of the other bikers asked Kaneda as they arrived.

            "He happened to it."  Kaneda hooked a thumb at Kai.  

            "You were fighting?"

            "Yup."

            "Why?"

            "I don't know," Kaneda said.  "On account of he's a fucking psycho and just leapt on me for no reason."

            "He didn't," Tetsuo said.  "You were calling him a freak."

            "Well, he _is _a freak."

            "He isn't!"

            "He is!"

            "He isn't!"

            Kaneda shoved Tetsuo.  "I thought I told you to shut up."

            "You always tell me what to do!" Tetsuo yelled.  "Why can't you just quit it!  Just admit you were wrong for once!"

            Kaneda tensed.  

            "That is _it," _he said.  "I'm gonna eat someplace else.  Someplace where people don't get on my case.  Especially nerds like _you, _or freaks like _you."_

He started to march away.

"Fine!" Tetsuo yelled.  "Well, I'm gonna go eat somewhere where people don't get at people for no reason!"

            He kicked at Kaneda's bike, and then walked off in the opposite direction.

            The others stared at Kai, who was standing in the middle.

            "Nice one," someone said nastily.

            "I'm going too," Kai whispered, and turned, and walked out of the school gates.


	10. On Our Own Together

Chapter Ten – On Our Own Together

Kai lay on his bed again, and wondered why he kept ending up this way.  

            He'd been lying here all afternoon, staring at the sun as it crawled through the cobwebs.  He didn't think he'd ever get up again.

            This wasn't life.  This was death when you were still breathing.  

            And that voice whispered again – _you could make it all death –_

No – no – he wouldn't give in that way.

            _Why not?_

Because he still had something.  

            Yamagata was still alive.  Maybe he hated him or was tired of him or something, but he was there, he hadn't been decapitated or run over or beaten to death in some downtown prison.  He was there.  That was something.

            _But if he finds someone else to be with, he won't be there…and do you really want him to be there with some girl – or some guy – hanging on his arm?_

He pictured it, and sourness slammed into his stomach, and he wanted to leap up and smash something, _now._

He didn't like thinking about it, so he tried to think of something else.

            But he couldn't.  Things kept distracting him.  The itchiness of his blanket underneath him.  The whispering in his mind that told him to get up and die now while he still could.  The rattling from outside, under his window –

            Suddenly there was a huge crash that sounded exactly like a car hitting a pile of dustbins, and a yell, and then a lot of cursing.

            Kai blinked.  That yelling sounded familiar, and it sent a shiver through his body like a very enjoyable stomach-ache.

            Legs shaking, he got up and walked over to the window, and gazed down to the yard behind the dorms where he'd kept his bike.  Pushing up the window, he was drenched with hot air that stank even more than usual of rubbish.

            "Yamagata?" he called.  "You down there?"

            There was a pause for a moment, then someone growled, "This was _supposed _to be secret."

            "What're you doing?"

            Yamagata stepped back into Kai's viewpoint.  "I was bringing your bike back.  It stayed at my place last night.  Only I was wheeling it down here, and I kinda lost control, and hit the trash."

            That explained the dead dustbins strewn all over the ground.  Kai's bike stood in the middle of them, looking smug.

            "Are you okay?"

            "Yeah.  Just my pride."

            "You – you wanna come up?"

            Another pause, then Yamagata said, "Yeah.  All right."

            Kai leant back into the room, closed the window, and waited.  He tried to wait calmly, but it was hard.  He didn't know what to say.  He didn't know what to do.  All he knew was he hadn't been able to let Yamagata walk away.

            He found himself straightening his tie, smoothing his hair, and told himself to stop it.

            The door rattled, and then Yamagata peered round it.

            "Uh – hi," he said.

            "Come in, why don't you?"

            Yamagata did so, seeming to walk extra gently across the floor.

            "So," he said.  "Um.  Why'd you want me to come?"

            "I dunno.  I just…wanted to see you."

            "You saw me last night."

            "I know."

            Kai couldn't look at him.  He almost wished Yamagata would freak, yell at him, tell him what a jerk he was, tell him he'd been unfair.  This quietness – this nervousness – was hard to take.  It was making him itchy with guilt.

            _Go on.  Say it._

So he did.

            "I'm sorry.  I said some stupid shit last night, and…I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it.  I didn't mean any of it.  I just…"

            "Yeah?"

            Yamagata was just standing.  Waiting.  Listening.

            So Kai had to carry on speaking.

            "I just didn't want 'em to know…and I guess, I guess I'm jealous of you – dumb, huh? – and I hate being the one who's always acting like a wimp.  And I'm scared you're sick of it all and tired of me not, you know, letting you do stuff, and you'll go off and find someone else, and then I don't know what I'll do…"

            He stopped, realising these words were getting out of control.

            "So anyway, that's why I yelled at you," he said.  "I didn't mean it.  Hell, if you died I think I'd have to kill myself to go along too.  Anyway…uh…I just wanted to say that.  You can go away now if you want."

            "Do I have to?"

            Kai turned to stare at him.  

            "No," he said.  "No, you don't."

            Yamagata walked towards him, stopped when they were a few inches apart.

            "I don't want to," he said.

            "Good."

            Yamagata stared at him, and frowned.

            "What happened to you?" he said.  "Jaws caught you makin' paper aeroplanes?"

            "Um…not exactly."

            Yamagata shook his head.  "Oh, boy.  What did you do?"

            "Kaneda and I sort of had a fight in business studies."

            "What about?"  

            "Stuff."

            Yamagata's eyes narrowed.  "Like what?"

            "You know, stuff."

            "Stuff about…people having boyfriends?  Stuff about Clowns?"

            "I guess."

            Yamagata touched Kai's face, tilted it gently towards the light.

            "You been crying," he said, and his voice was sharp with anger.

            "Yeah, so?  It don't matter."

            "Course it matters.  What did Kaneda do?  He ain't _that _tough, he couldn't make you howl just because of a few hits.  Jaws can't do that.  C'mon, Kai.  What did he do?"

            Kai kept his eyes fixed on the floor, which shone with sunlight, and kept his voice dull, bored, like this wasn't important.  Like none of it was important.

            "…And then he and Tetsuo both stormed off," he finished, "and I figured I wasn't exactly gonna be welcome with the others, so I came home, and then you turned up.  Thanks for bringing my bike back, by the way.  I was worried about it."

            Yamagata was still silent.  Kai stared at their feet, and then found his eyes rising up over Yamagata, nervously touching the rest of him, snatching glimpses like thoughts you shouldn't be thinking.  

            "Bastards," Yamagata said at last, and he was gritting his teeth, and the air around him hummed with anger.  "Damn it…fucking _bastards."_

"Forget it."

            "Kai, he – he really scared you.  I don't like people who do that to…people I like.  I'm gonna go find him and get him to tell me what the hell he thinks he's playing at."

            "That'll make him happy."

            "I don't care how he feels, he's not getting away with this!"  Yamagata turned, stalked towards the door.  "He's got way too big-headed lately anyway."

            "Wait –"

            Yamagata turned, and Kai suddenly found himself shaking.

            "Please," he said, "please, don't go…yet."

            Yamagata stared at him a while, and then smiled, slowly, gently, like someone diving into a lake.

            "Okay," he said.  "I won't."

            The room seemed smaller.  Kai reached him in a few steps, then reached up, and kissed him.  

            I don't have to be alone, he thought as he did it.  No – I won't be – I won't – Yamagata put his arms round him, stroked his hair, and Yamagata's skin was warm and he was strong and safe and could be trusted – nothing bad would happen when he was there because he was tough – no one had ever hurt him.  

            They stepped back, away from the door, feet brushing each other, and stumbled back, against the side of the bed; Kai felt his knees give way and fell onto it, Yamagata lay down next to him, and held him, and kissed each of the bruises on his face…they throbbed, but they sang too, sang with the joy of being kissed like that.  They weren't stressed about anything; they were just enjoying themselves.  

            His shirt had got untucked, leaving a gap, and Yamagata reached through the gap and touched his bare skin – he might have gasped, he didn't remember, but it felt so…intimate, that was it.  No one else had ever stroked his ribs, no one else had run a finger down his spine…no one else had ever kissed his neck like that and let them press his cheek into their hair…

            _But someone else fucked you, and that's what this is leading up to, right?_

It was like a slap.  Or a thin, sharp needle.  

            Because it tore open a different set of thoughts, bad thoughts, bad rainy thoughts, and he tried to bring himself back to the present, but it didn't work, it didn't, it was like being ill, all you could think about was that one thing; it gripped his wrists and crawled in his stomach and filled his mouth, and suddenly he wrenched himself away from Yamagata, wondering if he might actually be sick.

            "Kai?  What's wrong?"

            He couldn't speak, because his teeth were gritting and those thoughts were icy in his brain – _screw you you fucking bastards screw you –_

Leave me – leave me alone –

            Someone took his hands, gently held them, and called, "Kai…come on, snap out of it…"

            And then, their voice shaking like a child's, they said, _"Please…"_

_            He's as scared as I am…_

Kai opened his eyes, and stared into Yamagata's.

            "It was me, wasn't it?"  Yamagata was trembling.  "I – I went too far, or something, I hurt you…Kai, I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry…"

            "You didn't do _anything.  _It was my own dumb mind."

            "I didn't mean to…"

            "Didn't you listen?  I said it was me!"

            They stared at each other for a moment.

            "Maybe I should go now," Yamagata said at last.

            "Maybe you should."  The words weren't thought about, he didn't mean them, but they were the only things holding back the tears and the disappointment – _they got in another way – he can't protect me – why can't he –_

            "Okay.  See you tomorrow?"

            "When?"  Kai swallowed, and stared down at a rip in the blanket.  "You're coming to school?"

            "Yeah."  The word was like a shot.

            "Okay.  I'll see you, then."

Yamagata clattered down the steps and out into the choking heat.  The air was thick with petrol, making his eyes sting.  And it was _just _the petrol.  Nothing else.

            "Stupid," he cursed himself.  "Stupid, stupid, _stupid!"_

He'd made Kai upset, and he should've – should've _not _made him upset.  He'd thought he was making him happy.  But he hadn't been.  He couldn't do _anything.  _

            "Stupid!" he yelled again, and kicked at the wall, sending up a spatter of dust.

            If things'd been different, he wouldn't be here now.  He'd still be up in Kai's room, and they'd still be having fun, they'd still be…

            But instead everything sucked, and it was all his fault –

            No.  _No.  _It was those damn Clowns' fault.  And Kaneda's fault, for being such a jerk.  Yeah, especially Kaneda's fault.  Kaneda was supposed to be Kai's _friend.  _Like hell he was a friend.  He'd scared Kai to pieces…

            Yamagata swallowed as he remembered the fear on the other boy's face.  Kai must've been like that in class…and he wouldn't have been happy having everyone see it.  Nuh-uh.  

            _Yeah, and you made him confess it in front of everyone in the first place, didn't you?_

Oh, shut up! he yelled at his mind.  What was I s'posed to do?  Everyone's making it so hard.  

            And you're supposed to be able to rely on your friends.

            Yeah, right.  

            And fury was rising through him, rising like heat through stone, and it hurt.  

            Some friends.  Some damn friends.  No, they weren't his friends, not now.  It was like fire, thinking this stuff, because before, before he'd been angry with them at times, but now – now he was furious.  Now he wanted to kill them.  Now he wanted to beat their brains out.  Now he wanted to see them drool blood onto the tarmac.  He hated them.  He hated them…

Deep down, something told him this was dumb, that you didn't need to hate your friends, but he couldn't hear it properly, because every time he tried thinking sensibly, he remembered Kai, Kai screaming, and then all the anger came back again, broken glass in his throat and stone and blades in his hands.

Kaneda and Tetsuo and everyone, soon as they heard about people being different they didn't want to know.

            _Oh, like you did with Kai when this all started?_

Will you shut up?  Geez, his mind was supposed to be on his side, wasn't it?  

            _And you hit him and you yelled at him and ignored him and treated him like nothing, go on, admit it.  _

Well, I didn't mean it!  I, I, well, I'm good to him now, right?  I try to be, anyway.  It's just everyone else.  It's just everyone else, and why can't those bastards just leave us alone?

            He looked up.  He stood in front of the school gates.  It was nearly the end of lessons, they'd all be coming out.  Yeah.  Heading home, thinking they were so damn smart and so great.  Well, they _weren't.  _They were jerks, stupid fucking jerks who'd picked on Kai…

            The world rippled in the heat, like parts of it were dissolving.  And through the ripples he saw them, the rest of the gang, slinking out of the buildings.

            Even if he hadn't spoken to Kai, he'd have figured there was something wrong.  Kaneda was walking out in front, hands in his pockets, kicking up clouds of dust.  Tetsuo was off to the side, arms folded, mouth pinched with fury.  Everyone else was in the middle, looking at the other two, rolling their eyes, whispering.

            _Whispering about me and him._

Right.

            The anger pushed him forward, and made him yell.

            "Kaneda!"

            Kaneda looked up, squinted into the sun.  "Huh?  Yamagata –"

            "Yeah.  And you're dead."

            "What did I do now?"  Kaneda rubbed his blackened eye.  "I've had enough of people jumping on me –"

            "You jumped on _him,_ you bastard, and you know it –"  And then he'd reached Kaneda, and then punched him, hard, and sent him flying backwards into the dust.

            Kaneda muttered something like "Oh, no, not again," and then, shaking his head, a line of blood starting to ooze from his nose, said, "Look, if this is about Kai, I didn't know he was gonna act like that –"

            "Like hell you didn't!"

            "I didn't!  You know, this may be hard for you to believe, but I'm actually on your side.  We're in the same gang, remember?"

            "If you're on our side, how come you called Kai a freak and made him feel like shit?  How's that being on our side?"

            Kaneda rubbed the blood off his face.  "I'm not acting like you're freaks.  I'm totally cool with it.  Honest.  I just –"

            "Don't fucking lie to me.  You're just saying that so I won't kill you.  Really you're too much of a wimp to know how to deal with it.  You can't deal with anything except a flat tyre on that junk heap of a bike."

            Kaneda's eyes narrowed.  He leapt to his feet.

            "Fine," he snarled.  "So I can't deal with it.  You know what?  I don't want to.  You're a pair of perverts and you make me sick."

            Tetsuo gasped, and he and the others turned to stare at Kaneda, who brushed the dust off his clothes, scowled, and said, "So, now what?  You can beat me senseless and you ain't changing my mind."

            Yamagata stared at him, feeling like he'd just run into a wall that had appeared out of nowhere.  He'd expected something bad, but – but not actually this.  

            _You're not my friend any more…_

            "So – what, then?" he said.  "You kicking me out?"

            Kaneda shrugged.  "I dunno.  I just…"  He swallowed.  "Yeah.  Fine.  You're out."

            "Kai as well?" Tetsuo said.  "But – they're like two of our best riders –"

            "Shut up!" Kaneda yelled at him.  "I'm the leader!  I say they're out, they're out!  I don't need you arguing!"

            Tetsuo stared at him a moment, then gritted his teeth, and turned his back, and stared down at his feet.

            "Don't worry 'bout it," Yamagata called to him.  "You lot've been getting real old for ages now.  I'll be glad to get out of here."  
            He wasn't so angry now.  He just felt – felt like they'd ripped his heart out or something.  Shock.  _This ain't really happening.  It's a joke._

And yet it had to be happening, otherwise was the air so angry?  It scratched at his face, and it was heavy with heat, and he could feel the rage oozing through it.  

            _But you guys are my friends…_

No.  Not now.

            He made himself start walking.  He could feel them watching.  Well, fuck them.  He wouldn't look round.  Why'd he care anyway?  He didn't need them.  They couldn't do nothing to him.

            _But they're my friends…_

He walked out of the school gates, turned the corner.  The ground was hot through the soles of his shoes.  

            "Yamagata?"

            Footsteps, he looked round.  But it was only Tetsuo, and who needed him?

            "What?" he snapped.

            "I – I just…"  Tetsuo scowled.  "Just wanted to see…you know…"

            "Come to see how much I _don't _care?"

            "What're you gonna do now?"

            "I dunno.  Tell Kai.  Go down the Harukiya and celebrate being free."

            "I – I'm sorry."

            "Quit being a wimp.  You don't need to be sorry.  I ain't."

            Tetsuo kicked at the ground.  "Well…I just meant I thought it was unfair."

            "Thanks for the support," Yamagata said nastily.  "Now go back to your friends."

            "See you at the Harukiya later?"

            "Maybe.  Yeah.  Whatever."  Geez, why wouldn't Tetsuo just leave him alone?  He wanted to be on his own, wanted to – not to think about this.  No.  But whatever, being sociable to someone he was only kind of friends with was so _not_ what he wanted to do.  "Now piss off."

            He didn't look back to see how Tetsuo reacted.  Instead he began to walk back to Kai's, his feet stinging as they brushed the sunburnt ground.

Suki tried not to trip over her high heels.  Running was hard enough without falling into the dust, and she was really pleased with her new skirt.  But this was important.  She'd just seen Yamagata heading out the gates, and maybe he was in a better mood now.  Maybe he'd talk to her again.  Maybe they could make up…

            She skidded to a halt at the gates, and looked round.  "Yamagata?  You here?"

            "Use your eyes, you dumb bitch.  Does he _look _like he's here?"

            She looked up, and saw that Tetsuo kid slumped against the wall.  His fists were clenched, and the skin was smeared with white patches like fat on bacon.

            "Fine," she said.  "Excuse me for not noticing him.  Where is he?"

            "Gone home."

            "Will he be around later?"

            "I dunno.  He's just been kicked out of the gang, he ain't anything to do with me."

            "What?"  Suki felt her mouth fall open.  "No way!  I've gotta find him…"  He might be needing comfort, and she was _good _at providing comfort.

            Tetsuo smirked.  "Well, he'll be at the Harukiya later tonight…but you mightn't want to bother looking.  He won't be interested in you."

            "Why not?"  Suki straightened up, sticking out her chest.  "I ain't _that _ugly."

            Tetsuo shook his head.  "No, but you got some problems.  I know his type, and his type ain't you."

            "Well – well, who is it then?"

            "You know Kai?"

            "Yeah."

            Tetsuo's smile widened, and he glanced up at the sun, which blazed on his face.  "That's his type."

            Suki frowned at him, trying to understand the comment – and then felt a sharp stab in her stomach as she put several pieces of a puzzle together.

            _"Fuck!"_

She kicked the wall, and yelped as her varnished toes connected with the brick.

            Tetsuo laughed.  "See?  You may as well give up."

            "Are you telling me he's – all the time I – he's – Kai – oh, _shit!"_

"It's a cruel world," Tetsuo muttered, and pushed himself off the wall, and slunk off down the street, his shadow stretching out behind him.

            Suki groaned, and felt tears gather behind her eyes.  Oh, shit…all that time…she must have looked so stupid!  Why couldn't anyone have told her?  Would it have hurt them that much?  Instead…wasting all that time trying to stick with him…

            She couldn't go home.  Hiroko and Ima were waiting, she'd told them she was going to track him down once and for all.  Now they'd be wanting all the news, and she'd have to…tell them…watch them giggle…so damn stupid…oh, _shit!_

Home was one direction.

            She took the other, and rushed away, down to the derelict area.  The oil-smeared road and boarded-up shops blurred as the tears escaped her eyes and dragged her makeup down her face.  She heard herself start to howl, bit her lip, felt her lipstick smear itself over her teeth.  Oh, shit!

            Her legs were too tired, and her feet hurt from those stupid new high heels.  So she sat down on the steps of the disused bowling alley, and rested her face in her knees, and let the tears come.

Chip was bored, and he was also cross.  His face hurt – still – and he was sick of having a broken nose.  And he was sick of all the cracks the others kept making about him being beat up by a fag.  Joker was mad with him too.  Joker thought he shouldn't have been mashed up by one guy.  So Joker had told him to stay home and mind the Star Bowl while everyone else went out riding, or dealing, or other stuff.

            And the rat inside him was mad too, pacing and snapping at his weakness.  It wanted more pain.

            There was a faint sobbing sound, oozing through the sticky air.  At first he wondered if he was imagining it, but when he tried to think of another sound, it still hung around, so he figured it must be real.

            Hmm.  He got up, and walked over rotted bowling pins to the cracked entrance.

            There was a girl sitting on the front step, face buried in her hands.  He couldn't see much of her from this angle, just a pink dress which showed a large amount of back and shoulder, tangled red-brown hair, and a cute ass.  

            "Hey," he called.  "What's with you?"

            She jumped, turned round.  Yeah, she was pretty hot.  Finally, something good happening.

            "Oh, shit," she gasped, her face turning white.  "You're – you're a Clown – oh, hell –"

            "How'd you know?"  He fingered his bow tie.  "You go with bikers, then?"

            "I did until today," she spat.

            "What happened?"  He came to sit next to her.  

            She was crying again.  Burying her face in her legs, and sobbing out a long sentence which sounded to Chip like, "Fucking bastards…never _told _me…so damn stupid…everyone'll laugh…and I never guessed…and that freak…oh, shit!"

            "What?  Never told you what?  Some guy screwed around on you?"

            "I wish!  Then I could've won him back!  No, he's – he's – oh…" 

            And she was off on the tears again.

            Chip put his arm round her.  Right round her, and her breast lay against his fingers soft and smooth as ice-cream.  

            "Come on," he said.  "You can tell me."

            "Really?"

            "Uh-huh."

            She sniffed.  "Well, I thought I liked this guy…and I thought he liked me…and he was avoiding me…and so I figured it was, I dunno…but then his friend told me, today.  It was all useless, because you know what?  I've been trying to get together with him, and – and he's _gay!"_

And then she burst into tears again, and howled into his shirt.

            "Who is this guy, then?" Chip said, stroking her hair with one hand and her bra strap with the other.  "Would I know him?"

            "I think so…they've been fighting you guys for ages, only he's been kicked out now…"  She gulped, sat up a little.  "Well, I'm not chasing round after him any more.  I've _had _it with fucking men!  He can just go sit in the Harukiya on his own!  Or with his dumb dwarf boyfriend, I don't care, I don't care!"

            Chip felt a smirk bend itself over his face.  Yeah.  Come on, it _had _to be.  A biker in a gang they'd been fighting for ages…a gay guy with a dwarf boyfriend…it had to be.  

            "So…" he said, looking down at her, and wriggling closer, pressing himself against her curves.  "He's going to the Harukiya tonight, is he?"

            "That's what his friend said."

            "Cool."

            "Why?  You know him too?"

            "Uh…sort of."

            "But what am I gonna do?  They all thought I was gonna get him to go out with me and I haven't…I'm so dumb…"

            "So just get another boyfriend."

            "Yeah, right, like _that'll _happen."

            "Aw, don't worry.  Here, why don't you come inside, and tell me some more about your other guy?"

            "All right."  

            She sniffed, and stood up, wobbling on her stilettos, and followed Chip into the bowling alley.

It was twilight, and the fading sun rustled against the frayed curtains.  Kai leant back on the itchy, hard sofa and sighed.  

            "So…they really did kick us out," he said.

            "Kaneda kicked us out.  I don't think the others really care.  And I don't, either."

            "You don't?"  Kai twisted round to look at Yamagata, who was leaning forward, focusing on the silent, black-and-white TV screen.

            Yamagata didn't answer a moment.  Kai moved closer to him, leant his head against the other guy's shoulder.  

            "Well, maybe I kind of care," Yamagata said at last, slumping back against the sofa himself.  "But…there's nothing we can do, is there?  I don't wanna beg them, and they wouldn't listen anyway."

            "So…we're on our own."

            "We're on our own together," Yamagata said, putting an arm round him.  "Could be worse, huh?"

            "I guess."

            "You could try soundin' a little more like you meant it," Yamagata said, but there was a grin in his voice.  "Don't worry, okay?  It'll all be cool."

            Kai didn't answer.  He couldn't quite believe Yamagata on this one, but he knew the guy was right.  They did still have each other, which was a lot better than what they could have had.  Vegetating on a dingy couch in front of second-rate pre-evening TV was a lot better when you had someone else on the couch with you.  Especially when it was someone you could lean against.

            Of course everything would be cool.  His mind knew that.  It was the rest of him that didn't.

            "I promise," Yamagata continued.  "I'm gonna _make _it cool."

            "Yamagata the Great is on the case?"

            "Hell, yeah."

            Kai wriggled closer, drew his knees up to his body and let himself relax into Yamagata's shoulder and chest.  They were breathing together, slow, quiet, heavy in the stuffy, half-lit air.  This was nice.  This was peaceful.

            Yamagata kissed him, gently, nervously it felt.  He closed his eyes and relaxed into that too.  

            "Told you I'd make it cool," Yamagata whispered.

            Kai didn't answer, just kept his eyes closed and bathed in the warmth and shivering the kiss had made.

            "Kai?  You're all right…aren't you?"

            "Yeah…yeah, I'm fine.  No way am I gonna stop liking kissing."

            Because they hadn't kissed him.  They'd split his lips and cut his tongue and tried to crush his throat, but they hadn't kissed him, and he was glad – he was so glad – because that meant kissing was still something that belonged to him and Yamagata and no one else –

            "One day," he said, "one day I am going to be over all this, and, and then it won't need to be just kissing.  Okay?  One day.  I'm not gonna be like this all the time.  I'm not."  

            _Please don't let me be –_

            "With such a great guy as me hanging around?  Course you won't be.  Don't worry, we got time."

            "Over a week?  This a record for you?"

            Yamagata laughed.  Kai liked leaning against him when he laughed.  You didn't just hear the joy, you felt it, and that was nice.  

            _Please don't let me be like this all the time._

He wanted his mind to be normal again.  Why was it remembering things, why was it making him choke on them?  Why couldn't he just forget it all?

            One day.  Yeah.  One day he'd be lying against Yamagata and he wouldn't be thinking _this is okay cos it's nothing like **that** –    _

            Kai sighed, and half-stared at the flickering TV again.  Some pop singer, wailing silently from the screen.  

            He yawned.  Hadn't been getting enough sleep lately…his head was full of tiredness.  He shut his eyes again.  It was okay to sleep here.  He was safe.  Yamagata was stroking his hair.

"I'm not scared of you any more!" he was yelling.  It was the alleyway.  He'd come down there to confront it, they'd made him, and now he shouted.  But he wasn't scared.  He _wasn't.  _He wasn't, because Yamagata was standing next to him, and would always be there.

            "Your boyfriend's going to die!" Chip yelled.  "I saw that dream too!  It's gonna come true, and then you'll be all on your own and you won't be able to do anything!"

            "He's not going to die!  Nothing's gonna happen to him, he's going to be all right!"

            Chip laughed, and suddenly it was raining.  Kai cried out as the icy water covered him, freezing him…and there were shapes…shapes coming towards him…and he knew who they were…

            And he was alone.  Yamagata was gone.  He was dead.

            Kai screamed his name over and over again, but the rainwater filled his mouth and drowned him, and then the shapes reached him and and and –

            "Kai, wake up!"

            Someone was shaking him, and the rain had gone, it had gone away and it was warm in here, and the TV still flickered, and the last rays of sun slid along the dusty floor.

            "You were yelling my name," Yamagata observed from above him, "but it didn't sound like one of _those _dreams."

            "It wasn't."  Kai shuddered, and tried not to remember anything.  "It was bad."

            _Your boyfriend's going to die…_

"You're all right, aren't you?" he asked.  "You're not ill.  You're not suicidal.  You're not anything.  There's nothing wrong with you and you're going to live to a ripe old age and die surrounded by grieving great-grandchildren."

            Yamagata frowned at him.  "Sure, I'm fine."  He snorted.  "I mean I really am, not your excuses.  I ain't ill, I ain't suicidal, and I'm cool with living to a ripe old age, only I don't know where I'll get the great-grandchildren from.  Why?"

            "Oh…no reason."  
            "Kai!"

            "No, really!  I just…one time I had a dream and someone told me you were going to die, and…you know."

            "Hah, no dream's gonna kill me."

            _But lots of other things could.  _Kai swallowed.  

            "Don't worry about it," Yamagata said, glancing at his nervous face.  "Gettin' scared by a dream?  Dreams don't mean anything.  If they do, Kaneda really is a purple chicken."

            "You're weird," Kai said, absently, because he was repeating it to himself, over and over again…_dreams don't mean anything…dreams don't mean anything…_

But those voices.  It seemed so long ago now.  Before…everything.  Far away, in the back of his mind, he tried to remember.  Suki racing him to school…and voices…childlike voices calling to him…_Akira…_

            _You're going to be hurt and your boyfriend's going to die…_

"They knew," he whispered.  "That girl…she knew.  She knew."

            "Huh?  Knew what?"

            "They predicted it," Kai said, and he could hear his voice starting to shake, with anger or misery, he wasn't sure which.  "They told me I was gonna be hurt.  And haven't I been?  Haven't I been hurt more than anything else ever could've?  And then – then they said you were gonna die."

            "Coincidence."

            "It can't be."

            "Kai, it's coincidence!"

            "It was raining!  In the dream, it was raining!  Just like it did in real life!  And they said…they said you'd die and – one of the others would join them and…"

            "And how exactly am I gonna die?"  Yamagata snorted.  "I'm careful.  I'm a good rider, I won't get smashed on a bike.  The cops ain't gonna catch me, so I won't get knifed or nothing in stir.  I don't feel like slitting my wrists, I ain't sick, I can cross the road okay and I'm smart enough to get out if there's a fire.  What else could go wrong?"

            "I…"

            Kai stopped, and sighed.

            "I don't know," he said at last.  "I'm just scared, is all."

            "Don't be.  I'm here now, ain't I?"

            "Yeah."

            Yamagata reached for the remote control.

            "How many channels has this set got?"

            "Uh…two.  And one static one, and one that only works on Thursdays."

            "And nothin' interesting.  Okay."  Yamagata flicked the TV off.  "Hey, you know what?  We ain't ridden together since you lost your bike that time.  That's way too long ago."

            "Oh, yeah.  I guess we haven't."

            "Come on.  Let's go for a ride, go really, really far, and then come back for a quick drink at the Harukiya – if you're okay with that –"

            "I'll be fine."

            "And then go back to one of our places, and…chill.  Sounds good?"

            "Sounds great."  Kai stood up.  "Sure you can bear to get up off that sofa?"

            Yamagata leapt to his feet.  "Just watch me."

            He put an arm round Kai's shoulders, and they headed out of the room.

"You better be right about this," Joker muttered to Chip.  "If you ain't, we've wasted a whole evening and the Capsules are snatchin' the streets."

            "Well, that bitch said he'd be here."  Chip shrugged, and picked at a knothole on the bar.  "That's all I know."

            "He ain't here yet, is he?"     

            "He will be."

            Chip sighed, and tried to ignore the tight, nervous feeling in his stomach.  If that jerk didn't show, Joker would _not _be pleased.  And when Joker wasn't pleased, no one was pleased.  

            Not to mention Chip wouldn't get his revenge.  And this was a good set-up for revenge.  The Harukiya was filled with undercover Clowns, the barman had dozed off after drinking some specially mixed beer, and the other Capsules were nowhere to be seen.

            Joker sighed, and slurped the last of his drink.  "Chip, I'm gettin' real bored here.  Are ya –"

            Suddenly he stopped.

            "What is it?" Chip said.

            A broken-toothed smile crawled across Joker's face.  "Bikes."

            He pushed himself off the bar, and stepped into the shadows.  

            Chip ducked down as if to pick up something from the lower shelves, and listened as two pairs of feet clattered down the stairs.

            Let it be.  Please let it be them.

"That was…cool."

            Yamagata glanced at Kai, and was pleased.  The guy's face was glowing, windswept and normal and _happy.  _Yeah, happy.  He loved it when Kai was happy.

            "We could go back now, if you want," he said.  

            "Nah.  May as well get a drink or summat, right?"  Kai smiled.  "Anyway, nothing can bring me down now.  That was one of the best rides I ever did."

            They'd gone right through Neo-Tokyo, dodging through the gridlock, racing, weaving around each other, ridden right to the outskirts where people still slept at night, where the houses were dark and silent and trees clawed across the sky.  And then they'd stopped, and stood, staring up into the night, arms round each other, and then kissed, lips cold with night air.

            It had been _good._

"Okay, then," Yamagata said as they got to the bottom of the steps.  "Maybe we better act like – friends, though.  You dunno who's gonna be in there."

            "You think the guys will be?"

            Yamagata shrugged.  "Maybe, and for once I _ain't _in the mood for a fight."

            "Wow.  I must be having an effect."

            Yamagata pushed the door open, and stepped into the stuffy bar.  It seemed pretty quiet in there, so he figured business must be bad.  Oh well.  He was doing a public service by coming in, then.

            As he reached the bar, there was a scrabbling sound, and that Chip bastard rose up from behind it.  Yamagata heard Kai gasp, and clenched his fists.

            "Since when did you get to serve drinks?" he said.  "You're the bottle-washer here.  Or did you forget?"

            Chip scowled.  Yamagata felt smug as he noticed the other guy's bruises.

            "I'm covering," he said.  "So, what'll it be, _guys?"_

"Nothing if you're giving it to us.  I wouldn't trust you not to put summat in it."

            Chip shrugged.  "I guess you're right.  I got all sorts of stuff here.  Stuff to make you high, stuff to bring you low, stuff to make you mad for it – you might want some of that for him."

            The world went very quiet.  Yamagata stepped right up to Chip and stared into his eyes, so angry he was surprised the other guy's pupils didn't burst into flames.

            "Which is meant to mean what?" he hissed.

            "Hey, I don't reckon you're getting any," Chip said sweetly.  "Your _boyfriend _looks like he'd faint at the idea."  
            Yamagata really, _really _wanted to punch him again.  But no.  Kai was there, and they hadn't come to fight, they'd come to have a good time.  They were going to walk out.  No violence.

            "I'll pass, thanks," he said.  "Don't waste it on people who don't need it."

            "So what will you have, then?"

            "Nothing.  We're out of here."

            He turned away, back towards Kai, who was standing, shoulders hunched against the darkness, eyes quivering as he glanced nervously around them.

            Chip snorted.

            "Oh, no, you're not," he said.

            "Huh?"

            And shapes – darkened, slumped figures – rose up out of the chairs and from the shadows, and blocked the door, and stood, surrounding them, laughing.

            "Welcome to Clown Night," Chip said, calmly.  "We're gonna make you pay for what you did to me."

            Yamagata felt as though he was slowly being turned to ice.  Frozen with fear, and he couldn't move – couldn't think – he met Kai's eyes, Kai and his face was aching with terror – and that was the problem, wasn't it?  On his own there was only himself to worry about, but now there was Kai too and something bad was _so _gonna happen –

            "Get 'em, boys," another voice – the Clown's leader.

            The first punch – one of the shadows hit out, and Kai stumbled, clutching his face, and one of the others grabbed his arms, and flung him forward, onto the dusty ground, lying in the circle of Clowns.

            He didn't move, and Yamagata was pretty sure he knew why.  If he'd been scared enough by that fight with Kaneda, earlier, what would this be doing to him?  How could he fight back?  How could he?  How dare they?  How dare they make him like this?  How dare they wreck the evening like this?

            And the fury roared up and burnt through the ice, and as they charged towards him, he was able to try and fight back – he was able to crunch the faces of a few of them – but he couldn't take' em all out on his own – and then – then something hit him, hard, on the side of the head, and he fell back, and the dizziness made it too hard to get up…

_Get me out of here –_

Kai tasted blood, warm and damp on his tongue.  They'd split the inside of his mouth when they'd punched him.  

            _Get me out –_

So frightened.  Waves of it, breaking over him, and when it hit it was so strong he couldn't bear it.  

            _Help me help me –_

And it was useless trying to tell himself the fear was crazy, because it wasn't.  The Clowns had got him and they would do it again, he knew it, and there was nothing he could do…

            _Let me die, oh God please let me die…_

            Except lie here, the floor cold and sticky against his skin, and listen, and wait –

            Except – 

            Except it wasn't just him who was in trouble.  It wasn't just him…

            Yamagata.

            He raised his head, and squinted into the half-dark, and heard grunts, and the sound of fists hitting flesh – 

            And then they let Yamagata fall, and he crumpled to the ground, and lay still, and Kai felt a scream stick in his throat.

            Footsteps, footsteps striding towards them.  Kai looked up, and made out Chip, standing above him, smirking.

            "What's it like down there?" he said.  "Dust tastes good?"

            Kai didn't want to answer, didn't want to look at him, just wanted to stay here and hope they left him alone, but of course, they wouldn't, they wouldn't…

            Chip shrugged and turned his attention to Yamagata, prodded him with a foot.

            "Looks like your buddy ain't so tough after all," he called to Kai.  "Sad, huh?  It would've been nice for him to wake up, then he could've watched us have fun with you."

            Kai gritted his teeth, and tried to ignore the second half of the sentence.

            "He's tough enough…" he gasped.  "He beat up _you…_only I guess you don't need to be tough to do that…"

            Chip flipped him off, then kicked Yamagata hard in the ribs.  Kai heard himself cry out, and then the sniggers of the Clowns, like the popping of flames.

            _Stop it, stop it – _but this wasn't him they were hurting – _stop it –_ no, it was worse, it was worse because he should do something, he had to do something –

            The fear changed.  It was no longer heavy and holding him down, it was like ice-water in his blood, waking him up, hurting but helping him to think…

            There was no one else around – there was only him – and so –

            _I'll hurt you, _he thought at Chip as the Clown kicked at Yamagata again, and slowly, shifted position so that he could get up, slowly, slowly…

            Chip was saying stuff, but he was no longer listening.

            Yamagata groaned, his eyes flickered, shiny in his bruised, twisted face.

            "Cool, you're awake again…"

            The world shrank, to nothing but Chip, Yamagata and him –

            And as Chip started another kick, Kai pushed himself up off the ground and ran – grabbed Chip and slammed him hard onto the floor, and then, clutching Chip's panicked, taut throat, raised the Clown's head and smashed it into the floor, over and over again.  And he _wasn't _scared, not now.  He was just angry.

            Footsteps, heavy behind him, and then hands, grabbing his arms, wrenching him off, and someone smacked him round the face, and he felt more blood ooze down his chin.

            "Chip?" someone called.  "You okay down there?"

            There was silence.  Kai smiled from an aching mouth.

            "Aw, he ain't so tough after all?" he said.  "Breaks your heart, don't it?"

            "You little bastard –"  And then one of them socked him in the stomach, and he doubled over, the world jumping and twisting as the pain tore through him.

            "Kai…"

            Yamagata was struggling to stand, but he wasn't managing it.  Their eyes met, and Kai sighed.  _We're really done for this time, _he thought to Yamagata.  He wasn't scared any more – sort of dizzy, like when you got so tired you weren't tired any more, you'd got used to it.  The future was gonna involve a lot of pain, but that wasn't important – what was important was that they were going to hurt Yamagata too – and he didn't want that to happen – he really didn't – 

            The door of the Harukiya burst open.

            "…and I'm telling you, I _what the hell?"_

            Kaneda, Tetsuo and the rest of the bikers gaped at the scene in front of them.

            "What's going on?" Tetsuo said, squinting into the darkness.  "Kai?  Yamagata…uh-oh…"

            "Looks like they've turned the Harukiya into a circus," Kaneda said, clenching his fists.  "Come on, guys."

            "But…Yamagata and Kai aren't in our gang any more," someone said.

            "Yeah, but…but…the Harukiya is our hang-out!"  Kaneda clenched his fists.  "And it's on our turf."

            "It's our hang-out now," a Clown said.

            "No way.  Now, you gonna get out, or are we gonna throw you out?"

            "Bring it on," Joker growled from the back of the room.  

            "No!"  One of the Clowns holding Kai.  "Look…we got your pal…you come a step closer…"  Kai felt someone grab the back of his neck, and winced as sharpness, coldness, caressed the side of his throat.  "You come any closer, I'll stick him…"

            The knife was shaking, tracing out swirling lines across Kai's skin.  He tried not to notice it.  But that wasn't exactly easy.  It was death, death touching him, and if it just bit, his life, his messy, screwed-up, too-short life, would spill out and ooze down his shirt…

            Did he want that?

            Not while Yamagata was still in trouble, no way –

            He'd done one thing good; Chip still lay silent.  He could do another – he was on a roll when it came to sticking up for himself.  He could do other things.  He could do anything – if they only didn't kill him –

            Kaneda was glowering.  Kai could see he was torn between rushing forward and beating the crap out of somebody, and not getting someone's throat slit.  

            And I'm not even in his gang, he thought.  And I'm a freak and a pervert and whatever else he said.  Why should he care?  It's the Harukiya he's fighting for…

            _Please don't kill me, please please don't kill me…_

_Yamagata__…_

"Come on," Tetsuo said to the Clowns.  "You don't need to do that.  You're scared we'll beat you?"

            "We ain't scared," Joker snarled.  "Come on, Kin, let go of him, I ain't scared of none of these punks."

            "He's hurt Chip!" yelled the guy with the knife.  "I ain't letting him get away with that!"

            "Oh, and like Chip was so innocent," Kai muttered.  "Excuse me for trying to stop him beating on someone else –"

            Sharpness bit into his face, and he heard Yamagata cry out.

            "Quit it!" Kaneda snapped.  "You touch him and we'll pulp you."

            Behind him, the largest Capsule tapped a broken fender against his palm.

            "You're trapped," Kaneda said, and his eyes were narrowed and he was tense with rage.  "We're gonna beat you whatever you do.  You make us mad, and we might just kill you."        

            Kai felt blood pulse up through the cut on his jawbone.  It was hot, and itched at his skin.  He wished they'd let go of him so he could rub it off.

            "Guys, out the back!" a Clown yelled from by the bar.  "Quick, we can get our bikes –"

            Clowns started running towards the exit that led out to the alley.  The two holding Kai let go of him, but then the one with the knife turned back – blade shiny in the dark –

            Kai dived, felt the knife scrape his forehead instead of his throat, kicked out and felt the guy topple.  The knife was thrown clattering across the dusty floor, both Kai and the Clown dived for it – Kai's fingers closed on the hilt as the Clown landed on top of him – he twisted as the other guy grabbed at his wrist and wrenched his fingers off the blade –

            "Gotcha!"

            The Clown sat up, grinning with triumph as he clutched the knife.

            "Now I'll make you sorry –"

            Kai punched him hard, and leapt to his feet as the Clown fell backwards.

            "Just get out," he snarled.  "Or are you scared of the rest of them?"

            "Fuck you –"

            "Or…help your friend…" Yamagata whispered, hooking a wobbly thumb at Chip.  "Help him before…before we fucking kill him…he _ain't _our…favourite guy…"

            The Clown swallowed, glanced from them to Chip, then – then shoved the knife back into his pocket, and grabbed Chip, hauling him to his feet, and dragged him out of the Harukiya.

            Kai waited until he heard the door shut, and then ran over to Yamagata.  "Are you all right?"

            "I'm…fine…"

            "That's my excuse and I'm wise to it."  He dropped down next to Yamagata, clutched his hand, hugged him, desperate suddenly to make it okay again, to help, to _do _something.   

            Outside there was a series of crashes, the roars of bikes, and someone yelling.  Kai figured the Capsules had gone round to the alley by the bar, met up with the Clowns, and started a good old-fashioned brawl.  Well, for once he'd stay out of it.  He had other fish to fry.

            _"You _all right?" Yamagata asked, pointing up to the cut on Kai's face.  

            "Yeah."

            "I – I thought…he'd kill you…"

            "I thought they were gonna kill you."  As Kai said it the fear suddenly shot back into his veins, icy cold, and he began to shiver.  "I thought…"

            He stopped.  He didn't want to say what he'd thought.

            "Hah…none of my girlfriends were ever this much trouble…"  Yamagata tried to push himself up into a sitting position, and winced. 

            "It's the bike thing."  Kai put an arm round his shoulders.  "Can you stand?"

            "I'll get back to ya…"  Yamagata blinked.  "Kai…they, they were gonna do…bad stuff."

            "I know."

            "And, and if they had…I woulda had to…I dunno…do something…it's like – you know…"  He swallowed, and closed his eyes a moment.

            "You can tell me later, if you want," Kai said.  "You are sort of injured, you know."

            "No…Kai, listen.  You're…great, you know that?  You're really nice and, and you make me laugh, and you're smart, and you're cute, and…"  He shivered, drew his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them.  "Man…I feel dizzy."

            "Probably concussion.  Look, we should get you someplace safe…like a hospital –"

            "Just let me _finish," _Yamagata said sternly.  "This ain't…easy…I gotta find the words and my head feels all black and they're all in the dark…so zip it and let me finish…how long we being going out?"

            "About three weeks, I think."  

            "Yeah, well, that ain't _really _long…not stupid sappy-couple long…but you were my friend before, right, so it counts?"

            "Course it counts."  Kai stroked his back, gently.  "Cos that's when we found out all the basic stuff, like that we both think bikes are cool."

            "Yeah…well, I…really like you, is all.  That's what I wanted to say.  I really like you and…you know…"

            Kai felt a smile spread across his bruised, bleeding face, like sunlight, or butter, or gold.  

            "Thanks," he said.  "I…really like you too."

            "Good…uh…Kai?"

            "Mm?"

            "I think I need a new head…this one's seeing double…"

            "Come on.  Let's get you down to casualty."

            "I…don't _do…_hospitals…"

            "Tough.  You're not well."  He relished the words.  For once _he _was the strong one.

            "Look…I'm the one who…does the looking after…I'm the tall one…"

            "Then how come I, the shorter one, am the one who ain't dizzy?"

            "Ah, shut up…"

(To be continued – please r+r!)


	11. Make This Jump

Chapter Eleven – Make This Jump

(All characters are © Katsuhiro Otomo.  Oh, and, uh, in this chapter I have written my first yaoi lime/orange *blushes* please don't be too cruel about it!  Oh, and this is _not the end of the fic.  There is one chapter left.  Please r+r!)_

Kai opened his eyes, and stared at the ceiling.  A curl of sunlight was twisted across it, like a spill of honey.              

            The plaster on his jaw was itching, his teeth still hurt and the cut in his mouth was only partly healed, but they were just little specks on a thin mist of happiness oozing through his mind.  An odd happiness because he knew any minute he could fall back into the depths, but not at this moment – at this moment all was wonderful –

            _I really like you…_

"Yamagata?" he whispered.  "You awake?"

            There was a pause, then, his voice clouded with sleep, Yamagata muttered, "No."

            "Okay."

            He glanced over at Yamagata, who was half-fallen out of bed, his hands almost touching the floor, and shook his head.  Down at casualty, they'd said Yamagata just needed rest and no excitement, and that he should go home and sleep.  So they'd stumbled back to Yamagata's place, and Kai had helped him lie down, and then he'd said _So…__see you tomorrow or something? _and Yamagata, his eyes large and confused, had reached out to him and said _Come on…stay…_  And he'd asked why, and Yamagata had just shrugged and said, _You're__ nice and warm…and besides, if you walk out, something might happen.  Just stay, then I don't have to worry 'bout you.  _

So he'd stayed, despite the fact that the bed had been intended for not more than one person, and lain in the dark, next to Yamagata, in warmth and silence.  

            Deep down he was glad he hadn't had to walk home alone.  The city was too dark.  The streets could swallow him

            But he wouldn't think about that.

            Suddenly there was a loud bang on the door.  "Yamagata, wake up!  This is important!"

            Yamagata groaned, and pulled the blankets over his head.  "Kai…door…needs answering…"

            "I'm going, I'm going."

            Kai got out of bed, straightened his clothes, pulled his tie back round to the front of his neck, and sauntered over to the door.

            "Kaneda?" he said when he'd opened it.  "What is it?"

            "Uh…"  Kaneda blushed.  "I just wanted to…um…talk to Yamagata and you…uh…"

            Tetsuo, standing behind him, sniggered.

            "For your information," Kai said, trying not to smile, "I stayed here last night on account of Yamagata's concussion and all.  Only safe, really."

            "Oh.  Right.  Yeah, well, can we come in?"

            Kai looked at his watch.  "It's eight o'clock.  How can you be so keen so early?"

            "This is important," Kaneda said.  "Besides, I'm your leader, you gotta let me in."

            "You're not our leader.  We're free.  The only person here you can boss around is Tetsuo."

            Tetsuo sighed, and said, "What Kaneda is _trying _to say is that he wants to tell you he's sorry."

            "He does?"

            "Yes," Tetsuo said.  _"He does."_

"Yeah, and I want to get it over with as quick as possible –"  Kaneda yelped as Tetsuo elbowed him in the ribs.  "Uh, I mean, make you guys feel better.  So please let me in, it stinks of cabbage out here…"

            "Okay, okay.  Yamagata's still asleep, though."

            "Not for much longer," Tetsuo muttered as Kaneda shot through the door.

            "Yamagata," Kaneda said, shaking the other guy half-violently.  "Yamagata, wake up.  This is important."  He wrenched the blankets away from Yamagata, and shook him again.  "You awake yet?"

            Yamagata pulled his eyes open, and glared at Kaneda.  "Yeah, I am _now." _

"Good.  Now, listen.  You too, Kai.  I…um…well, we've all had an, um, interesting week, right?  And…sometimes some of us have said things we didn't really mean.  Now, I forgive you for all the things _you _said –"

            "Kaneda!" Tetsuo yelled.  "Get to the point!"

            "I _am.  _Give me time, okay?  Anyway, as I was saying, yeah, some of us had have said things we didn't really mean.  And I forgive you, and…uh…"

            He muttered something in the general direction of the blankets.

            "Sorry?" Kai said.  "Didn't quite hear that."

            Kaneda flipped him off, then growled something that sounded basically like, "M-_sorry-_acted-like-jerk-just-freaked-Clowns-so-all-done, bye!"

            "I think that's the best we're gonna get," Kai said.  "Thanks, Kaneda."

            "Yeah, well."  Kaneda shrugged.  "Anyway, you guys okay?  Nothing broken last night, or, um – anyway?"

            "We're fine," Yamagata said.  "Apart from not getting enough _sleep…"_

"That's cool.  There was something else I wanted to say, too."

            "You want them back in the gang," Tetsuo said.

            "That's it.  So, you in?"         

            "Yeah, why not?"  Yamagata grinned now.  "Least that way we'll know you'll turn up when we're about to be smushed – not that that happens much, of course."

            "Yeah, why were there so many Clowns in there?" Kaneda asked.  "It was like a bloody ambush or something."

            Yamagata frowned.  "I dunno…"

            "They were expecting us," Kai said.  "They were hiding.  It wasn't like we crashed their party.  And Chip – Chip was serving – they must've got the barman out the way.  They wanted revenge on you, Yamagata – for beating Chip – so –"

            "How'd they know you'd be coming to the Harukiya?" Kaneda asked.  "You didn't tell none of them, did you?"

            "They knew we hang out there, though," Kai said.  "Maybe they were gonna jump all of us."

            Yamagata was frowning still, and then suddenly he said, "Tetsuo, you knew."

            "Huh?"

            "You knew.  I told you, after I got kicked out, I said I was gonna go down the Harukiya last night.  You must've told 'em or something."  
            "No, I didn't," Tetsuo said, scowling.  "I didn't speak to _any _Clowns.  I didn't tell – I didn't tell anyone."

            "You must've done," Yamagata said.  "They wouldn't have wanted to fight all of us.  They wanted to get _me, _and they knew I'd be there alone last night.  More or less alone, anyway."

            "I didn't tell them," Tetsuo snapped, turning to face him, fists clenched.  "I didn't."

            "Look, just cool it," Kaneda said.  "Both of you.  Tetsuo probably didn't mean to do it –"

            "I _didn't_ do it!" Tetsuo yelled.  He'd gone very white, and he was biting his lip.

            "You can admit it," Kaneda said.  "No one's that pissed."

            Yamagata shrugged.  "If you say so.  Me, I ain't too happy.  He could've got Kai killed –"

            "I didn't!  I didn't tell any stupid Clowns!"

            "Don't lie, just cos you're ashamed –"

            "I'm not, cos I didn't do it!"

            "Just calm down!" Kaneda said.  "I don't want to have to say any more apologies, okay?  Or do I have to do a Jaws and slap you both one?"

            Yamagata snorted.  "Like you could touch me, Kaneda.  I'd cream you."

            "I would take you up on that, but your concussion would just make it too much of a massacre."

            Yamagata glowered at him, and Kai grinned.  

            "Fine," Tetsuo snapped, shoving his way towards the door.  "Don't believe me.  But I didn't do it, okay?"

            "Quit being such a baby and just own up!" Yamagata said.  "Then we can forget about it –"

            Tetsuo stared at him, silent and furious-faced.

            "Where are you going, anyway?" Kaneda asked.  "You don't wanna go riding round on your own, the Clowns are still alive, remember?"

            "Go _fuck _yourselves," Tetsuo whispered, marched out of the room, and slammed the door so hard that a small chunk of plaster fell out of the wall above it.

            "What's eating him?" Yamagata said, shrugging.  

            "I dunno.  He's been getting really touchy lately."  Kaneda sighed.  "Anyway, I better go after him – check out he's not run himself into a wall.  I'll see you later, okay?"

            "Sure.  Bye."

            Kaneda strolled towards the door.  As he left, he paused, and called over his shoulder, "Uh…glad you're okay.  And not dead or anything."

            "Ditto," Kai called, and as the door closed, came to sit next to Yamagata.  "So, you are awake now?"

            "Yeah.  Unfortunately."

            Kai leaned forward, and kissed him, and again his mind whispered _this is okay cos it's nothing like **that – **_

            "Okay, fortunately."  Yamagata put an arm round him, and pulled him down under the covers.

Tetsuo pushed open the door, and crashed into his room.

            "Fuck them…bastards…"

            The curtains were still drawn, with a slit of white light down them, and the room was soaked in shadow.  Tetsuo stumbled over the clothes on the floor, and stood in the middle of the room, feeling like the anger was trying to burst out of his chest.

            "Bastards," he whispered again, and felt tears burn his eyes.  "I didn't do it…I didn't…"

            He swallowed, and remembered.  _Quit being such a baby…he could've got Kai killed…don't lie…you don't wanna go riding around on your own…_

            "Bastards!" He kicked the wall, hard, and the small, rusty mirror fell off it and smashed at his feet.  

            They all thought he was such a kid…he wasn't a kid…he _wasn't…_he wasn't…

            He dropped down next to the broken glass, and his face stared up at him, shiny in the dark, fractured, tear-stained, a round baby face, with stupid sad eyes…

            "I'm not a baby!" he yelled, and hit out at the glass.  "I'm not!  I'll show you all!  I'll show you!  You all boss me around all the time, and I hate it!  You all think you're so smart, well, you're not!  I'm just as smart and tough as you…"

            Yeah, they all bossed him around, all acted so damn superior, all of them, including Kaneda and Yamagata…especially Kaneda and Yamagata…

            His hand was bleeding from a million tiny cuts off the glass.  As he stared at it, a tear dropped from his eye, onto a line of blood, and blood and tear started to ooze down to his wrist.

            They always tried to humiliate him…the only person who ever looked up to him was Kaori, and what was it with Kaori?  He should like her, but – when she was all sappy towards him he just wanted to squash her.  He'd never cry on her shoulder.  He could never tell her how he felt, how angry he was, how trapped and how it felt like they all kicked him down whenever he said anything…one of these days he'd be the one kicking _them _down.  Yeah, knocking them over, they'd look up at _him.  _They'd look up, and they'd be scared of him, and then he'd – then he'd – well, he didn't know what he would do, but it would be something they'd never forget, bastards, _bastards…_

Summer grew hotter until the days shrieked with the heat.  Windows blazed with white-hot light, tar melted and stuck to your shoes, and your eyelids grew heavy for most of the day.

            Slowly, Kai's nightmares began to fade.  They were still there, but not so strong.  The memories were weakening, maybe that was it.  He chose not to remember details now.  But he couldn't get rid of the dark, confused fear at the back of his head – the fear that still, even now, flared up when Yamagata kissed him – a tightness in his stomach and his skin crying out to be left alone, not be touched – the fear he knew he was going to do something about – admit to it, or drown it, or something.

            And then one night, he did.

            The city had started to slump into autumn.  Barely noticeable.  Just that the heat wasn't quite so powerful.  There was an emptiness in the air that you only noticed when you were sitting still.

            But on the night Kai remembered, it was still hot, and the warmth muffled the city and clung thick and dark to the buildings.  

            He and Yamagata had parked their bikes and were now hurrying up to Yamagata's room, hand in hand.  It had been a good night.  The gang had chased the Clowns from one end of their turf to the other, city lights rushing past them and the air torn into coolness over their faces.  

            But now it was just the two of them, and Kai was glad of that.  

            "It's boiling in here," Yamagata muttered as they stumbled up the stairs.  "What's wrong with having air-conditioning?"

            "You lot would vandalise it."

            "We would not!"  Yamagata glared at him.  "Not if it meant actually cooling down some."

            "I don't mind the heat."  

            "Well you're just plain weird."  Yamagata kissed him lightly on the nose, then wrenched his gloves off and rubbed his hands on his jeans.  "The rest of us don't want to be turned into roast chickens, you know."

            Kai pulled his own gloves off, and his palms cheered to be allowed to breathe.

            They'd got to the top of the stairs now.  Kai squinted at Yamagata's face in the darkness, decided he couldn't think of a smart answer, and so kissed him instead.  His hot skin rippled with pleasure as though someone had scattered cold water over it.  Who needed air-conditioning?

            Arms around each other, they stumbled back into Yamagata's room, which was even more like an oven than the landing was.  Kai felt beads of sweat start to patter over his face and arms.  It _was _hotter than normal.  But he didn't mind the heat…that, and Yamagata holding him, and the darkness…it was like the daylight world didn't exist any more.  It was like it was just them and the gasping sweat of the night.

            He slipped his jacket off, and his sweltering arms cheered.  

            "Oh, so you _are _too hot," Yamagata said, running his hands down them.  

            "Never said I wasn't.  I just like it is all."  He rested his head against Yamagata's chest for a few moments.  "You're baking."

            "At least I don't have a tie on.  Ain't your neck too warm?"

            Kai looked up at Yamagata.  Traffic shone in his eyes.

            "Yeah," he said at last.  "Yeah, it is."  

            Fumbling, he undid his tie, and pulled it off.  He was suddenly feeling strangely nervous – his stomach deliciously cold, a smile clambering onto his face.  But it wasn't a bad feeling.  

            Yamagata kissed him again, and the nervousness rose even higher – but it wasn't just nervousness – and it all felt good –

            Yamagata's fingers brushed at the buttons of Kai's shirt, then stopped, and their eyes met.

            "It's okay."  Kai found his voice was suddenly shaky, and his heart had sped up until it was making the world blur.  "It is too hot.  You're right."

            Yamagata froze a moment, then suddenly he began unbuttoning Kai's shirt, and Kai let it slide down his arms to join his jacket on the floor.  The air seemed so thin suddenly – it wasn't air, it was just warmth, stroking his damp skin, and that skin wanted to _feel, _for the first time in ages it wanted to touch and be touched – 

            "Anyway, if you're complainin' so much, why don't you get a bit cooler?" he asked.  "Or is that T-shirt really part of your skin?"

            Yamagata laughed, then pulled his T-shirts – both of them – off over his head, sending his already tangled hair into his eyes.

            "So now coolness is okay?" he said.  And he kissed Kai again, and now it was even better because they could touch properly – because you could feel breath and warmth all over you –

            They stepped back, they'd reached the bed, which groaned deeply as they sank down onto it.  The sheets were soft on Kai's back, and they smelt warm and Yamagata-ish.

            _We could just lie here like this –_

_            Or we could –_

It was like knowing there was an absolutely huge jump coming up, one where you'd see the entire world spread out below you as the ground was left behind – and you could take it – or you could turn to the side and keep your feet on the earth –

            Yamagata was kissing his throat, and his hands stroked Kai's ribs.

            Then he whispered, "Kai, if – if you wanna stop – I mean, maybe we better, it's just this is too good already –"

            He sat up, glanced away from Kai, and suddenly became very interested in getting his boots off.

            Kai swallowed.  Yeah, that was it, wasn't it?  If he didn't want to make the jump, he had to say so _now – _this was the last exit –

            Did he want to?

            He swung his feet up onto the bed, and scrabbled at his shoelaces while he thought.

            Far, far back, in time, in space, was an alley, and it was rainy and life hurt so much, and that was a bad thing –

            But right now, right here, there was Yamagata kissing him and touching him and being with him, and that was a good thing –

            The fear was still there and he knew it was –          

            But was he frightened now?

            He kicked his shoes off, and knew the answer.

            Only in a good way.  At the moment.  There was fear – there might be more fear – but there wasn't enough to stop him – not right now –

            And he trusted Yamagata.  If you did want to go take a dangerous jump, he was a good person – no, the best person – to do it with.

            _It can't be as bad as it was then; it can't…_

_            And I ain't scared of them – screw them, fucking bastards –_

            Their eyes met again as Yamagata lay back on the bed.  His face was glowing with sweat, and he had a streak of oil under one eye.  He leaned over, kissed Kai again, but he was waiting, he was cautious –

            Kai swallowed, and said, "No.  Let's not stop."

            Yamagata's hands, resting on his shoulders, tensed.

            "You serious?" he whispered.

            Kai shivered as fear rushed down his spine and his skin trembled – _don't get so close –_

_            I won't be scared –_

            "Yeah."

            "All right."

            Yamagata kissed him again.  It was an oddly wary, fumbling kiss. 

            So now it had happened – now they were heading towards the jump and there was nothing he could do –

            "Kai," Yamagata whispered, "this is s'posed to be _fun.  _You've gone all tense."

            "I…"  Kai shrugged.  "So I'm a little nervous.  So sue me…"

            Yamagata sat up a little, picked at a hole in the sheet.  

            "I'm nervous too," he whispered.  "Never done this with a guy before."

            "I've never done it with anyone before.  'Cept – that one time…"

            _And that wasn't **doing it.  That was it being done, so it doesn't count.  **_

            "Guess it's like a new first time for both of us, then.  If you still wanna go for it.  I mean, we could.  I got, y'know, everything we'd need.  But – do you want to?"

            _Now you can say no._

_            But I – I don't want to._

He was going to make this jump if it killed him –

            And adrenaline was being dragged through his veins like white-hot wires.

            "Yeah.  I do."

            Yamagata put an arm round him, and kissed him.  So gentle that even his terrified skin relaxed, because this wasn't scary, this was just being with Yamagata.

            …Kissed him.  Kissed his throat, his collarbones, the heat spread over Kai's skin and through his body, he was falling into it, into the darkness.  Kissed his chest, lips caressing old bruises.  Fumbled with his jeans, the last of his clothes slipped off onto the floor, and the heat sank over him like a blanket.  Yamagata caressed his stomach, then moved to below it –  

            Headlights rushed across the ceiling as, slowly, Yamagata kissed there too –

            And it felt so nice, and the pleasure rose, unstoppable, and –

            Kai wasn't sure if he cried out – he had to have done, surely, because his body jolted as if he'd been struck by lightning – and then he was lying there, the sheets warm under his back.

            Yamagata raised his head, grinning.

            "Better?" he said.

            "You're too smug…too smug for your own good…"

            "Yeah, so?  Yamagata the Great knows what he's doing."

            "Come on…"  Kai sat up, reached out to him, suddenly shaking.  "You're so smart –"  He took a deep breath.  He didn't know whether the aching terror was fear of how bad this could feel – or how good –

            "You make me feel better again…"

            Yamagata sat up, the street light edging through the broken blind behind him, and pulled off his jeans and boxers.  Then he lay down, and pulled Kai towards him.

            The ground was ending _right now –_

There was a crash as Yamagata reached for the bedside table, sending several magazines onto the floor – 

            There was waiting – second after second and then –

            And then together they were flying –

It hurt – and yet at the same time it was the best thing he'd ever felt – _was it?  So damn **different **_–**_I remember before – but –_ the neon lights outside blazed – **

            _I'm not scared – I think –_

            But thinking was too hard – all you could do was feel – and what you could feel was the strangest, scariest, best, worst feelings you'd ever had –

            So close – so close – his skin was going crazy – Yamagata all around it, stroking it, kissing it – 

            "Kai…are you okay?…"

            He looked round, caught a glimpse of Yamagata's face, shining, his hair tangled over his eyes.

            And the alley and what had happened in it rotted, died, because how could it be the same – because it wasn't – because that had been pain from the darkness, and this was nothing like it – this was Yamagata with him under city lights and thick heat – and the pain was only one part of millions of sensations which painted blazing colours over his mind –

            "Kai…"

            Fear and passion and confusion tangled in his brain and he closed his eyes – they'd jumped and they could see the world – and now they were falling, falling – and he was scared because this was too good, too scary, too painful, too strange – and he called out to Yamagata because – because –

            And then they'd landed.

            Kai lay still, listening to himself breathe.  He was shaking all over, but his chief feeling now was one of incredible pride.  He'd done it.  _He'd done it._

Ha.  Literally.

            "Kai!"  Yamagata tapped him gently on the shoulder.  "How – uh – you –"

            "Uh?"

            "Did I just completely destroy you, or was it actually not that bad?"  Yamagata was trembling too, his hand kept tensing on Kai's arm.  "Don't leave me in suspense…"

            "We…I…"  Kai tried to think straight.  "No, you didn't destroy me, we…"  He stopped again.

            "What?  I'm tired and I can't sleep if I don't know!"

            "That was the weirdest thing I have _ever _done."

            Yamagata stared at him a moment, then burst into helpless laughter.

            "Only you," he said.  "Kai, you're completely crazy sometimes."

            Kai wriggled closer as the laughter shook Yamagata's body.  

            "I didn't mean it that way," he said, grinning.  "It's just, it was just…we were like…I dunno."

            Yamagata rolled over, and yawned through a smile. _"That _made loads of sense.  But – you are okay, right?  Cos if you're not you can say –"

            "Oh, no.  I'm okay."

            "Good."  Yamagata put an arm round him.  

            "Uh – are you?"

            "Me?  I'm good."  He thought a moment, and then said, "You're right.  It was weird.  Cool…but weird…"

            "Glad we agree."  Kai yawned, wondering how you could keep having one-night-stands all the time.  If every time it was as strange as this, you'd be too tired to do anything.

            Too tired.  Suddenly he felt like the sleep was drowning him.  "Goodnight?"

            "Night."

            And he closed his eyes again, and sank into their private darkness.         

Yamagata yawned.  There was sunlight glowing on the other side of his eyelids.

            He blinked a few times as he rose up into daytime.

            Kai lay asleep against his chest, his hair tousled, his clothes absent.  The sun slid over his skin, and his breathing was deep and quiet against Yamagata's ribs.  

            So it hadn't been a dream.

            Last night had been…had been completely…

            Weird, yeah.  But weird because it had been so different.  He knew a lot of things two people could do in bed that made him feel _great, _and none of the last night's activities had been in the top ten.  

            And yet last night had been _special.  _It had been like fire dropped into his brain, eating it up.  Sex hadn't been special like that for ages.  

            Maybe just cos he'd never done anything like that with a guy before.  He _had _been nervous.  But that hadn't mattered.  He'd gone with his instincts.  

            And besides, it wasn't like Kai had any comparison.  Any proper comparison.  He'd been kind of surprised to find out the other guy was still a virgin, but not exactly bothered.

            In fact, kind of pleased.  For one thing, he didn't need to feel like he knew nothing cos Kai knew even less, and for another…hey, it was nice, okay?        Although if you were being picky, Kai wasn't exactly untouched.

            _You dumb stupid bastards, _he thought at those Clowns, smirking, _you can't do a thing, I made him happy last night and he ain't scared of you no more._

            _I was the first person to go with him who made him happy._

He suddenly felt incredibly smug.

            _He called my name._

            Oh, yeah.  He was _good._

            But this had been so different.

            He'd never gone down on anyone before either.  Hadn't liked it, it made him feel like he was praying to them, worshipping or summat, and he didn't damn well see why anyone would deserve that.

            But Kai had been frightened, and Yamagata didn't want him to be frightened.    

            _And anyway, he deserves to be worshipped if anyone does._

            "Sappy, huh?" he whispered to the back of Kai's head.  "You're turning me soft.  I mean, I ain't ever even said _I love you _before.  Not meaning it, I mean.  But…I think I want to say it now."

            And he did, whispering it, and then snorted at how cheesy he was being, and shut his eyes again, and, dozing, let himself float.  

Kai fell heavily asleep, and remembered nothing more until suddenly he was lying half-awake in the daylight.  The ceiling was blazing with sun.

            Yamagata lay curled up next to him, the sun turning his skin the colour of pale honey.  

            _So we did do it._

Kai suddenly felt a huge grin spread over his face.  Night had focused the memory, and now what he remembered most were the good bits

.           Yamagata shifted position, blinked, and focused blearily on Kai's face.  Then he smiled.

            "Cool," he said.  "Not a dream."

            "That's just what I thought."

            Yamagata hugged him.  "That's cool."  He yawned, hugely, like a lion, and continued dreamily, "And it's cool we did it.  And it's cool you're happy…"

            "Course I'm happy."  Kai lay against him, listening to them breathe.  The sun bathed his bare shoulders in warmth, Yamagata was absently stroking his back, and his mind drowsed in comfortable sleepiness.  He could stay like this all day.

            Suddenly there was a bang on the door.

            "Ah, bugger off…" Yamagata murmured, rolling over and burying his face in the pillow.

            The knocking continued, getting louder, and then Kaneda's voice hollered, "Yamagata, where the hell are you?  It's one p.m.!  Are you sick?  Are you dead?  Are you on strike?"

            "Is he even _in _there?" Tetsuo said.

            "Shut up – Yamagata, get your fat ass outta bed and open the damn door!"

            "Well?" Kai said. 

            Yamagata shrugged.  "'M asleep.  Go on…door…"

            "I'm going, I'm going…"

            Kai stumbled out onto the floor, dodging magazines, clothes, and bits of old bike.  Clothes…clothes, needed clothes…he found his boxers by the side of the bed, fumbled into them…now what, shirt, or something…

            He picked up a random item of clothing from the floor, saw it was a shirt, pulled it over his head, and staggered over to the door, and wrenched it open.

            "Right," Kaneda began.  "Yamagata – huh?"

            Kaneda and Tetsuo stared at Kai, at his bed-head hair, his bare legs and feet, and at the rising sun symbol on the too-large T-shirt that was even now slipping down over one shoulder.

            Tetsuo smirked.  Kaneda blushed.

            "Just what the hell were you doing last night?" Kaneda demanded.

            Kai straightened the T-shirt, pulled the collar up over his shoulder again, shuffled his feet, and said, "Uh…studying?"

            Tetsuo snorted.  The hall was suddenly swept with shadow as the sun went in.

            Thinking it over, Kai was pretty sure that was the last point before time went crazy.

(Not the end!  Not the end!)


	12. So You Survived

Chapter Twelve – So, You Survived

(_This _is the last chapter.  All characters are © Katsuhiro Otomo except Chip and Suki, who are mine (more or less, in Chip's case).  I'm not totally happy with this chapter but I don't think there's much more I can do with it – hope you enjoy anyway!  Oh, and I've included some quotes from my copy of the Akira movie – they are © the Akira Committee.  And please don't tell me I've misquoted – I know mine are right, but everyone else seems to have a different dub *sulks*)

Thinking it over, Kai was pretty sure that was the last point before time went crazy.

            No, not time.  Memory.  It all blurred together, and whenever he tried to think back on it – to make sense of what had happened – nothing.  Just a million bits and pieces and how could you put those together?  How?  You couldn't put them into any order – you couldn't work out how you'd got from life to – to this –

_            (Sunlight and schoolyards, lit-up night skies, the smells of perfume and petrol)_

_            Here we go again…They're just tailchasers out of water.  You mean fish.  Why didn't you just wipe them all out?  Those guys are so gross…Damn it, and my motor crawls were just gettin' warmed up!  _

The streets were so empty.  Roads and pavements he'd known all his life cracked across, and water oozing over them, damp soaking through his shoes.  Traffic lights and road signs twisted and doubled over, looking lost now that they no longer had any reason to exist.

            _(Streetlight bathing concrete, the click of a safety catch, blood speckling the ground, pain as they wrenched his arms back)_

_            This school is your last chance!  She's cleared the hump.  Hands on your head!  I want more than death, I'll split his frigging head open!  Kiss the ground!  He's really hurt bad…_

And the people.  Sometimes you could walk all morning and see nobody.  Your footsteps rang out over the rubble, and you felt like you'd come to the wrong world because you were still alive.  Other times, you saw people, but they weren't in any state to be seen.  Blood.  Ribs sharp behind paper-thin skin.  Torn, screaming eyes.

            _(Running footsteps, hysterical crowds, blazing light and the hum of a laser)_

            _At least give me time to get the gang together!  Your bike's still on fire…Kaneda!  I thought you were in that thing…_

_            (And then a huge clump of memories that burned him and made his throat close up with misery)_

_            …asked him – if he was really Tetsuo – or someone else.  And – and then he – _

_            I'm gonna send –_

_            Dead?_

Couldn't even say his name.

_            Dammit, I guess the team is finished…_

Kai swallowed.  No, he wouldn't remember.  He wouldn't.  It was pointless to remember, memory did nothing except hurt, and fade you out of real life…you could spend the rest of your life in memory, and he wouldn't…

            _(Echoing footsteps, graffiti, beer-soaked air)_

            _And the checkpoints are so strict these days –_

He curled up on the mattress, trying to keep his thoughts in the present.  Don't think.  Focus on something else, something real – the cold air pinching the soles of his feet – the cracks lying silent in the far corner – the giggling and whispering on the other side of the wall as Kaneda and Kei managed to live a normal life and be happy…how?  How could they be?

            _(Darkness – too dark – broken glass under his feet)_

            _What the hell happened?_

It was no good.  The memory dripped into his brain like acid, and as it dripped it widened, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

            _He's dead!  _

_            (The barman's cold face, not a face any more, a mask, a mask with nothing behind it – he stared at it and suddenly he was screaming)_

_            (And then that laughter, laughter like the small patter of stones before the earthquake)_

_            Look who's here.  Wanna pop one?_

_            (How had he known that Tetsuo had destroyed it all?  He wasn't sure – but you could see the guy was crazy, his skin was pale as paper, and shiny in the darkness, and that smile – )_

_            Kaneda sends his warmest regards._

_            You saw Kaneda?  Where is he?_

_            He's probably dead, by now._

_            (Oh shit oh shit this can't be happening – he can't have killed him – he can't – oh wake up look what he's already done)_

_            (Cold horror sharp in his stomach like he'd eaten broken glass)_

And now his mind slowed, as if it didn't want him to miss a single detail.

            Yamagata, shaking with rage, climbing up to reach Tetsuo, his shadow falling over the broken furniture and cracked floor.

            Tetsuo kicking out, the soles of his bare feet sharp white – and Yamagata's shoulders tensing as he started to slip – and then falling –

            _Yamagata__!_

Kai had dashed over to him, to help him up and then they could get out of there.  And then –

            Another crunch as Tetsuo stepped onto the fallen bar above him, and the thought of that crunch still sent icy pain through under his ribs –

            He wished he hadn't looked up.  Then he wouldn't have seen that smile on Tetsuo's face.

            _He enjoyed it._

Tetsuo's eyes were glinting, and then – then Kai felt the air tense around him like it was being pulled taut – and Yamagata groaned – and – and – 

            Behind Kai's eyes he died a million times, and now the moments were so slow – now each one clicked past like a cel-shading – and he couldn't stop them – he couldn't – all he could do was what he'd done when it had happened – 

            _"__Yamagata__!"_

The sound burnt his throat.  He screamed it out over the city, over the sunken skyscrapers and shattered windows and cold, moonlit water, and up to the dark, empty sky.

            No one came to claim it.

            He'd cried himself out long ago.  Inside he was nothing, as shattered and empty as Neo-Tokyo.  

            He remembered, standing staring down at Yamagata and thinking _this can't be happening – a minute ago he was okay – it can't have all changed now – it can't –_

And Yamagata's eyes, staring frozen up at the ceiling, refusing to look at him.  He'd known he should run, get out of there before he ended up like this as well – but if he ran, he'd be admitting there was something to run from – and if he admitted it, he'd have to admit Yamagata was – was –

            Tetsuo had stepped down onto the floor, leaving footprints in the dust, and walked towards the door of the Harukiya.  He hadn't even looked back.  Doing that hadn't even _bothered him._

            And Kai had turned and charged towards him, rage and misery lashing down inside him like burning rain, and – Tetsuo had just put out a hand, and sent him flying, slamming him back into the darkness against the wall.

            And then he'd gone.

            Kai ran over to Yamagata, hoping, hoping that maybe while they hadn't been focusing on him he would have gotten up, been all right again, groaning _Man that was a lucky escape –_

No.  

            He still lay there.  Still staring out at the door of the bar, like he was mad with Kai and wouldn't look at him.  

            "Yamagata…please…"

            No answer.  _He must be really mad with me this time, worse than just kissing him or sabotaging his bike – "Please…please don't do this…"_

            He dropped down beside him, clutched his shoulders.

            Slowly, blood began to ooze over the dusty floor.

And now he was always lonely.  And the loneliness crouched on his shoulders and covered his eyes so that he couldn't stop feeling it even when there were other people around. 

            That first night – when it hadn't sunk in – when he'd been able to ride off into the ruins without tearing up – when he'd known something was wrong, but hadn't been able to let himself think of what it was – _Yamagata'll__ come along soon, he just got held up someplace –          _

That first night, he'd woken about two a.m., and realised what it was that was wrong; because for the first time in months he had been lying alone.  He was cold, and his skin ached for touch.  

            And then it had hit him – _you'll never get him back, he's gone, he's gone forever –_

It couldn't be true.  

            He hadn't cried then, it had been too big for tears.  Humans couldn't do anything that would fit this pain.  He'd floated on a sea of it, sometimes sinking down into the depths until everything was dark and his head pounded with the pressure, sometimes rising up to the surface where it was lighter, where he noticed things, where he lived again.  Life had become a series of memories broken up by the aching, howling darkness.

            Creeping through a deserted, half-crushed apartment block, following Kaneda, their footsteps splashing over the dark water oozing across the concrete floor.  The air was thick with the stench of mould, and he was breathing shallowly, trying to avoid tasting it.  A door on his left had swung open, and he saw a glimpse of peeled, faded wallpaper, and a smashed picture, and shadows covering everything.

            Riding, riding down an empty road, the cold air slapping his face, looking out at the rubble, at the bare skyline, trying to take in how far the destruction had spread, and failing.  For miles and miles there was nothing but spiky wreckage, misty in the distance, and above it a huge white sky.

            Kei pulled open the door to their latest shelter, sending a swirl of dust into their faces.  It clung to his skin and clothes.  Everywhere was dusty these days and he could never get properly clean, his hands were so dry they itched whenever he touched anything, and there was a permanent taste of rot at the back of his throat.

            Waking one night and staring up at a cracked lampshade, at the bulb crouched inside like a dead mouse.  The darkness crawled over his face, pinning him down, and in the walls he heard the shrieks of real mice and rats, skittering and fighting behind the cracks.

            Wondering why no bed, whether it was sagging sofa or torn mattress, ever felt warm any more.        

But now things had stabilised.  The days moved properly and didn't vanish.  They didn't ring with pain any more.  They just ached as they dragged themselves from dawn to dusk, and he wished they'd stop because it was getting so tiring to keep walking with them.  

            It was getting so difficult to do anything.  Even eating was starting to become too much of an effort.

            Especially when, as now, what you were trying to eat was a mixture of stale cereal and overripe, sour grapes.  Meals had become a lot more interesting lately – they would be when you were raiding people's cupboards for anything that wasn't covered in dust/half-eaten by rats/going to give you food poisoning.  

            But then, Kaneda didn't seem to be having any problems.  He was practically inhaling the food, sending specks of it flying all over the table.  Kei wasn't eating so fast, and she didn't look like she really _liked _it, but she was eating.

            Kai couldn't bring himself to even take one bite.

            "Aw, come on," Kaneda said through his latest mouthful.  "Ain't _that bad, is it, Kai?"_

            "I'm not hungry."

            "You better eat," Kei said, frowning.  "It's not like we know where the next one's coming from."

            He knew all that.  But his throat had sealed up.  

            "Stop being so depressed all the time," Kaneda snapped at last, pushing his empty bowl away from him.  "I mean, okay so the last few months weren't too great, but you know, you gotta move on."

            "Who says I'm depressed?"

            "Well, I sorta figured that's why you look like you're gonna burst into tears."

            "I am not.  I just…I'm just not hungry, okay, can't you get that through your thick skull?"

            "We all lost people," Kei said gently.  "Come on, guys, let's not fight about it."

            Kai shrugged, and tried to tell himself she was right.  They had all lost people, and if Kaneda and Kei could be sensible about it, so could he.

            _But it's all right for them…they have each other…_

Anyway, they'd got upset too.  Kaneda had gone awful quiet for some time after Tetsuo had…vanished.  Even now he didn't like talking about him, and sometimes he went silent, and there was a sadness in his face that had never been there before; a real expression, not a stock one he'd wear for the crowds.

.           And Kei had disappeared for ages after they'd found Ryu's body, and when she'd come back, she'd not said a word – just hugged Kaneda, and buried her face in his jacket, and they'd walked off to be alone together.

            Alone together.

            That was what they were.  Whereas he was just alone alone.

            "Fine," he snapped.  "I won't fight.  I'm going out."

            "Kai –"

            "I said, I'm going out.  Here, Kaneda, you can have my lunch."

            As he walked out, down the crooked staircase, he heard Kaneda's slurping start up again, and sighed.

Why had he come out into the city?  He hated the emptiness.  And he hated the greyness.  The sky was the colour of dirty glass, and the air seemed to suck the colour out of everything.  The only specks of it were the cracked, dirty shop signs and billboards.

            _Why the hell did you have to go and die?_

_            Why did you make me love you that much if it was all gonna end up like this?_

_            Why did we do it?  Why did I bother to make up, to kiss you those times, what was the fucking point?_

_            Why didn't he kill me?  Why couldn't I have died?  Why do I have to be the survivor?_

_            Why did you go away?_

The questions had been asked so many times they'd become part of him.  First he'd screamed them, then spoken them, now they were just dull, miserable whispers.  And of course there was no answer to any of them.

            Voices?  

            Already they sounded like something weird in this city.

            He looked up, and saw two girls, one perched on the step of a nearby building, the other leaning out of the doorway.  The one on the step had lank, patchy hair, that had once been dyed red-brown, but now had a wave of darkness breaking out from the roots, like an oil slick.  She was in a torn, tattered red dress which didn't cover her knees, and they were drawn up to her chest, and they were bony and grey with cold.

            She turned her head as he drew closer, and he saw a snarling scar ripped down from her eye to below her chin, on the right side of her face.  And she sat as the other girl chattered, and the voices seemed tiny in the huge silence that had swallowed the city.

            "Well, geez, Suki, if you don't _want _to eat these days…"

            "Who cares?"

            _Suki?_

Kai skidded to a halt before he could decide to, and then wondered why.  What could he say to her?  She probably didn't even remember him.  And he'd never exactly liked her.  It probably wasn't even her anyway.  And –

            "I'll see ya, then.  Okay?"

            "If you must."

            Heels clicked away into the darkened doorway.  Kai stood still, wondering which girl was left outside.

            "Kai?  Is that you?"

            He turned.

            "Suki?"

            "Uh-huh."

            Yeah, he could see it now.  Like the city, she'd lost her colour and smart-assed sparkle.

            She grinned ruefully.  "So, you survived."

            "And you.  How come?"

            "I was crying my eyes out in the dorm basement when it happened.  Nearly got buried.  Didn't know nothing about any of it – didn't know Tetsuo was involved.  Nothing."

            "I didn't know enough."

            _If I'd known enough, I'd have got me and Yamagata out of the Harukiya soon as we saw the wreckage…_

Suki chewed a fingernail still speckled with red polish.  "So, um, how's Yamagata?  Are – are you still together?"

            "Oh, yeah.  Mad passionate sex every night.  It's great."

            She sighed, and stared down at her lap.  

            Kai came to sit next to her on the step before he said, "He's dead."

            "What?"

            "He's dead.  Tetsuo killed him."

            The words still didn't mean anything.  Didn't mean enough, anyway.

            "He's dead…" she whispered.

            "Why does it bother you?  Don't tell me you still hold a torch for him."

            "I just…"  She rested her head on her knees, stared out at the wreckage.  "I just thought…maybe one day…hell, I don't expect _you _to understand.  But I just always hoped.  And now I can stop.  Yay."

            He expected her to cry, but she just stared.  The only tear was the long scar.

            "What happened with that?" he asked, pointing.  "You got it when all this happened?"

            "That – oh, no, that happened ages ago.  Back when I first found out about you and Yama."

            "What d'you mean?"

            "I was so pissed I ran off into that derelict area near school…and I met this Clown guy.  He knew about you two, weird, huh?  And he listened to me and let me cry on his shoulder."

            "And then?"

            "Then we went into the Star Bowl and he raped me and slit my face."

            "Shit…"

            "Yeah."  She nodded.  "Didn't think he had it in him.  He was a pretty runty little guy.  Said his name was Chip."

            Kai suddenly wanted to laugh.  Bitterly.

            "Chip?  Oh, yeah, I know him."

            "You do?  How?"

            "Same kind of thing."

            A weird thought, to think it was the same guy – a link between him and Suki, made not by blood, by something stronger.

            The last time he'd seen Chip he'd been watching Tetsuo smash the guy's face in, while Kaori huddled at the back, wrapped in his jacket.  And the street had been baking hot and the sun had oozed over his bare arms and he and Yamagata had just watched –

            Back when time, and life, had still been normal.  And yet the storm had been there, watching with them, lapping at the edges of the world.    

            "Is he still alive?"

            "How the hell should I know?  He ain't part of my address book.  Probably."

            "Pity."

            She glanced at him, and smiled slightly.  

            "You're not so bad," she said.  "Sorry I ratted you out about that sabotage thing."

            Kai was pretty sure she didn't really mean that, but he accepted it, and put forward a lie of his own.  "Sorry I tried to slap you that time."  
            "I'll see you, okay?"  She got to her feet, dusted the grey dust off her dress.  "It's getting cold out here.  Oh, and Kai…"

            "Mm?"

            "I – I'm sorry about Yamagata."

            Then she was gone.

It was getting darker now.  Even the sunsets had lost their colour – the sky simply blazed whiter for a bit, and then went out like a dead light bulb.

            When it got darker, the citizens came out into makeshift bars where the drink was in barrels and you swapped batteries or watches for it.

            Kai had considered drinking himself into nothing once or twice, but most of the time he couldn't summon up the energy to do even that.  So he didn't come down here much.  Not that it seemed any different from the rest of the city.  There were people, but they were insensible, slumped, dead-eyed.  No different from the real dead.

            So Suki was still out there.  But why did that matter?  She was as changed as everything else was.  When Yamagata had died the world had plunged into grey, and Suki had been plunged with it.

            Sometimes he was frightened by grey everything was.  How grey he felt inside.  

            How easy it would be to move from life to death now.  People did it every day here.  You could join them.  Death would be just as grey.  

            He wouldn't think about it.  But it was hard not to.

            Chip.  Was Chip still out here as well?

            Did it matter?  

            It did matter.  He wanted to know.  The past – that is, everything before memory and time went crazy – had had characters in it, and now he needed to total up who was still here.

            _Let's think.  If I was a sadistic half-insane runty ex-Clown, where would I be?_

The bars seemed to be a good place to start.

He found Chip in the third one he tried.  The barman – i.e the guy who controlled the neat vodka barrel at the back of the half-collapsed room – hooked a thumb at a figure skulking in a corner.

            Kai walked over to it, his heart suddenly waking up and tingling in his chest.

            "Chip?"

            "Uh-huh?"

            "You used to be a Clown, right?  A biker?"

            There was a long silence, then, "Yeah.  How'd you know?"

            "Take a look and see if you can figure it out."

            The figure turned, sending a stench of alcohol across the room with it.  Its bloodshot eyes roamed over Kai, and then it nodded, slowly.  

            "It's you," Chip said.  "The Capsule fag.  What the hell d'you want?"

            "Came to see if you survived."

            "Well, I did."

            "How?"

            "Does it matter?  I just did is all.  And how'd you make it?  Saw it was your psycho pal who caused the whole thing.  _Hail Lord Akira.  Always knew he'd snap in the end.  How come he didn't pulp you like he did half the city?"_

            "I got lucky."  Kai hunched his shoulders, and kept watching.  Chip's face was swirled with burst veins and shadows.

            "Damn it.  And the others?  They all six feet under?"

            "Most of 'em.  Where're your lot?"

            "I don't know and I don't care."  Chip took another gulp of drink.  "So go on.  Where is he?"

            "Who?"

            "Your fuck-buddy.  _Yama-chan.  See, I learnt his name at last."_

            "Dead."

            "Good."

            Kai knew he should be angry, but he hadn't really expected anything else.  This meeting was bound to be unpleasant.

            But at least Chip didn't look any better than anyone else did.  The hand on the glass was shaking, and there was something clawing and desperate in his face, something nasty that Kai didn't want to get too close to.

            "You don't look too great yourself," he said.

            "I do okay."

            "You look like you ain't slept in weeks."

            "It don't matter!"  
            "And I bet your liver wants to kill you."

            "What else is there to do in this fucking place?  The Great fucking Tokyo Empire.  I do fine.  Better'n'you."

            "If you say so."

            "Don't get smart with me.  I know what you're like, I was there, I did it, remember?  I saw you crying your eyes out –"

            "I didn't –"

            Chip smirked.  "You wanted to."

            "Well, so what?"  Far back in his mind, he remembered all those tears.  "Any normal person would.  And it made you happy, didn't it?"

            Chip didn't answer, staring down into the murky, glowing depths of his glass.

            "Bet you miss having your gang around," Kai said.  "You couldn't do it now, even I ain't weak enough to let you.  Without big friends to pin 'em down so you can be twisted on them, you're nothing."

            "I don't need anyone."

            "You got something seriously wrong in your head, you know that?"

            Chip mimicked him.  His eyes were slitted, rat-like.  "You talk too much.  Got lonely since your _boyfriend bought it?"_

            "I still got friends," he said, and realised it was true.  "You got nothing, that's why you're killing yourself in a place like this."

            "Shut up!"  Chip leapt to his feet.  "You say one more _word and I'll smash your face in –"_

            Kai shrugged, and turned and began to walk away, listening for the footsteps that he knew would approach behind him.  

            There they were –

            He turned, and slammed a fist into Chip's nose.  There was a crunch.  Chip stumbled back, blood starting to bubble over his face, slipped and fell onto the dark, sticky floor, and stared up at Kai, and gasped, whimpering through the redness oozing over his lips.

            Their eyes met.

            Then Chip's slid away, and he focused on the ground.

            _Now you know how it feels._

            "Have a nice life," Kai whispered to him.

            "You – you –"

            Mean pleasure suddenly exploded inside him, exploded like a severed artery spewing dark red all over his mind.  Chip was more crushed than he himself had ever been and it felt _good.  _

_            I don't need someone else to fight for me.  I can fight on my own.  _

_            And I've survived better than **him.** _

_            And whatever he did to me, I coped with it, I got past it, I still had that time with __Yamagata__, and he can't take that away – nor can Tetsuo – nobody can –_

            Kai turned and walked out of the bar.  

Now it was dark.  The ruins crouched around him like gigantic coal heaps.

            Still no one around, and the air rang with silence again.

            This wasn't Neo-Tokyo any more.  This wasn't the city he'd lived in all his life.  The sky was black and towered over him.  No more lights to hold it back.  No more dancing adverts.  No more shining windows and glowing streetlamps.  No longer the rich smells of takeaways and petrol.  No more music pounding up through his feet.  

            No more life.

            But despite the fact this city was different, he could still find places in it.

            Familiar places.

            The Harukiya had been driven into the ground, buried under tons of rock and rubble.  Kai didn't mind.  If he walked in there, the memories would kill him.  But he knew where it had stood.  He could stand by the shattered sign at his feet, and he could think.

            "Yamagata?" he whispered.  "You out here anywhere?"

            Why would he be?  Kai didn't really know what he believed any more – about death and stuff – but after seeing what had happened to a bunch of innocent Neo-Tokyo citizens it was a little difficult to imagine any sort of Heaven.

            "Well, I don't know if you are," he continued.  "But…if you are I suppose you'd know about Suki.  And Chip.  I seen them, today.  Weird, huh?  How they ended up, I mean."

            It just felt like he was talking to himself.  But he kept speaking all the same.

            "Anyway, uh…I guess you know I miss you, as well.  And don't act like you're surprised, you shouldn't be.  I'm trying to think of something good about, well, everything, but there ain't much.  What else can I say?  You're gone and I wish you weren't…"

            He felt the tears tremble behind his eyes, and so he didn't say the next line, just thought it.

            _You know I love you, right?_

"I was mad with you," he said at last.  "I was mad you made me feel like that if, if it was just gonna end up like this.  But now – I mean – we were together for a bit, I guess.  Shit, I'm no good with words.  I mean – I'm not mad with you any more.  It wasn't your fault."

            He closed his eyes, and remembered.

            _I was looking at the sun…_

_            You could have concussion… _

_            I haven't polluted your bike and…and I'm gonna walk home now…_

            _I'm scared of nothing!… _

_            I was never playing around…_

And it hurt, but it was different suddenly, it was good-hurting, like finally being able to let out anger, like stretching till your muscles ached.

_            We still got at least seven days… _

_            I'm sorry I sabotaged your bike…_

            _You look too interesting…_

_            I really like you…_

"I could die," he whispered.  "I could die, it's easy enough, and then I could come find you – I said, didn't I?  If you died I'd have to come too – I could – Yamagata –"

            And he'd thought he'd used up all his tears, but no – he was sobbing his eyes out again, but it was okay, there was a grim pleasure in the pain as it cracked like ice inside him – 

            _I could do it – I could go get my bike, and I could ride really fast, and there'd be a wall, and I'd hit – just like with your bike, huh, __Yamagata__?  I could do that – and then it would finish – then it would all be over and I'd never have to hurt again –_

_            So it's not for him I'd do it…_

Kai swallowed, and stopped crying, because his thoughts wanted him to listen.

            _You know what he'd say if you did do it – he'd be furious –_

_            And Chip'd kill himself laughing, he'd think you did it because of him –_  

            The tears faded from his eyes, and it was just him, the dark, and the silence.  For a long time he stood, and thought of nothing.

            Then –

            "Kai!"

            He looked round.  Kaneda and Kei were hurrying towards him, their feet crunching over the rubble.

            "Are you okay?" Kaneda called.  "You disappeared all afternoon."

            "We were really worried," Kei said.  "Thought you might've got in trouble somewhere."

            "No."  Kai scrubbed a hand over his eyes.  "I'm fine."

            "Then come on back," Kaneda said, grabbing him by the arm.  "We found a whole bunch of chocolate bars and we're gonna have a feast."

            "I thought we were gonna save some," Kei said, grinning.

            "Save, eat, what's the difference?"

            Kai let himself be led away from the Harukiya.  He didn't mind.  He felt shaken up, drained, like something momentous and crazy had just happened.  And after something like that, you needed to hang out and be mindless and unimportant.  With other people.  

            With friends.  

            He still had life.  Maybe it was grey, and dusty, and lonely, but it was life, and he'd got it.  Chip and Suki.  _So you survived.  _They were still breathing, but something else had happened to them, they were sinking, Chip at least was dying inside already.  

            Was he sinking?

            _I don't damn well give up like that –_

The city ached with suffering and loss.  

            Some people, they'd spouted a load of stuff about rebuilding.  And renewal.  And new starts.  Like the cataclysm had been a _good thing.  That had really made him mad when he heard it.  Renewal was all very well when you weren't the one being renewed.  But maybe there was some truth in it now.  Maybe…when you couldn't do anything else…maybe you had to just climb out of the ashes and look for something new._

            But rebuilding and new starts didn't mean you had to forget what had been there before.

            _You know I love you, right?_

THE END

(Wow…I finished my first proper Akira fic…thanks to everyone who r+red!)


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